Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I spent all day in a dream-like state. Nothing was real. I'd taste food, but I wouldn't feel myself chewing. I'd shower and hear the water, but never felt wet. I do this from time to time and it's a horrible feeling. The longer it goes on, the more disturbed I become.
I used to cut. I've regretted it because now I'm self-concious about the scars on my arms that have been there for years. Yesterday I got so distraught and desperate just to feel something REAL. And I cut myself. I'm so fucking ashamed today, and angry at myself. NO, IT WAS NOT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. Although I've been depressed, and I've mentioned before that July is not a good month for me, yesterday was hell.
And the cut did not help like it used to. Today I feel a little more "here" than somewhere else, but now I'm just pissed at myself and ashamed that I did that. I tried DBT skills, I tried crying, shit. I even tried having an orgasm to fucking feel something. Cutting is something I want to stay away from. And I've been very sucessful for a good two or maybe even three years. I just look at those fucking scars and get disgusted.
But at least I'd realized that after a pause and reflection this morning that every time I've cut, I've been in a depersonalized, depressed state. I'm in therapy, I'm doing DBT (my new found religion, as I joke when I tell close friends), I'm doing all these things and everyone close to me (not many, but still), all of them have commented on how much of a change they've seen in my (mental) health during the past year.
I don't want to backslide. I've also realized I'm a perfectionist, and it stems from the way I was raised. I feel like I've failed. And I'm fucking angry with myself. My therapist said I'd take a few steps back from time to time, and that's normal for recovery from PTSD. The bipolar disorder all I can do is take my meds, talk it out, ect ect.
I'm having a bit of a slump (which is understated), but I haven't just "oops", I've fucking failed, and that is unacceptable.
I have a friend coming over today. She's spending the day with me. She has no idea about yesterday, or last night. Which, I will admit: I contemplated suicide, but wrote no note, had no plan, so I'm ok. I'm just so thankful that she's coming today. And good timing, too. (I guess).
I don't need to be alone today, and it just kind of worked out. And don't worry I'll be around for a while. No suicide.
But I fucking failed, and for me failure has never been, is not, and will never be an option.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Beating yourself up will only hold you back and make today harder for you.... How would you handle it if someone else put up this post??.... You would encourage them and let them off the hook I have no doubt.... We can often be terrible friends to ourselves and the harshest critic..... Treat you gently sweetie..... You deserve a break.
I'm glad that your friend is coming over today..... big hug......xo
I can only echo what has been said I think many o f us have been in cutting hell and have emerged at times only to slump back and get out again. " compassion for others compassion for self" .....forgive yourself we are all learning how to walk in the middle ground...some days are easier than others:)
You are a lot more than any one label (e.g. perfectionist) can describe... beeper, cutter, sufferer, friendly, open, companionable, a fellow traveller etc etc etc. I like the whole package and appreciate having such a forthright and genuine friend. You are also someone trying to grow and I respect that a lot and think it accords you great deal of dignity. All the very best getting more coping skills practice. At the moment I am currently practising catching myself making thinking errors ( CBT cognitive disorders from David Burns M.D.) so I have labelling on the brain as they say.
I am not qualified to comment really about anything else other than that it's a red flag that is recommended by pretty much everyone to seek immediate help from at least your t-doc with, and have you been taking your meds regularly and on time... [I still forget some days]? But you know this stuff! I'll stop rambling. Take care and I hope you have a nice day with your pal :-)
I opened up to my friend today. She didn't judge, jump to conclusions, whatever. (She never does). She told me to call her if it happens again. Which, I always have issues reaching out. Shit, I didn't reach out for therapy until last years, so there's that. But I'll try to get better about it.
I've been trying to get better with not beating myself up so much, or be ashamed of whatever million things I'm ashamed of, but know damn well I shouldn't be. I'm trying. Because I'm sick of it.
Again, huge thank you to everyone.
You just found a little bit of treasure (i.e. someone to treasure) to help you along from my standpoint... a hand up from the floor when you feel yourself slipping.
Keep us posted and all the very best. Take care.