My mood has been low of late. I have gone back on mood stabilisers, and although my mood has improved a little, I'm still feeling low with little motivation to do anything during the day. I was to start a course full time this year that I have been waiting to do for months, but after enrolling and seeing the amount of hours I would have to put in, having to be at 3 different campuses, and with little confidence this would help me land a job at the conclusion of the course, I have dropped the class.

Once again, I feel like a failure, unable to commit to what plans I had for myself. I have decided to look for work in the print and packaging industry. I applied for a few jobs over the net last week and I have an interview on Thursday to go to, but I don't know if I will be able to hold the job down even if I get it. I want to look forward to it, but I have been here time and time only to lose the job to illness.

Although my psychotic side of my illness has settled, the depression I suffer is overwhelming. Not knowing what to do with myself during the day, leaving me to stay in bed only for things to start going round in my mind all night long when I am unable to sleep. I'm at my parents at the moment, where I will be staying for a couple of days for I was in a bad way again at the start of the week, due to me dropping out of the class. My parents have done all they can to try and support me, yet I still feel at a loss, still ringing lifeline on a regular basis. It just feels like no one can help when I feel this way, and I wish I knew how to break out of it.

I never do this, but I got so desperate I rang a psychic. She told me there was a job that was there for me, but my negativity is stopping me to go for it. She encourage me to apply for jobs and to get a tigers eye, which is a gem stone aimed at spiritual healing. She believes I will be happy in the new role and that I had gone up a level in my life. I'm not sure what she meant by that, maybe just the fact I'm turning 40 this year has something to do with it.

I guess I just have to try and go for it, and see what happens, I have no other choice really. I have signed up with an employment agency to look for work just in case this interview doesn't pan out. But I am qualified for the job I am going for on Thursday having many experience in the industry and in this particular role. I just hope it doesn't all go pair shaped, as so many things so often do in my life.

They say things run in three's, and the major set backs I have had in recent times is my girlfriend and I breaking up, I got kicked out of my social group that I regularly attended, and I got evicted from my place that I had in the city. Like I have said before, if I was to have a tarot reading a few months ago I'm sure the death card would have been dealt. This doesn't always mean there will be a death, but it does mean change, and from what has happened I have had my fair share. I would like to think of it as a fresh start in life and a chance to really move on with things, I just hope I don't let myself down