i'm tyring only being around people who are nice to me and make me feel happy all the time.

it's easy to get caught off guard.

i don't know, my heart is kind of broken right now- so i am just starting to try and be and gentle as possible.

at first i was angry. for a while i have just been stepping back.

abuse can come from anywhere, it came last for me from the last romantic relationship that i had. i'm still healing over that one. he was very mean at times. other times nice.

in high school, my friends from childhood started being extremely mean to me all of a sudden. it happened after i began to have a really amazing time in high school. it was all new to me, and everyone was nice. it seemed like a very safe and exciting place.
i think it made them nervous. they became really cliquey, like they always had been, i had with them, only i was ready to expand.
i think they hated me for it. there was no other explanation at that time.

same thing, kind of, with the ex boyfriend. abusive for years but it didn't start out as bad. but he would disappear and he made a lot of mistakes, unconsciously...and some consciously. i guess he never loved me the way i loved him. you would have thought otherwise, part of the time. well, so... anytime i was expanding was when he would become the most mean. then when he would grow he would just disappear, and do it. and come back all high asking why i am curled up on the couch, or why i never went anywhere all day.

he even asked me to do things with he and his friends, after he had ripped me down, verbally. it was intense violent verbal abuse, that seemingly came out of nowhere. the other times, he was so loving, i honestly thought it was just a mistake and he wouldn't want to be that way, so he would change.

abuse can come from a group of 'friends,' family, it can come from work environments and from people you think you should trust, because you just love them so much, and there are wonderful feelings between you, otherwise.
they could really be your 'best' friend.
it can come from anywhere.

doesn't make it right.


all aside, abuse sucks in whatever form it comes from. often it comes when you are at a growth phase and are ready to expand beyond your surroundings. your changes for the positive, could be naturally causing this.

I read this as I bounce my left leg. I'm sorry this happened to you. This doesn't sound like a very nice person to be friends with anyway. Oh and ha the joke is on her. I heard somewhere that those of us that fidget are actually burning calories-so there- we are keeping our figure or working on it as we bounce.

Bounce on sister!

Did you explain to her that it was a side effect of your medication?

anyway, i'm not there yet, i'm still healing from the bad situation, but in the past there were usually better situations to move on to, but you know what, i'm going to be really honeset....

it's not right. they shouldn't be treating you that way.

if you learn to accept that behaviour, you could end up having it happen again, even if you get upset enough to leave this group.
see what i had happening was this repeat cycle i would do, especially with males. that's where it has been for me.
so don't be a victim. the lesson sucks. but until you get it,
you'll experience that kind of treatment.

it's not your fault. i mean, i'm still working at disentangling all of this.
for me the friends situation has improved millions of times. i mean, i love and enjoy my friends.

i've started to learn i am different from some of the people in this world, and they are not all necessarily 'on' my side.

i used to get angry, but now i try to love as much as i possibly can and accept i can't change the outside, just work with what i have.
i have to remember i was and always was worth the time of day, and i am now.

that means, not being around, or concerned, with those who are only trying to make me feel bad, for some reason i don't always know.

people are very flawed, and many are very un-evolved, emotionally.
some are just not worth your time, because they are coming from such a place of hurt and spite.
it's just not worth, the time... you know ?

oddly enough, this extends to animals as well.
you know, someone's animal who doesn't like you...
like a neighbor's who barks it's ass off at you every time you walk past their yard, but YOU aren't doing anything...
and you just kind of feel that vibe,
well, they aren't worth your time either.
and there are going to be all kinds of energies like that coming from 'outside.'


so yeah, i am still trying to not be naiive, and to protect myself while still being myself. my authentic self.

so good luck! i'm sure you're a very great person.
don't feel bad about expanding, there are other great people out there too-

there is that quote i will just paraphrase:
your friends show you other worlds inside yourself you didn't even know you had, and it's fun, too. it should feel fun, or at least feel like play- when you are round them. innocence.

it should feel innocent, and happy. really.

okay so i jumbled that quote with some of my own words, and i forgot who said it.

now i'm really confused. do you think my friend is abusive or the potential friend was abusive?.....I'd hate to have to leave the entire guild over this. but I might anyway since I'm trying to get a job soon(in the next 4 months with voc rehab)

sorry for confusing you, i just think it's better to try and surround yourself with people who don't put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

that was extremely rude and cold-hearted of that person. i'm really sorry you had to go through that. that would've hurt my feelings too.

please though, don't let one jackass spoil something you enjoy doing. it is only about heart and kindness, and one should never waste a moment on anything less.