Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I posted this in another group but I think it fits here as well:
I love my father more than I could even explain. Even through all the extensive emotional and semi-physical abuse through the years, he means the world to me. I desperately look for his approval. I try so hard to be perfect for him. To be thin for him, to be smart for him, to be everything he wants me to be...
And now I have to tell him that I am a lesbian.
I spoke with him on the phone today, updating him about my progress in life and my weight loss. It's rare he ever answers his phone so I was very excited. While we were talking I looked over at a book I got yesterday; Amiee & Jaguar by Erica Fischer. It is a true story about two lesbians in Berlin, 1943.
Looking at the book made my hear ache. I wanted so badly to tell him but I just didn't feel brave enough. Or nearly strong enough for his reaction.
It pains me so much to have failed him again in my life... But I want him to understand who I am as a person.
I am not just an over-weight, bi-polar, anxiety ridden- problem child. Oh yeah, LESBIAN.
He can't see past those things it seems. He can't see that I am a real live person. That I AM his DAUGHTER. That I have interests and hopes and dreams...
But now, once I tell him... I will just be the fucked up lesbian daughter.
And it kills me.
I love my father more than I could even explain. Even through all the extensive emotional and semi-physical abuse through the years, he means the world to me. I desperately look for his approval. I try so hard to be perfect for him. To be thin for him, to be smart for him, to be everything he wants me to be...
And now I have to tell him that I am a lesbian.
I spoke with him on the phone today, updating him about my progress in life and my weight loss. It's rare he ever answers his phone so I was very excited. While we were talking I looked over at a book I got yesterday; Amiee & Jaguar by Erica Fischer. It is a true story about two lesbians in Berlin, 1943.
Looking at the book made my hear ache. I wanted so badly to tell him but I just didn't feel brave enough. Or nearly strong enough for his reaction.
It pains me so much to have failed him again in my life... But I want him to understand who I am as a person.
I am not just an over-weight, bi-polar, anxiety ridden- problem child. Oh yeah, LESBIAN.
He can't see past those things it seems. He can't see that I am a real live person. That I AM his DAUGHTER. That I have interests and hopes and dreams...
But now, once I tell him... I will just be the fucked up lesbian daughter.
And it kills me.
I think alot of emotional fear that we experience and our inability to communicate can be a product of bipolar disorder. I understand your fear shlay and I admire you for at least wanting to share with him. Take your time and think it through. Wait for the right time to talk and practice how you will approach it. Try not to dwell on it. You might even try practicing it with someone to see how you feel....xo
Someones: Thank you so much for standing to my defense, that really means a lot to me. Also, thank you for sharing your story with me. It gave me hope.
Fruitbatty: I think you have the right idea. After I am settled and have a better sense of self, that is when I should tell my father.
Shelly: You are right about the practicing. I called my cousin, someone I've looked up to my whole life, and told her. She is my dads twins daughter. She couldn't have been more happy for me to come to her. We ended up talking for nearly an hour and I am now invited to her grad party in June. She's even going to pay for my bus ticket. I am now connecting with family I thought I never had had in the first place. I no longer feel like the lone wolf. She told me she was proud of me even.
Today has been hard. But I have reached out and spoken to many kind people. They pulled me through it and I see the light again.
Thank you all for your post of support. Even if you don't think it belongs here.
And back off Suffer. . .Drinking? I would gladly take a breathalizer for your butt. . .noone ever said you werent entiteled to your opinion but you sure as shit said this girl wasn't entitled to hers. . .
- maybe the healthy thing (imho) is to detach some, anywau..part of the maturation process..putting parent on pedestal to this degree sounds not particularly emotionally healthy or adult
- it is so very normal to have areas of difference with one's parents - same old story keeps repeating, actually.
- maybe worry about your own sense of self...stop taking on daddy's view (or what you divine his judgement to be)!
- sounds like you've internalised stigma..your dad's worldview ..a ripe candidate for therapy therefore!
Good Luck.
Think your extreme attachment you write about is likely (again, just imho) a by product of this 'abuse' you report. Really hope you get help to work way through it.