Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I might be insane, but I really miss the mania and I actually had a blast during my psychosis. I know, I know. But for the first time in a long time I felt happy and complete, all while being psychotic and "manic." I know a lot of people seem to have bad experiences, but most of mine felt great. At least for me. My boyfriend and dad were the ones who dragged me to the hospital because I was psychotic and apparently I wasn't eating, sleeping or drinking water. In my head then I was being fed by the spirit (I talked to the voice of "God.")
To be honest I wish they would have just let me be. I know that might be a bad thing to say, but I really wish I was just left alone. When they shot me up with drugs that brought me back down, they brought me back down to being more miserable than I ever was before my "mania." Life without my mania is extremely dull. A colorless rainbow. I can't see the beauty in anything anymore. I don't find joy in anything. I've been forcing myself to exercise and try to get back to a healthy daily structure, but most of the time I stop and wonder why the hell any of it matters. I am going to get old and die someday anyway. I don't think I want kids. I have a boyfriend who just wants to live day to day and not plan for any future right now.
I am just massively bored with life at the moment and depressed. I keep hearing this will pass, but I don't like living right now. This experience has also tested my faith. I thought spirits were talking to me but if the meds stop the voices, then it was apparently a chemical imbalance. Now I am questioning if any of what I ever believed in is real, or if this is all there is. If this is all there is I wish to "God" I was just left alone. I don't care if I was crazy, I was happy and in heaven and if that's all the heaven I get to see, then I would have been better off being left alone. At least I'd die happy.
Sorry to be all negative but this is how I truly feel. What is the point of living a life of misery? I would like to hear from people who actually enjoyed their experience. I am sort of tired of hearing about medication. The meds haven't done anything for me but make me feel like a zombie. So what if I don't hear voices now. I am miserable and feel like I am just here wasting air. So does anyone else actually miss the mania? Again sorry to be negative but just being honest.
To be honest I wish they would have just let me be. I know that might be a bad thing to say, but I really wish I was just left alone. When they shot me up with drugs that brought me back down, they brought me back down to being more miserable than I ever was before my "mania." Life without my mania is extremely dull. A colorless rainbow. I can't see the beauty in anything anymore. I don't find joy in anything. I've been forcing myself to exercise and try to get back to a healthy daily structure, but most of the time I stop and wonder why the hell any of it matters. I am going to get old and die someday anyway. I don't think I want kids. I have a boyfriend who just wants to live day to day and not plan for any future right now.
I am just massively bored with life at the moment and depressed. I keep hearing this will pass, but I don't like living right now. This experience has also tested my faith. I thought spirits were talking to me but if the meds stop the voices, then it was apparently a chemical imbalance. Now I am questioning if any of what I ever believed in is real, or if this is all there is. If this is all there is I wish to "God" I was just left alone. I don't care if I was crazy, I was happy and in heaven and if that's all the heaven I get to see, then I would have been better off being left alone. At least I'd die happy.
Sorry to be all negative but this is how I truly feel. What is the point of living a life of misery? I would like to hear from people who actually enjoyed their experience. I am sort of tired of hearing about medication. The meds haven't done anything for me but make me feel like a zombie. So what if I don't hear voices now. I am miserable and feel like I am just here wasting air. So does anyone else actually miss the mania? Again sorry to be negative but just being honest.
So you know your own story for yourself.
Just cos you talked to God won't guarantee you an easy ride.
But I think it will accentuate your future when you most need something intensely private to push you further up the road.
"I ...wonder wither...how my experience would have been treated in diffrent time or in diffrent culture "
The men in white jackets would have taken u to a mental reformory to live out the rest of your life all dropped up there.
"diffrent culture " more than likely a mental person would be taken out in woods/field & left for the wolves & to fend for thier ownself.
Nature being just that, parents kill weak/sick in a litter & that includes human parents doing so.
some are eaten. some are used by head hunters.some are used as bait.some are used as some form of slavery...
even in the 70tys, nuts were locked away. the liveing conditions - will pig mud holes are cleaner, however they looked about the same. It must have been a lonely place, no one to talk w on reg bases. watching people sit necket in their poo in hall ways, gee no I don't wonder about how things would have been bk then or even now in diffrent cultures.
From what I gather during psychosis we can harm others & ourself w/o meaning to do so/w/o intent. might even think that harmful act is not real, when it is.even after a person comes off a so called high the person may disbelieve that they had infact caused another person harm.
So glad that u have people who know u and who care about your over all well being & love u. Hugs to your Father & BF for takeing u to get the help n meds that u needed.
we the people have the right to do what ? seek happiness. which tells u what ? that everybody is not naturally happy 24/7 but we half to seek out - to have moments of happiness.
Point I'm trying to make tho, is my depression seems to me to hurt people way more than my mania. I push people away. I stay shut up in my house. I'm quiet and not interested in doing much. I'm going thru it right now and I don't feel I'm much a pleasure to be around and by the amount my phone isn't ringing for invites. I can safely say my depression is way more damaging than my mania... internally and externally..
Interesting thread. Thanks for bringing it up.
I have not experienced full-blown psychosis but I did have pretty wild hypomanic times. For me, I was exhausted by my racing thoughts and agitation so the effects of meds were welcome.
It took me a while to realize that what I was experiencing was not boredom -- just peace, tranquility and a quiet mind. Sometimes I do miss the me that would stay up for days, kicking butt accomplishing all kinds of stuff as if I was on meth. For the most part, though, I'm content with my new peacefulness.
Once you start your airplane mechanic classes, I suspect you will be less bored. Keep making progress with your nutrition, self-care and exercise!