Hey guys. This is kinda gonna be a downer so if you don't want to read it, turn back now. I always try to focus on the positive or the possibility of the positive, but more and more in the last week or so I have been obsessed with the song--Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. It talks of how at first she fears death, but then in the end embraces her dark lover. I long to do that. Not that I will because I couldn't leave my family that way, but I soooo long to go on to Heaven where there is no pain--physical or emotionial. I hurt so bad in my back, hips, and my right knee. I get tired so easily. I am so heavy on my body that it is literally killing me. I do not have the motivation to lose the weight. I see the whole picture of me as hopeless. I am a fuck up as a mother, a financier, a person. But, now I am telling myself I must hang in and suffer forevermore until my natural death??? Have I lost my fuckin mind?
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