Time to see your p.doc. or go to A & E. Have you got some meds. to help things settle down ?

i have no dr. i have no meds. a&e would turn me away. and nobody cares at home :(

a&e never works. have you ever tried it whats your experience ?X

I have never tried it voluntarily. My friend takes me when I get like you are describing. I get argumentative about it & swear blind everyone else is batshit & not me. I have always found that A & E are very helpful & the p.doc. sees me & asks what I think are ridiculous questions. My friend sits in with me & reminds me about what is happening & gets my meds. with me. At the time I view it as a load of BS but when I'm better I know it was helpful.

I'm on chat if you need to talk/vent about anything.

oh i see =)

i dont have friends or anyone who notices anything about me so i doubt voluntarily turning up at a&e and explaining that i want to kill someone isn't going to do a lot lol

thanks anyway hope youre good x

Mush!!!!!!!!!

It's always so good to 'see' you!!!!!
(Geez!!! If things are getting this bad, I guess it's good just to know that you're ALIVE!!!!)

Yeah, forcibly removed from society and plopped in a place where nothing much is demanded of you and that shields you from all the shit you're now being assaulted with sounds a whole lot better!!!

I doubt it would be preferable if it continued for the rest of your life. Believe it or not, I think the time would come where the grass would then be greener back on the other side.

I think there's a small bit of merit in what you say about 'letting' yourself get that sick.

But it doesn't always work that way, Mush.
There often comes a time when you don't LET yourself get sicker. You can't STOP yourself from getting sicker.

You may be at that point right at this very moment. (Which is not to say that you are doomed to become even sicker. You may stay as you are now or even flip into feeling pretty damn happy!)

It may be out of your hands.

If you COULD control how sick you get, you wouldn't be feeling like you do right now.

Rage sucks, or so it sounds from what you say here.

You know, Mush, not ALL of what you're feeling is the Bipolar Disorder.

You were used in the worst way by family and have to live with their attitude that it was no big thing.

If they've now let you down in other ways as well, I'm very sorry.

Such a common response to being abused and neglected -- self-hatred. It serves some purpose, though.

Sometimes, self-hatred is a twisted way of minimizing the wrongs that are done to us.
If one is deserving of hatred, then the poor treatment we receive is appropriate.
We shift the blame to ourselves.

In cases where we don't stand up for ourselves, self-hatred lets us feel a measure of power and control. We choose to see it as our fault because we didn't stop it from happening, even though we could have stopped it.

Feeling that way is sometimes easier and much less terrifying than facing the truth that we were powerless and couldn't stop it from happening. And wards off the fear that we're still powerless and if that's the case, can do nothing to keep it from happening again.

And then, sometimes it's 'just' brain chems, poisoning our opinion of ourselves.

I would think that because of your love of language, writing down all the venom that's filling you would prove to be a great release.
But I know from past experience, that just doesn't 'do it' for you.

Have you tried to physically expend some of your rage by beating or breaking things, other than cats, every other person in the world and yourself?
Destroying crap that you won't later wish that you hadn't?

I don't know where you stand on recreational drugs at the moment, but they wouldn't be the best way to go right now.
In fact, if you have continued on in using them, they probably are part of the reason you feel as bad as you do.

Why don't you try the A & E one more time? Glare at the intake person and tell them you're going to kill them and as many other people as you can manage to kill.

Do you think they'd still send you away, even if you said that? If so, tell the sonofabitch sending you away to watch his or her back, because you ARE going to get them, LOL!!!!

I wish I had an answer for you, Mush. I wish there was some way to help.
I don't understand why they won't give you the help that you need.
Given your circumstances, I don't see how you could feel any way other than tired and lonely and struggling.

And I'm so sorry that you're in such an angry, unhappy state right now.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

chew on the rug is still getting me. don't try to convert me to your madness !

Carla you never fail to say something that pulls me through x

Mush ~
I'm so sorry your feeling this way!
I've been there too it sucks beyond belief!
I will send you out positive healing wishes your way .
I pray that you can somewhat deal until it passes .
Silky ~
PS ... leave ur kitty alone ... lol
Destroy some shit you don't really need , or go in your car and scream on top of your lungs , cry ect . that help's me ...
Take care!