I feel like I am in a fog, but it is dense with thoughts. There is so much to do, but I am paralyzed by the option of where to start, so then nothing gets done. I want to drink, but I do not. I want to smoke, but I do not. I want to hurt, but I do not. I want to run, but I do not. I want to be promiscuous, but I do not. It feels like there are cotton balls in my ears, so everything around me is muffled; I must force myself to hear those around me. There is too much responsibility that requires too much restraint. My heart pounds a million miles per minute, but my body is tied to the couch. My mind races to faraway places, but my eyes only seen the screen in front of me. My body does not feel like it belongs to me.

I feel like life has mistaken, I should not be where I am. I feel like my mind betrays me, and taunts me with unwarranted desires. I crave punishment. I crave dark places. I do not wish to see myself in the light. The downward path is much more gratifying then the one required of my daily existence.  Nights are becoming longer, with less sleep; and days are short but exhausting. The kids tug at my heart, and guilt motivates interaction. I am quick to anger, but linger in regret. Is it all just a mind trick? Do I bring this on myself? Could I avoid it all by exerting some stronger will?

I do not want to cause pain to my family. I do not want to destroy trust. I do not want to relive the past, or bring new ways to harm. I do not want to feel the way I do, but I do not want to become numb. There is no middle ground, just new ways to shove it down; to hid it all and save it for another day.