So about this time last year I had troubles with a girlfriend and it turned into a bad breakup, I ended up here and on the verge of doing a lot of bad things. By some chance, blessed or damned, I ended up back with her this last winter. And now the same thing is happening, and rather suddenly too. It was like one week we were fine, she got really sick then once she got somewhat over it we were in the dumps. She said that it was because of my mood swings, that she doesn't want to have to think about them or worry about me. And partially that she is a selfish person, not wanting to take the time out to try and have a healthy relationship.

Thing is I would have dumped her for the shit that she has put me through, but I can't....

I've never loved someone as much, I would literally do anything to have a relationship with her, even though it leads me to keep feeling like this. I went through two other people between our first time and now, and neither person felt to me as she did, and never stopped. So I'm headed down the same path towards depression, last time I almost killed myself, and in a way after I was over it I didn't give a damn. I went heavy into partying, drinking, and some drugs. A whole summer that was every night for me. I don't want to go down that road again this year, in fact if this falls through I might just give up and join the military. Not for the honor or anything else that comes with it but rather that I can be that much closer to death, that I have that chance of getting killed. I could stop caring knowing that I could die at any minute. Last night I thought about what would happen to me if I were to speed my truck up to top speed and run it off the road into a large tree, if that would be enough to do the job. And I almost did it....

I need help, I want it to be her, I need it to be her. But I don't know if it will be.