I know I have slowly deteriorated over my entire lifetime to the point where I am now. Especially since my son died. He nearly took me over the edge with him. But that is not the only reason.
Yeah, I just can't deal with the "real world" anymore.
I would like to be able to work, but where can I find a job where it's quiet, I don't have to deal with people, and my boss is nice and understanding to me????
I WANT to be able to work, and sometimes I feel like I could, but those moments are far and few between.
It takes a lot out of me just to get the floor swept and mopped. I have to stop and rest several times.

I have the job starfish is describing and frankly, 10 hours a week is my limit. I can't balance it all anymore. It gets to stressful. My stress tolerance threshold is greatly diminished by this illness. Between working, the house, groceries, friends, honestly, it's hard for me to balance my life.

I can do like 1 "big" thing a day -- that could be a tdoc appt. I remember the day when..... but those days are gone and this IS my life now. Sad, but true.

So, I do the best I can with what I have and make the most of it. I figure that people are really the most important thing in the world anyway and I'm grateful to have good people in my life.

I have the job starfish is describing.
And, I've been in this dysfunctional state before, and it magically changed into a functional state. But I was younger, with no kids...

I really feel like it's got to be the attitude, or a serious personality issue. I have the energy to be on this board, after all. A year and a half ago, I couldn't work, but that didn't stop me from doing all the research on lactation, and to track down people and treatments etc. that could help me. All while depressed. A serious mixed episode, I guess.

I had live-in help for six months. She helped with cooking and cleaning and taking care of my daughter. When she left, I was certain that I cannot handle it all, but I had to take over, so I did. Many times at work I felt that if my boss dangled a threat over my head, that I would find it in me to get my rear in gear. Now I'm not sure about it.

I can't focus at this point to work because my sensitivity is to high, and I will not deal with a boss who is not gentle. But, I write and occupy myself with other things. Even fun things like writing, take tons of energy out of me. Your problem is not just with you. Other people also have similar or the same problems. I hope this helps

I know what you all mean. Sometimes I feel so useless because I get that wonderful burst of energy (aka hypomania) that can last for an hour or a couple of days. Then it's gone and I can't get off the couch.
The bad part is because no one else gets it because they can't 'see' anything wrong with you. They think you make it up because you're lazy. It's not that I don't want to work, it's that the flexible kind of job we need is rare.

very rare. I wish there were more employers out there who cared about their empolyees But, I know that I can't change that and it's just my mania talking :P

sooo...MHA and cb72, are you saying I should be working then?

I have to admit, I was very blessed because I got SSD. However, I go up for review in December of this year (I think) and no way of knowing how that will turn out.

Frankly, starfish, I think you should be working for your own mental health. How can it be helpful to stay at home all day? Get out and see the people every day. I've found that my life is not any easier when I have less to do. Stress is bad, but if you're working to get yourself out of the house, and don't really care, why stress?

I know it's advice hard to follow... Just my opinion...

Starfish, I think you are the only one who can really determine if you are able to work or not. You may want to talk to your tdoc about it or your pdoc, which ever.

Let me give you an example. I got woke up at 10:00AM today, with a phone call from the Dr.s office. I went to bed last night at 2:00AM, and cried for at least an hour before I went to sleep as I was grieving that night.
I have told the dr.s office to please put on my chart not to call me before 12:00 PM because I go to bed late. After being notified that my Cymbalta samples were ready, I spent the next hour or so wrestling with my suicidal thoughts again. ANd came to realize, it was not just from my depression, but was another one of my alter personalities. I named him SAM, after suicide monster, and found out SAM likes ice cream. So mentally giving SAM ice cream settled him down.

Then, this evening, I got a call from one of my friends from Bible study - she wanted to take me there, and I couldn't do it.

Also, Monday, some friends came and took me out for an hour or two, went to dinner. I came home and fell over and slept for two hours.

I not only have BP. I have other problems as well. ANd as you have been pointing out to others, you need to be careful about judging.

I never have been able to keep a job more than 6 or 7 months my entire life. Even when I felt "healthy"

Fine. I'll go to work then. But only if I can take a gun so I can go in the bathroom and relieve my stress when I need to.

See, nobody's even replying to this message anymore. That about says it.

I know about judging, I wasn't judging, just stating what's going on in my head right now, and that could be relevant to you...

What you describe, starfish, is not controlled depression. If you're living every day like that, your doctor sucks. Or your therapist. I don't have it THAT bad. I don't see why I shouldn't be able to work. I still show up at work every day. I just don't do the work cause I don't feel like it. Nothing I can control. My new doc says that's a symptom of depression.