Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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grenadine 08/22/2011

I have been crying in my bed before I go to sleep more often lately. I'm not sure if me possibly pmsing has anything to do with my overall state these past couple days but I'm falling apart. Today I felt aggitated aggravated irritated and angry. I think it's anger toward myself because I got in a fight with two tangled bikes today I gave up went inside and wanted to google: how to kill yourself. I searched how to calm down when you're angry instead but while I was searching I thought to myself if I was a cutter I would cut myself right now. I dismissed the idea of burning myself with a cigarette because I did that a bunch once on my arm and now I have shame written on my forearm. Anyway I just feel like I'm bad. I am very hard on myself everyone in my fam tells me that. I feel like I'm not good enough and I'll never be good enough because inside I'm bad and I hate myself sometimes. What happened to my spirit? That's what I've been wondering. Where's the joy the love the faith? It doesn't live here sadly. I guess thats why I cry tonight. Maybe my anger and irritation was a moodswing. Mania. I don't often get that full of anger. I don't know what do you guys think? A simple hello hang in there would be lovely. And if not well it's good to write about it anyway.

deleted_user 08/22/2011

I will keep you in my prayers tonight! I am so sorry you are having to go through this! It is so hard when you have no support, as with this disease it is hard enough to love ourselves let alone not have anybody love us in return for who we are!
Try to not cut, try to not burn....they will leave physical scars that you will always remember. If you want to talk, PLEASE PM me, I will talk to you anytime I am on ds, which is alot!

I wish you some peace. Cry if you must as sometimes it is good for us to cry and get it all out, but I am here if you need a friend!

Hugs and prayers,
Suzzy

grenadine 08/22/2011

Gosh thank you Suzzy!

Marilyanna 08/22/2011

Eeegads pmsing and moodswings!!!!!!! I was manic during most of my pmsing. I am so sorry you feel so down and angry. Being angry is just the worst. When your are manic you have things to do but when you are angry it all goes inside. You are a wonderfulperson to have decided not to cut and burn. Your arm loves you!!!!!

Hot showers can change your mood says my pdoc. Can you take a few one every half hour. And then splash your face with ice water in between?

Have you ever meditated.

I hate to say this but a good chocolate bar is good too.

I am giving you a huge huggeroooo from Marilyanna whooooossshhhhhh....

grenadine 08/22/2011

Wow you're awesome! Thanks for the support much needed. Anger and hate is so nasty today wad awful i hope tomorrow is better. I was in the middle of a 40 day meditation and I skipped a day last week... I haven't gone back to it and I started to get so agitated after that I decided I really didn't like meditation anymore I put up a wall. But I know it's so good for the body mind and spirit I did a full 40 day in the winter and it changed my life for the better. Guess I ought to give it another shot in time. That's interesting about the hot showers I'll have to try that. Thanks again for the support and the hugs I'm returning your hugs now.

sepi 08/22/2011

I used to have the worst PMS. I was irritable, angry and hated everyone including myself. Fortunately, I no longer get periods so that part is ok.

But I think I have many strikes againsst me: I come from a physically and emotionally abusive family, my father is an alcoholic, my mother suffers from depression among other things, I have bipolar, and I am an alcoholic ( although a recovering one)

With this combination, I should technically be doing worse than I am.

Hang in there and give yourself a break. Life beats us down enough, it doesn't need any help!

Hope you feel better soon.

deleted_user 08/22/2011

Hey Sweety, specifically on the PMS issues, I started my period when I was 11 ans am 44 now. For many years, while not on the Pill, I would feel suicidal and out of control during PMS, even if I was feeling mentally OK otherwise.

I found a terrific solution. I take the PILL back to back without taking the 7 sugar pills, thus I am continually on the Pill. It stops me ovulating, it stops PMS and it stops me having a period. I have very complex mental illnesses, but SERIOUSLY, the PMS part of the equation is no longer one of them.

If you want to retain fertility for the future, it is my understanding that doing what I do will have no effect on your future level of fertility. It is suggested to have a break every now and again to let the system normalise and have a proper period. Speak to your GP about it. It is literally a life saver for me and has improved that area of my life.

grenadine 08/22/2011

Thanks sepi, I know what you mean... I have some abuse alcoholics and mental illness in my family too. I'll have to talk to my doctor about this PMS though, it's really not helping. Since I woke up today I have been depressed. I feel it in my body and my mind... so stiff and hopless, sad. But I just read all my new comments of support on this thread and I feel a little better, so thanks.

grenadine 08/22/2011

Thanks Richard. I appreciate your post, although I don't know what seasonal anglo is. But I think your right, I give my mind so much power to put me down and convince myself that I'm bad... I need to release the bind and have a free clear mind. It's just the meditation I was doing recently made me frustrated and I couldn't wait to be done with it when I started. This included chanting arms in a crossed, fingers touching at different chants and my eyes centered at the tip of my nose. Maybe a different approach would help. Thank you for the bit about my spirit never leaving me, I just recalled someone telling me that the magic I had as a child never left me, I still have that...spirit if you will. Thank you again Richard.

grenadine 08/22/2011

Thanks for the heads up Wendy. To me it sounds unnatural to never have a period, but I guess if it becomes desperate maybe that could be something I'd look into. PMS is such a bummer! It's like I PMS for two weeks, then I get my period, then I have a full week on the pill without PMS so that makes it 2 weeks without PMS and then I go back into two weeks of PMS. Not cool. I've always been a very hormonal girl... first got my cycle right after 4th grade and I developed early. The birth control I use now helps I believe. We'll see, I should talk to a professional about it too probably...

deleted_user 08/22/2011

Just a thought to keep in mind:

God doesn't make junk.

Big Hugs,
Morgaine

care4me 08/22/2011

I hope you can get a handle on it, and by not taking a med can trigger this reaction. I have done that before and the same thing happened to me. Good Luck!

grenadine 08/22/2011

When you say God doesn't make junk are you saying that because I think I'm junk and that can't be true because God doesn't make junk?

I'm not getting a handle on it... I'm spiraling down and down and down. I think I'll starve myself.

deleted_user 08/22/2011

Grenadine,
I know how you feel, you feel like shit. But for me meditatiing with soft music and clearing my mind while doing deep breathing really helps/
If you dont want to do that, try some healthy coping skills, listen to music, take a walk when you are angry, journal, keep talking to us and reach out, call a friend and talk about her or his day,anything to get you out of your own headspace. Anger usually stems from Fear. Write down your fears and write down what they look like. and how the will look with your Higher Power in control. Good luck and ((HUGS))

Halterbroke 08/22/2011

Grenadine - I take a birth control pill called Seasonique. It is three months of regular pills and then a week of placebos so you have one period every three months. It makes the periods really light and short and has virtually eliminated my pms. My GYN put me on it because I would have crushing suicidal depressions every month.

Hormones are hell!

I will be thinking of you. xo

grenadine 08/22/2011

Thank you Rachyl for your help and suggestions, sincerely.

Halterbroke I have heard of seasonique and I'm going to ask my doctor about it next time I see her.

I am so so bipolar. Earlier today I was freaking out so hard and was so angry at myself and then I took a long warm hot shower as someone suggested and I feel so calm.

THANK YOU EVERYBODY

Unfortunately it's a rollercoaster so I'll go down again at some point, I just need to get a grip and get through PMS for now.

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