Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I've been without sleep. Maybe that's why my insanity is flaring up.
There is a very large disconnect, or gap, in logical understanding, and MY version of logical understanding. Sometimes the disconnect isn't so obvious and I'm perfectly sociable, other times it is very apparent to me.
Here are some examples. Like...
People and events are with very few exceptions, explainable by mathematical sequences. This is my bipolar/BPD thinking. It's present in my personality at least 50% of the time, to some degree. But I explained that already.
One example would be (I guess) the show Extreme Couponers. They get some kind of rush or "high" if you wanna call it that, from keeping their balance as close to $0.00 as possible.
I don't get it because the absolute lowest is zero? And it's easy to keep it that way. Don't buy shit. Like. Congratulations, you got tons of shit and your balance was nearly $0.00, you knew it would be.
If your goal is "As close to ___ as possible", the outcome is predictable. It's like the bell curve of college test scores, where you have a few 100s, a couple of 50s or 60s, then the average 70-90 scores.
You might. You technically can, but in all likelihood will not achieve the goal exactly as planned. On the off chance, you'll fail entirely.
It's predictable you know what I mean?
Same with people conversing with me when I'm feeling all bpd/beeper-y.
I come across extremely harsh and judgmental but like... I hold myself to that standard of "absolute zero", like, gutter scum. My black-and-white thinking that allows me to enjoy vanity and pride, without "strings attached". I can have this split thinking, but not really panic about it. I don't do it on purpose. In fact, I actually don't know how to stop.
But like in one conversation with my family I was rattling on about my disconnection, how I get extremely angry and frustrated with people for what I perceive as disgusting antipathy, after I'd mentioned how my empathy splits into a dichotomy of not feeling bad about things I should feel bad about, and experiencing great, vast sadness about things, and then
My aunt and mum were all like, "But you just said your empathy has limits and isn't what it should be! It's a two-way street!"
HERE'S THE KICKER. HERE'S THE THING I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, AT ALL, HONESTLY.
I never said I was a great example. I'm that absolute zero standard, the worst of the worst, a piece of shit. I regard myself that way, so anything negative that anyone thinks about me is either equal to or lesser than the negative beliefs I hold about myself.
In this state I cannot be phased, or hurt by other people, or their opinions of me. It's just "meh". "You cannot do anything to me that I have not already done to myself" (MSI reference lol) Unless somebody can throw me off-guard, which doesn't happen very frequently.
Here's the part I don't get. I know I'm a piece of shit and I have extreme hatred and anger towards myself. So why can't I judge other people? Why do I have to be a saint?
I gave up on the pipe dream of being some intelligent, wise, great teacher a long time ago. My abusive ex taught me, and taught me very well, that I have nothing to teach anyone, that it's I who needs to shut up and not spread my toxin as enlightened dogma.
So I don't. I still spread it. I still express it. The difference is that I don't try to tell people it's some higher-thought whatever, because it's all just a fallacy. I make no promises. But people still treat me as if I'm hypocritical and conceited???????????? I don't understand.
Anyways. I say this without emotion. It sounds very blunt, but it doesn't make me feel.
So don't worry about me. I'm perfectly okay. Just musing.
The second thing would be that I still sound like a teenager going through an emo phase, but I'm moving forward with my life, slowly but surely. I'm perfecting the art of going to school, getting shit done, come hell or high water. I'm realizing that I can carry on like a responsible adult while having a very dark, contradictory, dysfunctional mind.
Maybe not well, but damnit, I'm trying.
I don't need to "get over it" because I still go to school and do shit with all this going on. I can't do everything an abled adult can do, but I'm slowly working towards it, because I don't think Medicaid/SSI's going to happen at this point.
There is a very large disconnect, or gap, in logical understanding, and MY version of logical understanding. Sometimes the disconnect isn't so obvious and I'm perfectly sociable, other times it is very apparent to me.
Here are some examples. Like...
People and events are with very few exceptions, explainable by mathematical sequences. This is my bipolar/BPD thinking. It's present in my personality at least 50% of the time, to some degree. But I explained that already.
One example would be (I guess) the show Extreme Couponers. They get some kind of rush or "high" if you wanna call it that, from keeping their balance as close to $0.00 as possible.
I don't get it because the absolute lowest is zero? And it's easy to keep it that way. Don't buy shit. Like. Congratulations, you got tons of shit and your balance was nearly $0.00, you knew it would be.
If your goal is "As close to ___ as possible", the outcome is predictable. It's like the bell curve of college test scores, where you have a few 100s, a couple of 50s or 60s, then the average 70-90 scores.
You might. You technically can, but in all likelihood will not achieve the goal exactly as planned. On the off chance, you'll fail entirely.
It's predictable you know what I mean?
Same with people conversing with me when I'm feeling all bpd/beeper-y.
I come across extremely harsh and judgmental but like... I hold myself to that standard of "absolute zero", like, gutter scum. My black-and-white thinking that allows me to enjoy vanity and pride, without "strings attached". I can have this split thinking, but not really panic about it. I don't do it on purpose. In fact, I actually don't know how to stop.
But like in one conversation with my family I was rattling on about my disconnection, how I get extremely angry and frustrated with people for what I perceive as disgusting antipathy, after I'd mentioned how my empathy splits into a dichotomy of not feeling bad about things I should feel bad about, and experiencing great, vast sadness about things, and then
My aunt and mum were all like, "But you just said your empathy has limits and isn't what it should be! It's a two-way street!"
HERE'S THE KICKER. HERE'S THE THING I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, AT ALL, HONESTLY.
I never said I was a great example. I'm that absolute zero standard, the worst of the worst, a piece of shit. I regard myself that way, so anything negative that anyone thinks about me is either equal to or lesser than the negative beliefs I hold about myself.
In this state I cannot be phased, or hurt by other people, or their opinions of me. It's just "meh". "You cannot do anything to me that I have not already done to myself" (MSI reference lol) Unless somebody can throw me off-guard, which doesn't happen very frequently.
Here's the part I don't get. I know I'm a piece of shit and I have extreme hatred and anger towards myself. So why can't I judge other people? Why do I have to be a saint?
I gave up on the pipe dream of being some intelligent, wise, great teacher a long time ago. My abusive ex taught me, and taught me very well, that I have nothing to teach anyone, that it's I who needs to shut up and not spread my toxin as enlightened dogma.
So I don't. I still spread it. I still express it. The difference is that I don't try to tell people it's some higher-thought whatever, because it's all just a fallacy. I make no promises. But people still treat me as if I'm hypocritical and conceited???????????? I don't understand.
Anyways. I say this without emotion. It sounds very blunt, but it doesn't make me feel.
So don't worry about me. I'm perfectly okay. Just musing.
The second thing would be that I still sound like a teenager going through an emo phase, but I'm moving forward with my life, slowly but surely. I'm perfecting the art of going to school, getting shit done, come hell or high water. I'm realizing that I can carry on like a responsible adult while having a very dark, contradictory, dysfunctional mind.
Maybe not well, but damnit, I'm trying.
I don't need to "get over it" because I still go to school and do shit with all this going on. I can't do everything an abled adult can do, but I'm slowly working towards it, because I don't think Medicaid/SSI's going to happen at this point.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Just maybe you're wrong Voltaire... I think you are an extremely bright and lovely young lady that's hurting terribly... There's good therapy for BPD and it can really turn things around for you
I know that you have a lot to offer this world V... You just need some help like a lot of us do...xo
Jan- Thank you. Hopefully I get said therapy soon, Idk.
You said you've long given up, but why let an a-hole decide the course of your life? Is he still that powerful to you? If he's isn't you should still have your dream.
Stop kicking yourself in the ass so hard .it's bad enough the world does that to us everyday. Give yourself a break! Your going to school! Fuck I can't even work. Your a damned inspiration to a lot of folks here.
Your are an intelligent, wise and great teacher right here and now and if you can deal with this lot, you can deal with all the bullshit out in the world and there's a lot of it
I find there is a little crack in the door which we call sanity sometimes I can make myself slimmer (something that I've been working on since Methuzela (sp?) walked the earth) and once in awhile slide on In there for a short time and then get kicked out just when I started to have fun.
Being a hypocrite that's par for the course with beepers do what I say but not as I do kinda thing You make ppl use their brains. I must admit have to read your posts twice just to get in to the groove and that's not easy thing to do to with me, I'm bloody brilliant LOLOL
Get a lawyer to get assistance. I had to get one to get SSI/MEDICARE and I just found out I maybe able to get my student loan dismissed due to my illness. I just need to prove I'm a looney which I'll have no problem doing my doc's can vouch for that!
Maybe they can help you with your loans even as a student if you need help
I've been paying on that shit since 2001 and it doesn't look like it's going anywhere soon. They told me one will be paid off in 2020 do you believe that shit?
Your ex sounds like my dad. He used the same psychological warfare on me. His ghost still haunts me to this day and the man has been dead since 1986. My life has been put on hold by a dead man .
Oh, and by the way, your bluntness is what makes you charming.
This is a new tablet so any misspelling or weird sentences I blame on the tablet and the tablet only. lol
I need to get more s**t done, too!