From what you've written you do sound very clear about your life situation.
This is really good...you are not in denial.

Question: What Do You Want? How Do You Get What You Want?

You wrote a bit ago about starting new medications, remember they take time to become effective...at least 4-6 weeks...how long have you been out of work?

I guess you need to make a decision what is '''best for you right now'''...both your physical and mental health. I say this because if you are not ok, then you won't be able to do anything in regard to your work or your kids.

"But he's giving me an ultimatum. Go back to work or get the fuck out."
Is he unable to work? Is he physically abusive? Have the police ever been called?

I'd call an attorney, or woman's shelter. There is also 211 infoline for your state, it has social service directory you could call for information.

You can take back control by making a plan. Keeping calm and not allowing him to 'grab you' with his gaslighting, emotional negativity and fear tactics.

Nikki, I'm so sorry you are stuck in such a situation. Were you recently diagnosed with bipolar? I was diagnosed with bipolar when my children were little. I was a single mother to three children from three different fathers. The two oldest children went to their father's when I was hospitalized but my youngest went to foster care a couple of times but I always got them back. I don't know where you live and laws are different everywhere but I would suggest you speak to a lawyer about being diagnosed bipolar and whether legally your husband has the right to keep your kids from you. It would have to be proved that you were incapable because of a mental illness however it sounds like you are on medication and once you are stable you have every legal right to have custody or at least shared custody of the kids. You having the job and your husband having none would be in your favor. Finances are a big factor in child custody cases. I was in an abusive relationship with my youngest son's father and got out before it got really bad.

A word of advice. If you do decide to leave make sure you take your children with you. Organize it however you can that they come with you otherwise he will have a case against you for abandonment. My ex abusive guy did that to his first wife. He came home to find her packed and taking suitcases to a taxi while the kids waited inside for her to come get them. They were little, the youngest was only 6 months old. He closed the door and locked it and stood in front of it and told her if she wanted to leave she had to leave her kids behind. After 5 years of living with the man she was a mess and thought that she could just bring her parents along with her to come pick them up. He refused to give them to her when she tried that and he legally forced her to have a psychological assessment done where they didn't factor in the emotional and mental and probably physical abuse she had been suffering. Because he was so charming he passed the same test with flying colors. She was only allowed supervised visits at his convenience.

Get some advice from people who really know the ins and outs of custody and your safety. I don't know who that would be in your case. Social worker at a shelter, a woman's abuse helpline, a lawyer... I would reach out to as many resources as possible to make sure you know your options before you make any decisions. But it seems from reading what you wrote you are desperate to change your situation. I just wanted to let you know some of the things you need to consider. I hope this helps.

It is painful. Because everything I hoped for out of this marriage is so broken and chaotic. I'm the first to admit that I am not a saint and I know I can be difficult. Mood-swings can be difficult. I just hoped after this long that maybe we could work things out. He is good with the kids and leaving isn't going to be easy. He knows everyone in town. I'm not from here nor do I have family or very many connections here like he does. I also have a bad reputation in the past. If we go to court, my name will be dragged through the mud. I'm in Ontario Canada. If you leave you kids behind its child abandonment. If I take them with me financially I would have to be in a shelter., In which case, hands down, they would be coming back here anyways because it's stable. I have no family only his for support. If I leave I'm on my own and it scares the shit out of me. The price of rent is what I make in a month without utilities, bills and food and subsidized housing is waitlisted for ten years plus. I've been in shelters before. That's no way of life for my kids. They're happy here with his parents. They have friends here in school. I'm the only odd one out in this equation. Is it wrong of me to leave without my kids and try to get up on my feet first and arrange custody for the kids at a later date when I have established a place to live? I'm scared to say anything. They want you to act now, I want to know what I have to do first and am not prepared to leave. I've taken overall since October of last year, roughly about six weeks off. I know this is wrecking my life. It affects my youngest son as well. He is already having difficulty sleeping and he's almost always very angry. And I'm surrounded by his family, friends and acquaintances. I moved around all the time as a kid. I don't want that for my kids. Stability means so much to me in raising them. To drag them to a shelter would be devestating for them and me. I've weighed the pros and cons. My employer knows about him and is well aware about the situation. I hate getting people involved. My husband is legitimately an asshole to everyone for the most part, but me, so long as I keep my mouth shut and paint a smile on my face, we generally get along and even have some fantastic days. But my youngest is struggling and I know this is why, which is why it is so important that this transition is done with the least amount of drama possible. If I say anymore to anyone, they will take control of everything to the point where they may even give me an ultimatum, and FACS WILL be involved. In contrast, a few bruises and being roughed up a bit from time to time, is worth more than what the outcome may be, as long as my kids are happy. I'm scared shitless to get anyone else involved. The more people I talk to about this, the less control I will have in deciding what and how to do things. If I speak to a counsellor, they could take it upon themselves to contact police and child services. I do not trust anyone. I vent here on this site and that is all. If he wasn't such an asshole, life could be great and this wouldn't even be a thing. If he wasn't such an asshole....

Thank you guys! I'll check in with a counsellor tomorrow

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/publications/spousal-partner-abuse-stopped.html?msclkid=a213003bafe011ec87240fcea88ec0c8

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence.html?msclkid=6cc23e80afe111ecb22f5ae4486ce6bc

Nikki I am in Ontario as well and I know housing here is crazy..... Talk with someone as the Woman's Abuse hotline.... They aren't there to judge or hurt you... Most of them have been in your situation or has a family member who has... It will be anonymous... Get some advise .. from them

Your doctor can refer you to a social worker

A social worker is there to help as well not judge... Again they aren't there to hurt you but help..... Gentle hug... There are solutions and hope for you so please don't lost sight of that.... xo

Here's a link for Toronto..... They know about one another so they can refer you to wherever you need to be referred to and they're very private and secretive re location.... It would be a start for a conversation for you.... xo