Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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xBlissx 10/14/2009

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm going to have to go in and say that I haven't been to work at all this week. I'm supposed to be going in in the mornings for 4 hours, 3 times a week but I've not made it once this week cause I've been feeling so down again.

I was doing so well and now it's going to be the same old story. "Hey guess what! Yep that's right, feeling shit again so everything goes out the window. Yep that's right I am indeed a complete failure. I can't keep anything going and I was stupid to think I ever could!"

I've just tried to pretty much ignore the downward spiral as I felt it creeping in because I didn't want to believe it was going to happen again. Not after I've been doing well for the longest time since being ill. But no, here it is again. Rearing it's ugly head. I hate it! I hate it so much! Why wont this horrible shitty illness just leave me alone to get on with the life I was going to have! Why do I have to let it beat me down so that I don't even want to get up and live anymore! Oh I forgot, because I'm a stupid, weak, piece of crap who just builds everyone's hopes up and then disappoints them over and over.

And now, typing this out, I've realised just how much I FUCKING HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!

x-Bliss-x

tommymott 10/14/2009

I can understand how you feel but I don't think it's warranted. You have to do what's necessary and realistic. If you can't make it to work then you're not a failure, you're responding to the reality of your life.
We can set a rigid goal for ourselves and be perennially disappointed or we can set flexible standards for ourselves that will accommodate life's realities. An outpouring of self-loathing is not a good way to take care of ourselves. So accept the reality
that you're a good person and deserving of love and understanding. I know that's a radical approach, but try it...

surferchica 10/15/2009

it is one thing to take responsibility for any failings...that is adult and not entirely bad. But on the other hand, since you do have BP, self flagellation and loathing will not help to correct the behavior and where it came from and only make yourself feel worse than ever. But of course I do support your vent. Venting should let off the pressure but hopefully not lead you down the path of self hate. A vent does not have to end that way :)

BP can really f*ck up a lot of things. Just be honest with your therapist and move on. My sympathies for the bad place you are in. I hope you get to a more stable and calm place soon.

take care and (((hugs)))

deleted_user 10/20/2009

I feel your pain, I really do. I feel like that about myself a lot. Especially since I've screwed so many things up in the past few years. The only thing that keeps me getting up and going to work is the reality of three kids and a mortgage on the fritz. It's so tough. You should try DBT, I got some things out of it. Helped me with the self loathing a little bit and just gave me some ways to cope with the pain of being me. Everthing is work though...the more you let yourself get dragged down the worse it gets it seems. You have to be the hardest worker out there because it's so hard just to get out of bed. Try to be happy with yourself for accomplishing small goals. Hell I'm proud of myself for just brushing my teeth on Saturday when I don't have to. Then if I can at least clean up the kitchen I'm doing awesome. Who cares if the rest of the house is a mess and the kids are coloring on the walls. Good luck.

deleted_user 10/21/2009

After all that, it really says something about you that you would still even go to your therapy appointment! Good for you!

deleted_user 10/21/2009

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am so sorry. You are in the same place I am right now. At least we know we are not alone...

deleted_user 10/21/2009

I know EXACTLY how you feel and I really feel bad for you and wish you felt better. I am in the same place you are.

deleted_user 10/28/2009

I don't know how anyone else feels...but I used to constantly set high expectations of myself. I was a workaholic in school and I always was able to stretch myself thin and pull through. Since I was diagnosed I suddenly couldn't avoid sleeping for work anymore. I was diagnosed at 19 during college and it ruined my education. I presumed I'd go graduate school, get a high paying overachiever type job...but now, that just isn't me anymore. I require sleep to avoid episodes...I can't pull all nighters...Now I just want a simple job as a poker dealer so I can have my own place and live my life in peace. My point is...things change...maybe try bringing the bar down a little. We can all be so hard on ourselves that we forget to take it a day at a time and focus too much on past mistakes or seemingly bleak futures. Despite all the negative impacts bp has had on my life and my current situation...I believe being bipolar is a blessing and not a curse. Small steps hun.

Btw i dont know if anyones noticed it yet but until I see at least a couple hundred people on this site attempt it...im gonna keep saying it...NEUROFEEDBACK FOR THE WIN!

RemissionEventually 10/28/2009

I can SO relate to that, it just seems like I can never stay right for long and sometimes I wonder what's the point of even trying. And I too always end up going back to my doc with the same old tale and he keeps tweeking and tweeking my meds and I get so frustrated sometimes I just want to throw them out the window! But you gotta hang in there. Remember, you won't feel like this forever it just takes time.

Which sucks none the less. But hey, its our reality.

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