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How do you deal with being estranged from your family around holidays?
My mother just told me she's not going to the Easter celebration, so neither am I. If she doesn't go, I have no reason to. I'm completely estranged from my entire family except for her, my aunt who I'm on mixed-terms with, and my grandparents.
I think maybe the first step would be to delete both of my cousins off of facebook, because it's very obvious to me that they both have my posts set to "ignore". It's only really hurtful around the holidays.
They're both in school full-time and working, I'm the only one who isn't.
They don't really take interest in my life, because my life's not particularly interesting. I have no occupation at 20. I guess I can't blame them, but it gets to me sometimes, particularly around holidays.
I found a statistics article recently (I lost the link unfortunately) speaking about how self-esteem is actually healthier when it's based upon personal traits that you like about yourself, rather than accomplishments, but I was literally always told by my family that it should be based on what you do?
...Well, that explains a lot.
My mother just told me she's not going to the Easter celebration, so neither am I. If she doesn't go, I have no reason to. I'm completely estranged from my entire family except for her, my aunt who I'm on mixed-terms with, and my grandparents.
I think maybe the first step would be to delete both of my cousins off of facebook, because it's very obvious to me that they both have my posts set to "ignore". It's only really hurtful around the holidays.
They're both in school full-time and working, I'm the only one who isn't.
They don't really take interest in my life, because my life's not particularly interesting. I have no occupation at 20. I guess I can't blame them, but it gets to me sometimes, particularly around holidays.
I found a statistics article recently (I lost the link unfortunately) speaking about how self-esteem is actually healthier when it's based upon personal traits that you like about yourself, rather than accomplishments, but I was literally always told by my family that it should be based on what you do?
...Well, that explains a lot.
I'll try to do the same, just sleep today.
If I had a huge quantity of disposable friends it wouldn't be *as* bad, I guess? I see a lot of people cope with it by drowning themselves in friends, but I don't have very many, so I can't do that.
Adult friendships are formed mostly out of convenience, so it's very difficult if you don't have a job, don't attend school full-time, have a stay-at-home job, or aren't a member of a tightknit, dedicated community.
I still haven't figured out how to attain the feeling of inter-connectivity without steady employment, a career, going to uni, being close to your family, or having friends you grew up with, and from everything I can tell, there's no real "cutting corners" or way to feel connected to society without.... one of these things.
You can't make-shift a reliable tether.
I feel like this is how (no offense to religious members) this is how churches draw people in, because some people are just... so desperate for a community.
It's gotten the better of me before too, but I can't pretend to have a sense of spirituality I don't have right now.
I think maybe this is why people "settle" in relationships too?
1. Gran's hysterectomy after Dad was born.
2. My Father's death in the Northern Ireland 'Troubles'.
3. My Aunt's death due to Breast Cancer.
4. Mum's Parkinson's and subsequent death.
5. The ten-year age gap between me and my Brother.
Laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside; like Aretha Franklin.
And that low self esteem comes from the outside (others input)...and like you ...the reason I read this post is because I'm also being rejected from my family...or at least I feel that way.
And if I listen to the spiritual leader...it doesn't matter what others make me feel...I need to feel worthy..I am deserving of happiness..I am a loving and caring person...and if others don't see it...it is their loss.
Its hard to believe that...its hard to believe I'm worth it.
Missing my family on Easter...and I'm sure they are missing me...but circumstances are not allowing us to be together right now..I think it is important for me to believe that it is the circumstances...and NOT ME..personally.
I'm trying to just sleep today and escape too..but the pain keeps me awake...it sux..but we are too hard on ourselves..we deserve happiness...its not like murdered anyone...we are good....we are just struggling...and other people don't understand..but that doesn't make us not good.
As for self-esteem being based on what you do or what others think of you... that ain't it. It's SELF-esteem, what YOU like and think about yourself, what YOU'RE proud of... You make your own self-esteem, with your own thoughts and feelings about your traits. And you absolutely can draw pride and satisfaction and self-esteem from things you do that make you feel good (like this, right now, for me). But don't buy into other people's value systems if they don't feel right to you.
People are going to think about you what they think about you, and you have very little (if any) power over that. But if you know who you are and what you believe in, what other people think of you doesn't matter. Their opinions don't change one iota -- unless you let them. Don't. Keep your own power.
The smaller celebration with your mom is an excellent alternative.
Be well V, and Believe in Yourself!!
jack
I actually had a wonderful Easter being excluded from the "family". No one to make me do all the work, no ill concealed barbs, no shaking hands and no coming home in tears. I didn't have to make up a lie for not being there and I didn't have to have the hell bored out of me all day.
What I did was cook a beautiful meal at my home. I planted all of my flowers and some new fruit trees. I went bike riding. Did my nails. Finished up the laundry. Hugged and loved my husband and my dog. Did a lot of laughing and goofing off. Finally, I showered and fluffed my hair. Then I collapsed on the sofa for movies and video games until bedtime. It was a great day.
Figure out what YOU want to do, Voltaire, and then do it. Surround yourself with positivity and avoid the toxic at all cost. Sure, it's a little lonely at first, but at the end of the day you can still feel good about yourself.