darkenedheart, you were not too mean at all. You ask what I have to give in return and I feel I would probably give more love and care than I could ever get from the other person - I have a lot to give.

Do I think it's unrealistic to want a person to love and care for me? Not at all. It may be more difficult to love a person who has a mental illness, but thousands of people do it every day.

You say you live with a man who loves you and cares for you, that without him you'd sink into despair. I feel the same way - I need a man living with me who loves and cares for me and without him I've sunk into despair.

SallyAnn - yes, meds play a major role in my life and I see my pdoc regularly. I can't afford therapy, but I'm sure it would help.
I know these things are important, my complaint is that even though I do everything for myself I am still missing a very important piece in my life. Meds and therapy can't substitute for having a person living with me who loves me and cares for me.

freethinkr70 - I know I need to continue battling this disease, I really have no choice in that.
I know I have the power to make my life better or worse. I've always known that.
And I already love myself so that isn't something I need to work towards.
The problem is that even tho I can improve my life in many small ways, what I can't seem to do is find the love I need.. Being loved and cared for would change my whole life.

In short - I will continue to ask the universe for what I need, and most likely will continue to wonder why I have to go without love when so many millions of women have live in partners. Am I forced to live alone just because I'm mentally ill? So many mentally ill people have loving supportive partners... why is it too much for me to expect the same?

hoping to difine your self by the affection of someone else is not healthy in may opinion . i not say it wouldnt be a huge help but at the same time i think you need to find the resolve inside you to get throught each day learn to look at things differently the promblem with this is it is hard to do but i hope you dont spend your life looking for someone and look back and relieze the time you missed out on because of what you cared about the saying is live in the moment not trying to down grade your condtion but i think looking for happness in your self will give you a better chance to find someone

Yes, where am I going to find this guy - excellent question.
I've tried the bars (don't even drink), and churches (even tho I don't believe in religion), online dating sites etc etc.

In the past two years I have met dozens of guys. None of them wanted to take care of me but they all wanted sex with me. So I got lots of sex and nothing else. So the sex doesn't seem so important. It would be great to have sex with someone who loved me but that hasn't happened in years.

But back to the point - where to look. The truth is there are only so many places a person CAN look, and I continue to look online, having given up on bars and churches. I met my ex online and we lived together for quite a while. In some way he took good care of me. So I know it can happen.

It's just the going through all the years of doing without that's killing me. It hurts not knowing when this nightmare will end. I need love and care. I deserve love and care. The universe knows this. So why am I still waiting?

The trouble is, as I have mentioned, there are far more women wanting to be loved and cared for than there are men willing to do the loving and caring. They are a scarce resource.

And as you mentioned, Las Vegas is synonymous with meaningless casual sex, mostly paid for in cash. Not a good dating pool to be fishing in for a long term loving caring relationship.

Are you planning on living the rest of your life there, or do you have an escape plan to somewhere more likely to find the kind of man you are looking for?

Its good that you continue to search online, but I would suggest more carefully screening for what their long term goals are before jumping into bed.