Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I'm at my wits end. I was diagnosed bipolar II like about a year or more ago. I forget. I didn't accept it at first, and still having a hard time accepting it. Lamictal was the first treatment, and I wigged out on it having fits of rage where I broke things. After that I wouldn't take any drug for bipolar and insisted that they go with my first diagnosis of chronic depression that I had for years. Then I had to switch doctor/clinics around and had another one tell me I was bipolar so I tried again to take bipolar meds - next time Lithium. It made me physically ill with diarrea so often I spent the day in the bathroom. Next up, the one I'm on now, Geodon. Dr started me out on what she called a baby dose, just 10 mg and increased now, for about 2 months on 20 mg. Within a week of starting it, I had a manic episode the likes of which I'd never experienced before. But I stuck with the treatment. Then I started having a lot of anxiety so, we started Buspar. Again, starting out on a baby dose of just 5 mg for 2 weeks and upped two weeks ago to 10 mg. Now, for the last few days, the anxiety is at epic proportions. My mind is racing, I can't concentrate, I can't get anything done, anything triggers chest tightening, heart palps, sweating, and an overwhelming sense of fear. I've avoided ever going to the hospital, but yesterday I called my support person and was willing to do whatever it takes to end the anxiety, even a hospital stay. She was able, instead, to get a hold of nurse practitioner that handles the meds and increased the Buspar to 10mg three times a day and add in Klonepin, just one 5mg a day. I think it's the Geodon causing the anxiety. I'm not sure why I'm here...I needed to vent, to see if anyone else has reacted like this. First time I ever came to a support group like this. Tho no stranger to realife support groups in the past.
Second, it takes some people a long time to find the right medication combo to help control their bipolar disorder. I know I tried a few different cocktails before finally hitting on the right meds.
And third, feel free to vent here. It's what this place is here for.
Trying to explain to the professionals how I'm feeling is really frustrating too. Half the time it's like whatever my complaint, they chalk it up to a symptom of my mental illness. What a catch 22. All I know for sure is that how I'm feeling right now just is not my usual self, whether manic me or depressed me.
If I am bipolar, the ups are so mild, it's more like, 'geeze, I feel okay today'.
Oh, forgive my manners while I vent - thanks for the welcome.
I'm signing off for the night now. Thanks for your repsonses.
I have never taken Geodon, but I'm leaving the Buspar on the shelf PERMANENTLY! Klonopin works, why not just take that 2x per day? Ask the doctor.
But I can tell you from being dx for 10 years, the pdocs do dont make a dx of bipolar lightly because of the drugs they know you are going to expose you to. (This is the nurse in me talking, they take it serious)
Pdocs think different than regular docs. They want & need to know all about how the meds make you feel, any & all side effects you are having, what is working and what is not.
DO a search on bipolar. Looks to me like you have a lot of the symptoms like racing thoughts. And I know how misereable anxiety can be. If you think you would do better in the hospital, THEN GO!!!
I've had to go before to get my meds straight. The pdocs can get the meds straight much quicker in the hospital where you are in a controlled enivornment. You nurses, therapist, psych techs and pdocs checking on you so they much more info to work with. No one enjoys having to check into a mental hospital, but I can tell you from experience if can be a true LIFE SAVER. If you think you should go, something is telling you you NEED to go.
GOOD LUCK!
Hope to hear back from you.
RL
I went for about 10 years diagnosed with depression and tried all the antidepressants. I was also haphazard in all those years with continuing care. Sometimes I'd get just therapy, no meds, sometimes I'd just go to a family doctor and get meds, but no therapy. Only in the last 5 years have I continuously sought out therapy and meds. I understand that's probably why I now have a BP II diagnosis - because the pattern has finally emerged after years of continuous care - therapy/meds together. But it's a hell of a thing to accept.
Also, though it's been continuous care now, it hasn't been consistent care. I don't have a regular place to go really. In my part of NC, the mental health care has completely flopped. The place that was supposed to carry out the state rules and regs for supplying MH care filed bankruptcy a couple years ago and since then I've been to three or four clinics, seen twice as many different people. I haven't seen a bonafide psych dr in the last 2 years. NPs or PAs have been supervising my meds. I don't have much faith in them, which adds a realness to the anxiety I feel.
But, I gotta say, today, the anxiety is not so intense as it was the last 4 days now. Increase in Buspar? The Klonopin? I dunno, but I'm functioning a bit better today. I see my support person again tomorrow, but the NP isn't available again till Monday. I've been reading about withdrawals from Geodon and yikes, I am not about to risk that in my already fragile state.
I don't think Klonopin is a long term answer for me. It fits in the category of benzos and that can mean addiction, and I know no DR or NP is gonna let me stay on it long. Noone has ever let me even try Xanex. I hear it's a real beater to get off of.
Its not all in my head!
Also, a new vent.
Here I am in the middle of a crisis. I am somewhat calmer than I was a couple days ago, thank you Klonopin. My support person comes to my house, usually once a week, 2 hours, but this week twice because they figure I need an eye on me I guess.
She gets here and we talk for about 45 minutes and she gets a call on her cell phone. The call lasted 40 minutes. It was a personal call, some kind of crisis in her own life apparently. 40 freakin' minutes she sits in my living room discussing her issues! With me having my own crisis! I could not believe it. At first I sat there thinking the call would end in a couple minutes. Then I got a cup of coffee. Then I went and made my bed. Then I read a few paragraphs in a book. Then I put some laundry away. I was thinking about taking a shower when it sounded like the call was finally winding down.
So I sat down across from her after she hung up and told her she could go now. There was still some time left of our two hours. She seemed surprised and asked if I was upset. I said yes. She asked why, so I told her that call lasted 40 minutes. She didn't believe me and looked on her phone and had to admit it was true - exactly 39 minutes. She apologized, and I said it didn't matter. I meant her apology didn't matter to me. I said she should just go and she practically slunk out of there, tail between her legs.
I could not believe it. I was furious. Heart pounding, all upset, how to handle this without going off on her, I knew I couldn't just ignore it like nothing happened.
Its the equivilant of going in for a therapy session and having the therapist talk on the phone the whole time.
Ventventventvent...and this is me called down.
Hope you get some help here and talk to your doctor soon!
Hanging on till Monday so that I atleast have hope of getting the NP to up a dose of this or decrease that or add in something new altogether. I have a LCSW friend thats retired, and I email with her all the time, and she thinks she's seen improvement in me on the Geodon, so she's thinking if NP adds in another drug, propolonol, instead of Klonopin, that should control the akathisia.
Me, I just want to chuck it all down the drain, wean me off of all of it. Let me see who I am again for awhile and then try again. Anyone here ever feel like that?