More than likely. I feel the same way, even though I have a family. No one can give us what we need. Especially when I don't even know what I need, Some times I thing getting a lobotomy is the answer.

a lobotomy sounds nice...then it doesn't matter who takes care of me.

Right!

Have you ever tried partial hospitalization or a mental health day program. Programs like this can help teach you skills that will help you feel better. Feel free to message me. Also check out www.nami.org

I had one of those "lightbulb moments" in therapy one time, when one of my favorite therapists told me, that the basic reason for therapy, is to identify places where in your upbringing, things went significantly wrong, including the absence, or neglect of things, that kids generally need in order to grow up successfully. And then, to replace those erroneous "tapes in our heads" with healthy ones. I think of it a lot like getting a filling at the dentist.

In other words, we need to become our own caregiver to the best of our capability. It can take a while to find a good "fit" for a therapist who you can trust well and feel comfortable with. If you're interested in trying that out, if you haven't yet, you can read my journal entry about it to get you started if you want to:

http://www.dailystrength.org/people/1869/journal/2079891

I notice, you want someone to be a caregiver, but you don't like yourself
- I honestly thought I did like myself but I see I don't give off that impression, this makes me really sad

Why don't I just try and start doing better - I feel really weak and like a complete failure for not being able to do something so simple

meds will not change my thinking, I have to think and do different -- I have to quit putting hope in meds - it's not the right or wrong meds, it's just me that's flawed

while i agree with starfish and gina...some of us are not able to rewrite those tapes. i have been in therapy on and off for 30 years, and the tapes are indelible. i know what to do, but i can't make it work long term. some of us are just too damaged.

drugs can only do so much, and sometimes that is damned little, and they often have side effects that make things worse. but, unfortunately we cannot change what we are and how we are made.

i could use a caregiver, hell, i could just use somebody who cared and wanted to live with me. but, all i have is me, and it just ain't enough.

The mind is so complex and baffling sometimes....and even the people with the highest IQs, relatively speaking, know next to nothing. (and perhaps, just enough to be dangerous!!)

I have found that I need both meds (for my brain chemistry) and therapy (to help me learn to cope with the brain chemistry problems as well as the abuse that complicated matters too)

I think we need to be our own caregivers, unfortunately. I think if you can be your own caregiver the chances will increase that you can find someone to be your partner.

Wanting someone to be your caregiver is a lot to lay on a person. I hate to say it, but I think you need to look past that or you will be more lonely. Even if your illness is really bad. You have to put that in the hands of professionals, not a lover. That's too overwhelming.

Unfortunately I think we walk a pretty lonely road.

Sorry I can't be more upbeat.

I think you're right zsa, we do walk a lonely road, being my own caregiver is the loneliest thing I can think of. But it's reality.

"What I need is someone who loves me living with me and taking care of me. I'm sick. I need a caregiver"

I agree wit the others that what you and longing for is a big ask of anyone.

I don't think anyone in their right mind would willingly sign up to love and live with and care for a seriously mentally ill person without getting anything back in return.

What will you offer this mystery caregiver in return to compensate for all they need to give to you?

Heretic, I hope you don't think what I said was too mean, I was just trying to point out that what a lot of us long for is so unrealistic.

You sound like you are longing for a mother's love, someone to totally take care of all your needs whilst expecting nothing in return. I hear a lonely sad child in your words.

The sad thing is that so many of us want this and none of us get it.

Most men want their women to take care of them, and are not interested and.of not able to take care of us emotionally like we need.

I am very lucky that I live with a man who loves me and cares for me. But I cannot burden him with my feelings as it overwhelms and stresses him. If I am upset, I need to find someone else to talk it through with or sit with it by myself until I feel better. I feel so alone and isolated and misunderstood.

Still I feel very lucky to have him as he is a good friend and I have been as lonely as you, and done things that I regret due to that loneliness. I know that without him I would sink into despair and depression. I have been there before. So I do understand.

Please stop beating yourself up. You can't afford that luxury. You are treading water and going nowhere down that path. Please look at your good qualities. You said in another post you have compassion, what will you do to express that compassion in the world in a positive way? What other good qualities do you have?

Okay hun for one meds are a major role in this, but we, ourselves have a big role to play too. Meds aren't the 100% cure/answer. We also have to work hard at the coping skills, do what we need to do to make it thru the day. Therapy is a must for me and many others. In therapy I have learned ways to help me "deal" with things and to help me to feel better about myself. There are other ways to do this too. Lot's of places to check out. One thing I do love and miss greatly is group therapy. we don't have it where I live and I can't afford to drive the 30 miles one way for the groups. Good luck and if I can help at all, message me. HUGS

It took me so long to discover that I could change things and make things better in my life, that in fact it was entirely up to me to do so. Since figuring this out I have had a much better life. I'm still very lonely, but I deal with the issues that used to screw me over since I had refused to confront them head on for so many years. Nothing in my life is perfect, but I am able to work and fight my way past the negative things that once baffled me. It is not too late for you or anybody to fully realize that it is up to you to make your life better. It takes time, but if you start battling right now then you will be that much closer to loving yourself and knowing yourself well enough that this rotten disease can't frak you over as badly as it is now.

Start fighting right now. It will take time, but you won't be sorry.

Don't hesitate.