ooooohhhhhhhhh zaney...you r having a crappy time, it will pass...
and your no fuck up either...i wondered what was up...
glad your letting it out hun. im here if you want to talk
mandiexxxx

I think we need more cowbells for this song!

You are a star, me'lady! I will hear no different.

Ever.

Thanks guys. My pain is not OCD though. I do have anxiety and OCD, but the pain is within my physical body in my joints and it causes further emotional pain. I am tired of hurting. The song is just a vessel. It symbolizes my desire to die.

I hardly think that would solve all of my probs, but it would take care of a good portion of them.

I feel that way, too. I tried losing weight. I went to Curves for a year, changed how I ate and only lost 6lbs! I've given it up for now.

you are not a fuck up....God gave you a child with special needs because He knows you can handle it. Get motivated for your son. He is going to need his mom for a long time.

SIGH.

Babydoll--this is depression talking. Telling you what a screw-up you are...weight, money mangement, bad mom and physical pain and that these things can never change--WTF- you stole my list! Longing for release is normal. I have gone thru periods of this too & I am sorry you are hurting and longing for a better place.

I am going to stick my neck out here. I can only say the old saying depression is anger turned inward--(or it can be purely cyclic-but I will leave that up to you which this is). If you can reach down and find the anger--and let it go...this takes time, things can change if you desire it and work it out. This is only my experience...letting go of the self hate and loathing...is a long process that is by no means complete...and is helping me drop weight, be more accepting of my limits as a mom and find my inner muse...now if I could just manage my money better- I still suck at this! msg me if you want to know any more.

this doesn't mean I won't ever cycle...there are just so many components and depth to emotion & thinking...

((hugs)) & love,
sc

((hugs))

I'm sorry for what your going through....I really am....I Pray that God will hold You by the hand and help you along....and may you have Peace and comfort soon from the pain....Please be well.....You'll be in my Prayers.....Hugs Always.....

I too am sorry for what you're going through. It is the depression talking. You are not a fuck up. I saw that someone else said you have a special needs child. My son is 10 years old and has been diagnosed with early onset of BP. I know how strong you have to be to care for a child with health issues. You must be a very strong person.

If you could find some sort of exercise that you like, it would be much easier to lose weight. I have always had weight issues, but recently, I have started eating better and exercising to the Wii Fit. I really like the aerobics and yoga sections. I never thought I would like yoga or could do it, but I'm getting better and better at it. It's helped with my weight (I've lost 7 lbs. in 2 1/2 weeks) and with my depression and anxiety. Like you said, if you lost some weight, it would help a good portion of your problems. So, I really think the trick is finding something you enjoy doing, even if it's just taking a walk.

I also know about chronic pain. I've told you before that I've had to have three major surgeries on my back and that my lower lumbar is fused. I know how the pain can wear on you and cause depression and lack of motivation to exercise. But the exercising I've been doing for the past several months (walking and now the Wii Fit) has lessened my back pain. Just something to think about.

I think we've all been where you are right now. Good luck to you. I hope you pull through it soon. xo

:( ((((Hugs))))

my poor Zany.. love coming your way..

I am sorry that you are going through this. A friend of mine is going through the same thing with pain and motivation to exercise. She will be in a wheelchair soon

I have been reading some books by Elizabeth Kubler Ross on death and dying. She worked with children with terminal cancer and she used to hang out in emergency to be with kids who were near death after being in accidents etc.. She would interview them as they were dying. She is the authority on death and dying and came up with the model of the stages of dealing with death...denial, bargaining, angry, depression, acceptance. She strongly believes that each of us have lessons to learn in our life time so she is against euthanasia. She believes that our suffering has a divine purpose and that we have to go through it in order to be united with the divine in our afterlife otherwise we have another life where we deal with the same lesson until we learn it.

She believed this so strongly that she let her own mother suffer through a painful death even though her mom was asking to be put out of her misery

The book I got the most out of was called the Tunnel and the Light written close to the end of her life. It deals with death but I found it very comforting too knowing that there is a reason for suffering

Good luck

Thanks all of you guys for trying to make my day brighter. I so appreciate the suggestions and help from yall. Yall are oh so sweet!!