Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I keep having moments where I think that maybe I DON'T actually have bipolar disorder, and that its just anxiety... but then I remember my insane behavior a year ago >.<
And I'm obsessed. Clearly obsessed. I am obsessed with trying to figure this out, figure me out, figure out how I tick, have ticked. Figure out how bipolar and anxiety has fit in in the past. My Mom is even getting annoyed with me, but I am still fucking obsessed. I hate this. I fucking hate dealing with this. Now I get to do side effect juggling with these damned drugs. I'll be calling the Crisis Center again tomorrow and if I'm lucky they will tell me that the side effects are normal and ok, otherwise I get to drive all the way up to the VA hospital, a damn 40 minute drive, and I get to try a different drug. I really hope that doesn't happen. I don't think chest pain/pressure and diarrhea is normal though. So I'm scared.
It doesn't help that I have an 8 page research paper due in 5 days that I haven't even gotten started on, and then in august I am going up to visit family that hasn't seen me in THREE YEARS. This wouldn't be bad if it werent for the fact that 3 years ago I looked like a guy, and today I am DEFINITELY not a guy. They have not seen me at all since I have made my transition and physically became a girl and I am really worried that my aunt will freak out on me or something "to protect her children from my evil ways" or some fucking bullshit like that. I'm afraid that my cousins won't recognize me. That they won't like me any more. Their oldest male cousin is no longer male, is now a different person. They used to love me and I am terrified that they will shun me or be freaked out by me. Talk about anxiety producing! I don't know how I'm going to handle it all.
To make things worse, the anxiety medication they gave me only lasts around 4-5 hours before it wears off and I only get two doses per day. I will be asking them tomorrow if I can either split up the doses into three or take a third pill. I'm worried though because I don't want to increase the side effects, but I am afraid the anti-anxiety effect won't be powerful enough with a smaller dose.
I'm afraid to talk about this stuff in certain areas too. I'm afraid that I will be accused of causing drama, that I will be annoying, and that I am just trying to call attention to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe thats what I need to do. Or maybe its just hysterics from my Personality Disorder (histrionic traits) and I need to STFU. I don't know. I want to take another anxiety pill, but it won't even really take effect for another hour and by then I'll be asleep! I hate this, I hate this feeling. I don't know how I ever survived without the anxiety med, being like this all the time, afraid and freaked out and everything like this all the time. I hate this. I hate being like this. I hate that I am so helpless to my brain chemistry, that I am dependent on medication.
I'm so afraid
And I'm obsessed. Clearly obsessed. I am obsessed with trying to figure this out, figure me out, figure out how I tick, have ticked. Figure out how bipolar and anxiety has fit in in the past. My Mom is even getting annoyed with me, but I am still fucking obsessed. I hate this. I fucking hate dealing with this. Now I get to do side effect juggling with these damned drugs. I'll be calling the Crisis Center again tomorrow and if I'm lucky they will tell me that the side effects are normal and ok, otherwise I get to drive all the way up to the VA hospital, a damn 40 minute drive, and I get to try a different drug. I really hope that doesn't happen. I don't think chest pain/pressure and diarrhea is normal though. So I'm scared.
It doesn't help that I have an 8 page research paper due in 5 days that I haven't even gotten started on, and then in august I am going up to visit family that hasn't seen me in THREE YEARS. This wouldn't be bad if it werent for the fact that 3 years ago I looked like a guy, and today I am DEFINITELY not a guy. They have not seen me at all since I have made my transition and physically became a girl and I am really worried that my aunt will freak out on me or something "to protect her children from my evil ways" or some fucking bullshit like that. I'm afraid that my cousins won't recognize me. That they won't like me any more. Their oldest male cousin is no longer male, is now a different person. They used to love me and I am terrified that they will shun me or be freaked out by me. Talk about anxiety producing! I don't know how I'm going to handle it all.
To make things worse, the anxiety medication they gave me only lasts around 4-5 hours before it wears off and I only get two doses per day. I will be asking them tomorrow if I can either split up the doses into three or take a third pill. I'm worried though because I don't want to increase the side effects, but I am afraid the anti-anxiety effect won't be powerful enough with a smaller dose.
I'm afraid to talk about this stuff in certain areas too. I'm afraid that I will be accused of causing drama, that I will be annoying, and that I am just trying to call attention to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe thats what I need to do. Or maybe its just hysterics from my Personality Disorder (histrionic traits) and I need to STFU. I don't know. I want to take another anxiety pill, but it won't even really take effect for another hour and by then I'll be asleep! I hate this, I hate this feeling. I don't know how I ever survived without the anxiety med, being like this all the time, afraid and freaked out and everything like this all the time. I hate this. I hate being like this. I hate that I am so helpless to my brain chemistry, that I am dependent on medication.
I'm so afraid
I won't be taking the anti-anxiety today, as I called the VA Crisis Clinic about the side effects and they told me to come in as soon as I can so that they can adjust the meds.
I hope I can avoid serious anxiety as this day wears on...