Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Hi folks, I'm new to this forum, I have lived with Bipolar type II for over 20 years and with chronic fatigue syndrome for the last 8 years.
I figured some of you might identify with my ruminations below...
I just read the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde book. To my surprise it seemed to me to be a rather simplistic piece of storytelling. But I recognized that it is a classic because it's based on an incredibly complex and timeless theme. The duality of human nature and what we choose to do with it.
I've long been aware of that duality, more so than most. All my life, its been so easy for people to connect to and accept my Dr Jekyll side. Who can resist the warm, charming, outgoing, incredibly bright version of me. I myself quite admire her and I'm comfortable in her skin.
But she's not the native Max. I created her a long time ago, because I needed to get away from who I was. Broken. Isolated. Incapable of fitting in because (as I was told) I had no inherent value.
It frustrates me that both sides of me are creations, one created by me, one created by people and circumstances outside of myself. I have a tough time determining which one God intended me to be.
It dawned on me a few years ago that my home is a perfect reflection of who I really am. Ordinary was not acceptable so in many ways it is beyond ordinary. And it couldn't be perfect, because I've never been perfect in fact have been frequently told that I am less than acceptable. So it had to have some wear to it, a few chips and dents and worn-in imperfections. And that had to be ok. My home is an incomplete mess not because I am lazy, or stupid but because subconsciously it is an expression of who I am inside. Unfinished, damaged, in some ways unsightly. If one cares enough to look closely the beauty is obvious but it needs a lot of tender loving care.
I know the people closest to me have difficulty accepting the concept of bipolar disorder. To them that means crazy, and crazy doesn't fit into the perfect little worlds that we like to create for ourselves. So they pull away and think if she would just try a little harder, stop making such illogical decisions, stop thinking so much (and lose a bit of weight) she would be just fine.
Truth is I've never been fine. Not ever, for as long as I can remember. I just hid it behind the drive and the accomplishments, the humor and the charm. But more and more I've had the desire to live true to who I am. So my home is a mess, my relationships are a mess, my finances are a mess.. because my head is a mess. And I could not run from it, it came through in perfectionism and continual frustration, easily provoked anger, in intolerance and arrogance, in fits of temper and temperamental rages.
It came through in crippling bouts of depression and the desire to take my own life that I have lived with for over 20 years. And it came through in CFS.
I feel like people have never been able to support me because they have never taken the time to truly know me. I know some have tried to reach out a hand to Dr Jekyll but they truly cannot fathom what to do with Mr Hyde. And my Jekyll side doesn't really need people, it is my Hyde side that has such a desperate desire to connect in a deep and meaningful way and the absolute inability to do so.
My Hyde never wanted to hurt anyone, never wanted to be unkind but she has been, inadvertently. She has alienated people, pushed them away or lost them even while she was trying desperately to save them. She can observe, rationally and analyze in excruciating detail the dynamics of human connection. She can even replicate some of the steps but deep down there is a huge void between caring about people and being able to truly connect to them. And the irony of mental illness is 'it is practically impossible to fight it alone'. So the thing I need most to help me through my journey, is the thing I am least able to tap into.
My Dr Jekyll is so filled with hope, with compassion, with joy, with big BIG dreams and such a huge desire to help people in meaningful ways. The brightness of my Dr Jekyll often intensifies the despair of my Mr Hyde. I often wish I could be just one or the other.
If you read the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, you will see it gets to the point where the chemical cocktail did not work anymore and Dr Jekyll lost his ability to control Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde came out without notice, he remained in control for longer periods and Dr Jekyll could not put Hyde away when he wanted to. Hyde took over and wreaked havoc in Dr Jekyll's life.
CFS for me is that final phase. Hyde is in control and Dr Jekyll is heartbroken, trying desperately to find a way to make things right. Ironically, in the book suicide turned out to be the final solution.
So my dear friends I submit this question for your consideration : do you have a Dr J-Mr H experience? If so how do you navigate it?
I figured some of you might identify with my ruminations below...
I just read the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde book. To my surprise it seemed to me to be a rather simplistic piece of storytelling. But I recognized that it is a classic because it's based on an incredibly complex and timeless theme. The duality of human nature and what we choose to do with it.
I've long been aware of that duality, more so than most. All my life, its been so easy for people to connect to and accept my Dr Jekyll side. Who can resist the warm, charming, outgoing, incredibly bright version of me. I myself quite admire her and I'm comfortable in her skin.
But she's not the native Max. I created her a long time ago, because I needed to get away from who I was. Broken. Isolated. Incapable of fitting in because (as I was told) I had no inherent value.
It frustrates me that both sides of me are creations, one created by me, one created by people and circumstances outside of myself. I have a tough time determining which one God intended me to be.
It dawned on me a few years ago that my home is a perfect reflection of who I really am. Ordinary was not acceptable so in many ways it is beyond ordinary. And it couldn't be perfect, because I've never been perfect in fact have been frequently told that I am less than acceptable. So it had to have some wear to it, a few chips and dents and worn-in imperfections. And that had to be ok. My home is an incomplete mess not because I am lazy, or stupid but because subconsciously it is an expression of who I am inside. Unfinished, damaged, in some ways unsightly. If one cares enough to look closely the beauty is obvious but it needs a lot of tender loving care.
I know the people closest to me have difficulty accepting the concept of bipolar disorder. To them that means crazy, and crazy doesn't fit into the perfect little worlds that we like to create for ourselves. So they pull away and think if she would just try a little harder, stop making such illogical decisions, stop thinking so much (and lose a bit of weight) she would be just fine.
Truth is I've never been fine. Not ever, for as long as I can remember. I just hid it behind the drive and the accomplishments, the humor and the charm. But more and more I've had the desire to live true to who I am. So my home is a mess, my relationships are a mess, my finances are a mess.. because my head is a mess. And I could not run from it, it came through in perfectionism and continual frustration, easily provoked anger, in intolerance and arrogance, in fits of temper and temperamental rages.
It came through in crippling bouts of depression and the desire to take my own life that I have lived with for over 20 years. And it came through in CFS.
I feel like people have never been able to support me because they have never taken the time to truly know me. I know some have tried to reach out a hand to Dr Jekyll but they truly cannot fathom what to do with Mr Hyde. And my Jekyll side doesn't really need people, it is my Hyde side that has such a desperate desire to connect in a deep and meaningful way and the absolute inability to do so.
My Hyde never wanted to hurt anyone, never wanted to be unkind but she has been, inadvertently. She has alienated people, pushed them away or lost them even while she was trying desperately to save them. She can observe, rationally and analyze in excruciating detail the dynamics of human connection. She can even replicate some of the steps but deep down there is a huge void between caring about people and being able to truly connect to them. And the irony of mental illness is 'it is practically impossible to fight it alone'. So the thing I need most to help me through my journey, is the thing I am least able to tap into.
My Dr Jekyll is so filled with hope, with compassion, with joy, with big BIG dreams and such a huge desire to help people in meaningful ways. The brightness of my Dr Jekyll often intensifies the despair of my Mr Hyde. I often wish I could be just one or the other.
If you read the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, you will see it gets to the point where the chemical cocktail did not work anymore and Dr Jekyll lost his ability to control Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde came out without notice, he remained in control for longer periods and Dr Jekyll could not put Hyde away when he wanted to. Hyde took over and wreaked havoc in Dr Jekyll's life.
CFS for me is that final phase. Hyde is in control and Dr Jekyll is heartbroken, trying desperately to find a way to make things right. Ironically, in the book suicide turned out to be the final solution.
So my dear friends I submit this question for your consideration : do you have a Dr J-Mr H experience? If so how do you navigate it?
-
Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
Re Jekyll and Hyde... I have certainly had the irritability when mixed... If you think this is part of your family history though as opposed to bipolar disorder therapy can really help a lot... Big hug for you and a blessing...x
Glad you posted your thought-provoking observances.
I don't know that I lose my true essence as I bounce along my bipolar path. I can be more aggravated and out-of-sorts when I'm out of balance but I so far have not stopped caring for those around me.
How's your BP treatment going?