The negative self talk is the disease turning against you personally. Sometimes I try to be an objective observer of my anxiety and self talk and ask myself, "if your best friend were saying these things about herself, what would you tell her?"

Sometimes I write a letter to myself at age 8 or 9 as if I'm my favorite Aunt who was gentle and loving to me. If I felt badly, she would stroke my hair and just listen and validate me. Fight your left brain with your right. Draw a picture of yourself as a little girl being treated with kindness, and smiling peacefully. Your left brain is stuck in a negative logic loop. Right brain stimulation can break the spiral. Also, plan your day out in half-hour intervals. That way you stay on track. Even if you have to build in a half hour for panic and negativity. It's okay. Just stick to the limit.

Those are some of the emergency things that I do, especially during PMS. I get as bad as you do.

I know it hurts, my friend. I don't know why it has to. Please take comfort that you are not alone.

Yes. That is great advice it influenced my night thank you. I like the way you think.

I'm a christian who suffers from bipolar. When I finally figured out that I didn't have to be perfect and that I made just as many mistakes as everyone else, yet god still loves me deeply, then I got my disease under control. If I'm bad it's because I'm human. But I strive to do my best. Now I can forgive myself and enjoy life. A great burden has been lifted off me. I hope this frees you.
alice

Thanks, I am truly very hard on myself. I so often think... "but I can be better... I can do so much better than this.... not enough...." and this might be after I just gave an honest effort at something. Maybe not, maybe when I'm not trying hard enough. I just feel like I could be doing so much more to make myself healthy and happy and I'm not conquering it. I also feel shame about my body because it's not perfect. I gained maybe 50 pounds at one point or another and I've lost the weight but my body doesn't look as good as it used to. I hate this about myself, truly hate it. And I have scars on my forearm for the whole world to see from burning myself with a cigarette over and over again. Shame. I don't feel happy and free. I think a good portion of my life was spent happily and freely, but I feel distant from that now. I am self conscious and insecure and confused. I believe in God I pray to Jesus... but obviously not enough because Jesus saves. I don't feel saved. Amidst all of this... I guess I feel okay... after all I've been through I guess I can't ask for everything to be going right at the moment. I still need time. But I guess all of this just proves how human I am because I'm not perfect.

i read your post you just got people together to talk about promblems that helps everyone so you can think of it that way there is a lot of good your doing the shame you remind your self of all the time is a time of growth i think you may process the same thoughts over and over again to often if you just think about the moment a little more then you will feel more free

Hi Grenadine,

I know what you mean because essentially I also feel like I am "bad" in some central core part of my being. I've recently discovered that these feelings of badness stem from all the perceived failures I've made while in both either a manic or depressed state. I either build myself up for a great delusional life, while manic, that comes crashing apart when I am depressed or normal or I am so unable to function correctly while depressed that I label myself a dysfunctional loser. Either way, it's very discouraging and also leads me to thoughts of possibly killing myself because I've failed so many things.

I am sure you are probably a great person, with a lot to offer the world and you shouldn't worry so much about your joy and faith being gone at the moment. You are obviously in a state of depression and should contact your doctor or psychiatrist immediately to alleviate the depression and start having a more realistic opinion of yourself.

Remember that we all suffer from a horrible disease, that makes us struggle a lot at times. But, we are not choosing this and underneath it all, we are still good people doing the very best we can.

You will get out of this depression, just like you did in the past, so don't do anything now that you will regret when it's too late or when you are feeling better.

I feel for you and am experiencing a major depression right now myself.

Love yourself because you are loveable and there is so much more to yourself than to this disease which makes it difficult to even be ourselves.

Hugs, and if you ever need anything don't hesitate to pm me or add me as a friend.

~Upanddownguy

Wow. I just read over all of the comments I have gotten from this post and I feel so blessed. When I was finished reading I thought, wow, these people are incredible. I wish I could talk to them everyday. I hope to marry someone like these people. It may sound extreme but I don't care. You are all wonderful and I want to thank you. I wish I could keep this thread in my back pocket to guide me through life. Man I'm too hard on myself. I still feel really messed up and that I have deeply rooted issued that I fear will be with me until the end. Damn I am such a pessimist. And thank you morrisbeal for your positivity. Also thank you upanddownguy for what you said, it really touched me.

I will say I'm in bed and I'm not crying. I don't feel the need to cry so that's a step up I think. That's how I started this post I was so upset my world falling apart that I was scared broken and crying. But I feel stronger now. Thanks to you guys. And the gym and fish oils and hot showers and everything you guys have said. It's nice to lift my head above water if ya know what I mean. Therapy tomorrow so I can get down to business putting this crazy puzzle together. Reattaching pieces of myself hopefully and healing. If I can do a substantial amount of healing in my lifetime while accomplishing things and having a little fun oh ya and staying sane then I'll be happy with my life. Ok I'll stop talking now. I just thought you guys might want to know how you've helped me.

grenadine, why don't you copy and paste the whole thread onto a Word document and do exactly as you said, keep in in your pocket or purse to look at whenever you need to?? I do stuff like that and it means we CAN keep those posts, or journals in the future, and not have that wisdom get lost when threads die out.

I too have body images. I put on massive weight partly due to psych meds and that makes me feel yucky about myself and I know that, I am getting off the offending drug, or at least down on it and when i started to go down on it recently my appetite dropped right down. But that last time I was my normal weight, due to a lifetime of yo yo dieting, I was and will be again, very flabby with crepe-paper style skin on my thighs and flabby boobs. I also self harm through OCD by biting and picking my quicks until they bleed - for decades, around my fingers and I have permanently defotmed my nails bases and it's terrible - everyone can see it. I also scratch sores on my body as part of the OCD and though i would love to have a boyfriend, I fear showing my body - which is all covered with clothing normally of course.

But I mention both the body changes to to weight fluctuation and the quick biting and picking in relation to your scars from self harm. I try to see my scars, sores and even the body image stuff as "battle scars" in my lifetime fight again mental illnesses. They are obviously mal-adaptive, but really, they do serve a purpose. They help manage overwhelming anxiety and are an external manifestation of internal pain. Please don't do that self harm again, but please try to look at it from another perspective, that they are battle scars and I guess collateral damage.

As severe as my self harm is and how ugly and apparent as it is, my doctors have never even worried about that issue, they have deemed it's low on the pecking order of my more serious and life-threatening illnesses.

And I think that's where you're at. Your depression is making you concentrate on these "perceived" shortcomings, where you actually have bigger fish to fry - getting psych help for ther depression and hopelessness.

I have those cigarette scars on my forearm too. I'm ashamed of them at times but have learned to forgive myself and say well, that's what I needed to do at the time to get thru the terrible pain i was in. so be it. that was who i was at the time. i don't do it anymore. that's great! I don't have to burn myself anymore! i have improved! it's taken me at least 40 years to rid myself of feelings of hurting myself! what an accomplishment! all i can do is see the scars and say those are in the past! good luck to you. the way i came to christ was to pretend i believed in him and eventually he started answering my prayers and i had to believe in him! sounds wacky but it worked!

Wendy, thank you for sharing your story with me. Battle scars, thats a good way to look at them. Thank you for relating to my story, it makes me feel less alone in my struggle. Hugs and prayers to you.

Alice, I love your enthusiasm. I am trying to create a good relationship with christ, I just have to keep trying. I've never met anyone who burned themselves like that like I did... and on the forearm.... sucks. I want to create jewelry that covers them or some kind of sleeve wrist guard with the fingers cut off. I know that I will wear long white gloves for my wedding day. But no, I will never do that again.

Your episodes sound way too much like mine. I wonder about that seasonique--if it might help.

I'm with you sister man what a crazy road this is. I haven't talked to my doctor about my other options yet so I have no new information.