I feel for ya because I was in your position not long ago. You need help and until you are 100% ready and willing to give up the drugs, you wont. Its this vicious cycle. I meant what I said on my last post but feel free to send me a private message if you want. HUGS>

Sorry you are feeling bad honey. Big hugs of comfort to you now. Feel better soon.

tats, I agree with krissikat, this is something you have to be willing to give up. I will warn you that the extreme danger is that your body will build up a slow resistence to these drugs and you will eventually "crave" more and more. It wont stop here because you have convinced yourself that you find relief in the combo. I say this from the experience with my own sons who are both recovering opiate addicts, (pain meds). They began the same way to "self medicate" and eventually ended up addicts doing things they never would have expected. Opiate addiction is a horrific addiction that is very difficult to overcome.

You would be so much better to work closely with your pdoc and find the psych meds that work best to bring you stability with your bipolar disorder. Please be honest with yourself and your pdoc for you and your kids sakes. Drugs like this can destroy lives. xo

I have chronic pain as well, and past abuse problems. When I reach for the bottle I have to stop and ask myself, "Am I taking this for pain or for other reasons?" "What's my pain level on a scale of 1-10?" If it isn't really that much physical pain, then I have to put that bottle back down. It can be hard sometimes, but I think about how horrible it would be to mess up and get to the point where I need more and more pain meds to fix the real pain.

I also try substituting. For example, if I feel like taking something I don't really need, I force myself to play my guitar instead (or insert other productive activity that makes you feel good).

I'd say that if these things aren't working and you continue to abuse the scripts, you should talk to your doctor (eep! I know it's scary!) However, if these things help you lower the amount of meds you take, and you begin to only take them when necessary, then that is good. It is all in your hands. You have the power to figure out when you truly need the meds and when you don't, and to act or not act on it.

You might be interested in NA or some sort of support group. The NA meetings I went to were understanding about medical need for pain meds vs. pain med abuse. They understood that I HAVE to have my meds to live any kind of productive life and not be bedridden in pain and agony... that I just needed help reining it in and not abusing the meds. It worked well for me. I end up with leftovers at the end of the prescription and I don't have to get refills as much anymore. It also helps to have others around you going through the same thing together. I work with my doctor and we signed a narcotics contract that I am looking at random drug tests and pill counts and he will continue to let me have the pain meds so long as I don't abuse. He likes me going to NA meetings as part of the treatment.

Sorry so long, I just know where you are coming from because I have been there. I promise it doesn't have to be black or white, abusing pills or no pills at all and living in pain. There is a middle ground.

(((hugs)))
Alice

I have a pdoc appt on the 5th. I've seen him before and he wanted me to detox from the klonopin. Should have never left him. Am gonna come clean to him and see what he suggests for me.

Thanks Alice. I'll have to find some common ground with the docs...I have the same pain you described. It puts me in the bed...out of commision. No advice it too long for me....ty

tats, I understand your pain issues. I dont want to see you get to a point with opiates that you can never take pain meds again without being triggered. If you are careful now, that wont happen and you can use pain meds for your pain effectively. I admire your foresight for seeing your problems now and taking care of them. xo

I'm sorry you're facing this stuff. I've got a history of illegal drug use as well plus, I'm an alcoholic (in remission). This is some very difficult stuff to deal with. Many of us take some sort of drug - legal, illegal, alcohol, whatever - to ease the symptoms of our illness. They can take the edge off the mania, help us to get to sleep; or, perk us up when we're in a depression, or help us escape into momentary oblivion.

The problem with all of these is that the cocktails never work for long. They offer momentary peace or comfort, but then we're sober again and suffer from both the symptoms of our disease, plus the hangover or ill effects from our cocktails.

It is highly tempting to keep our cocktails a secret from the docs, in order to ensure that we continue to get the meds we use. That's called "protecting the supply", and is common behavior among addicts. while I'm not saying you're addicted to anything, this is one of the things that addicts do. People who do this are at risk of going deeper into things and may eventually become addicts. That just makes things even more complicated.

The fact that you use a cocktail is a hint that your particular meds aren't quite doing the job. This might be something to talk over with your pdoc. Sometimes there's a fine line between trying not to be miserable, and just trying to get high. If the cocktail is to help you feel less miserable, then adjusting your meds might be helpful. If it's just to get high, then it's the attitude that needs adjustment. In that case, a 12-step program might be appropriate.

I hope you are able to get a handle on this, before it becomes a serious problem. I hope you can find peace and comfort, without having to resort to any cocktails.