Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
In this chaotic world it is hard to find solace in anything anymore. Hard to find that little escape from the every day hell. In my own personal life, it seems nearly impossible to find that escape. I take my pills. I smoke my unfiltered camels. But it doesnt seem like enough. There is this everlasting void within myself that Ive been looking for years to fill. I looked for it in drugs. I looked for it in running away to different states. I looked for it in lovers. But I am the problem. The chaos I am running from in within my own soul.
I always want to blame everyone else. Say the world is fucked and I am the only sane one. I know this is untruth, but I find comfort in the idea that I will, one day, find others like me. The sane ones. The people who dont thrive on the drama. The drugs. The drinking. The abuse.
But its in my life. Ive been looking for years for an escape from it. I know that nothing is going to change until I get out of here. Until I can work on myself. And now that I am at the point where I am almost out, Im questioning the world in its entirety. Will I ever find peace? My logical mind says yes. My heart hopes with all its might. My soul wonders away with dreams of a life Ive never known.
But my bi-polar mind? That is a different story all together. My bi-polar mind says no. My bi-polar heart feels profound sadness. My bi-polar soul is broken and torn. The whole other person within myself feels dead and hopeless. Now, on the flip-side, the manic part of me feels like I can tackle all of it all at once.
Back to my logical mind. That is full of fear. Fear of the fact that I dont know if will ever know the difference between true success and happiness, and the manic side.
I guess, until Im done with my transition out of an unhealthy house hold and working on my personal demons, I will never know. Ill never know who is right, who is wrong and when to just let things go. I want to fix my little world. Make it happy and right.
And frankly, all of this scares the shit out of me.
Right now I feel hopeless. I fear that Ill never get out of the constant drama and sideways emotional abuse.
All I ever wanted was to be happy And I have no clue, once Im on my own, if I will be able to obtain that happiness for myself.
Sorry for the rant, but theses feeling just needed to flow from my brain, out of my finger tips and on to this blank work document.
I always want to blame everyone else. Say the world is fucked and I am the only sane one. I know this is untruth, but I find comfort in the idea that I will, one day, find others like me. The sane ones. The people who dont thrive on the drama. The drugs. The drinking. The abuse.
But its in my life. Ive been looking for years for an escape from it. I know that nothing is going to change until I get out of here. Until I can work on myself. And now that I am at the point where I am almost out, Im questioning the world in its entirety. Will I ever find peace? My logical mind says yes. My heart hopes with all its might. My soul wonders away with dreams of a life Ive never known.
But my bi-polar mind? That is a different story all together. My bi-polar mind says no. My bi-polar heart feels profound sadness. My bi-polar soul is broken and torn. The whole other person within myself feels dead and hopeless. Now, on the flip-side, the manic part of me feels like I can tackle all of it all at once.
Back to my logical mind. That is full of fear. Fear of the fact that I dont know if will ever know the difference between true success and happiness, and the manic side.
I guess, until Im done with my transition out of an unhealthy house hold and working on my personal demons, I will never know. Ill never know who is right, who is wrong and when to just let things go. I want to fix my little world. Make it happy and right.
And frankly, all of this scares the shit out of me.
Right now I feel hopeless. I fear that Ill never get out of the constant drama and sideways emotional abuse.
All I ever wanted was to be happy And I have no clue, once Im on my own, if I will be able to obtain that happiness for myself.
Sorry for the rant, but theses feeling just needed to flow from my brain, out of my finger tips and on to this blank work document.
Good luck
(( hug ))
That doesn't mean we can't find peace or happiness. Those things are relative and not specific. Our moods aren't the most important part of us. We have to deal with them but if we look there's something to smile and be glad about.
"I relate to your feeling of emptiness. I've experience that most of my life and I think it's due to not trusting anyone and not having real passion for anything or anyone."
I have real passion but it only lasts for so long and I don't trust anyone, really. I've had too many broken promises or bad things happen from trusting people. There seems to be no point to it anymore. Why throw myself out there just to be broken again?
I also find alot of purpose through my faith. Having something to believe in that brings me peace.
Dont give up, you will get there....look within for the answers, not externally. xo
If someone tries to get you to take Camprol or Antabuse, please don't. This is a medication which makes anyone taking it get violently ill if they drink any alcohol. This sounds great until you realize that the compulsion to drink is stronger than our rational thought. People will end up drinking and getting violently ill anyway. This is just my opinion but it's based on personal experience.
I sure hope that things will improve. You're at an age that is one of the most difficult times in your life regardless whether you're a beeper or not. You've trying to be independent while being sucked back into old comfortable positions. Don't let anyone tell you that your problems are all in your head. Better yet, get a big can of wasp spray and teach them what real hell is all about. LOL
But on your other comments; I don't really drink or "party." In reality, I'm kinda a homebody. I've shut down from all of my old friends already because I know this is a journey I must take alone. Let me tell you, it is crazy lonely. I am going to meet some new people this weekend through meetup.com and I am scared out of my mind because I don't know if it is the right thing to do yet. All I know is that I need to get out of the damn house.
Again on the drinking; I give massive kudos to myself for not drinking like a fish right now, seeing as I just turned 21. Other than my birthday, I've had one drink. The day after my b-day was enough to make me not want to get drunk for a very long time. Drinking + Meds = pure hell the next day. I never thought I'd freak out that bad. I almost called the hospital to come pick me up. In the end I slept it off... But woah. Never again. Lol.
I wish I could tell you there was a magic moment that it all clicked. There really isnt. It is more about finding our independence and trusting ourselves. Realizing that we are worthy of "being ourselves".
I admire you so much for seeking the answers now. I didnt have the courage to do it at your age. I was so terrified that I just could not take those first steps. You are ahead of the game sweetie and you are doing an amazing job. Crying is absolutely okay because it helps to purge the emotion that drives the pain. Once you take the steps to find the "healthy" ways to just be "you" and find the things that embrace your compassion, and trust yourself, you will realize it, you will feel it. It will be like second nature to you and feel natural.
xo
hugs
andrea