**trigger-warning because i mention suicide and slurs and this entire story continues to be really fucked up, but hopefully this is the last of this group of people**

I'm not friends with K anymore or the people I was going to move in with, Z and E. I had a Borderline episode while I was there and cried hysterically and often. It was because I did not feel welcome, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually I left because of it.

Before I left I was crying on the bathroom floor and K's boyfriend D found out and called me 75 times out of concern even though we weren't supposed to have any further contact. If not before, then by that point.

My phone was on silent the whole way back and I fell asleep in the car, but when I got back I saw that, and was kind of "Wtf 75 times" so I called him back to ask what it was about, and he told me he was concerned because I was crying in the bathroom while they were all out laughing in the living room, so I just broke down and told him everything and he said not to tell K, but that she'd called me an ugly whore and so he didn't think she was a very good friend to me.... which I didn't believe. I asked him for a screenshot, he provided it to me, and she did in fact say that. At which point I said, "Fuck it, come over." I wasn't going to fuck him, and I didn't. We didn't. Just so he could hold me and talk to me. I cut before he came over and answered the door with a paper-towel-wrapped arm.

K found out and pitched a bitch and Z and E were on her side. Everybody profusely and liberally called me a whore over text, even though I didn't and wasn't going to sleep with him.

She made him drive the 3 hours up to Greenville to see her last night, brought her back. She apparently accused me of rape, which is the only thing that pissed me off and confused me enough to talk to her about today. When I asked her about it she said he was high and acting crazy and saying crazy shit, but asked me not to ever talk to him again still, to which I was like "I dunno that sounds kind of extreme I'll think about it" and she cursed me out and called me a whore again.

Not long after that he called me a whore over text and said I felt gross lying against him and that I was his mistake. I'm not sure whether she sent that or he did, but I don't care anymore.

I was starting to love him. And I cared about him a whole fucking lot, but once you slut shame me and call me misogynistic slurs, we're done forever. If he texts me again I'll be like "Fuck off, creep."

He got all weird and possessive over facebook messages that I read after all this. I was asleep before, and he'd sent them like an hour prior, he was like "I thought you loved me now you're just ignoring me" so I honestly think it probably was him texting me and calling me "whore" and "gross" and "feminazi".

I'm left with no friends and over something that wasn't even sex. I'm the whore of Babylon and I didn't even fuck anybody again.

I feel disgusted and I want to mutilate my own genitals but because of the job I was trying to get, I can't ehhhh.... I can't be all dinged-up physically. I'll be judged for my beauty. So.

But right now I really would. I want to carve "sorry" into my pubic mound but again I need to not be more scarred and scathed than I already am right now from the wounds on my left arm. My entire left forearm's fucked up right now.

And I took a whole bunch of pills while I was up there, I wasted most of my allotment for the month just trying to dull my personality enough to make myself likable for everybody else.

So now I can't move out of my mother's house. I guess I could try Craigslist or trans housing network or something.

I can't stay here anymore. I want to die. I have no friends. If I weren't trying to work based on my looks to get a job that'd be compatible with my disability, I'd really do a number on myself and revel in the pain and torture. At least then it'd be me torturing my own self instead of people tearing me up emotionally.

Plus I still feel guilty about betraying K even though I can't fathom why just hanging out with the dude was a big deal to begin with and they all super overreacted.

I have nothing left and I don't know how to get anything.

Last thing. While there when I was crying a lot she said (remember she was in a long-term psychiatric facility for 2 years, actually a couple different ones) I reminded her of the sociopaths and the people with "EXTREME" Borderline Personality Disorder. This is not the first time I've been told this or told that I act bizarre in-person and as she put it, "Not the person I got along with online".

I want to die hahahahahahahahaha.

I'm gonna do a craigslist or THN post later. I need to leave. My mother's house is healthier than their's right now for sure but who knows how long they'll continue to harass me. I need a support system. Somewhere that truly feels like home. I thought I got that "home" feeling with D but nah, I was just his whore, his mistake. Everything but his friend, which is all I really wanted to be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btZW1xNG-UQ (Dopesick Jam by EyeHateGod, it sounds sick and harsh, so that's why I'm listening to it right now)