hi.im a long time member in this site, maybe not that long, less than a year i think, anyway, i am being treated for major depression/bipolar dsorder for more than 2 years now. The inital diagnosis was "major depression, but as time passes, the doctor told me that i might be a bipolar.

i've read a lot of posts here, and i must say that the frustrations that you have as u live with this disease are the same frustrations that I am experiencing every now and then in my life.

My biggest frustration was, I'm about to build my dream.My career as a Registered Nurse.I earned my license 1 year ago by passing the examination. But as the real training began, in the hospital, it was just like TRUE HELL. I was assigned in the emergency room, for 2 days. Everyone is pissed at me because I couldn't get things right. I'm supposed to insert the Intravenous needle on the hand of the patient, at first i was hesitant and scared, but god knows that Im trying my best (and it is understandable because im a trainnee) however i kept on screwing up-i cant insert the needle correctly, i cant think well to compute the dosages, and even if i was taught a lot of times how to insert drugs on the heplock , i just couldn't do it correctly. So the nurses,all of them, they're pissed at me.While i was aspirating a medication from an ampule, (the first is u have to FOCUS..and DON'T GET DISTRACTED BY ANYTHING OR ANYONE) an old woman was admitted, and while aspirating a the med from the ampule i was looking at the woman, and then the nurse saw me and she got mad because i wasn't concentrating, she grabbed the ampule (a little bottle of medicine) from me and did the whole thing all by herself. And that wasn't the end of my hell. On the third day, i was happy because im a bout to go home, I rode a jeep, after 20 minute of travel, I opened my bag and I realized that i forgot my notebook! (it contained all the important cases that i worked hard for , for 3 days! Oh what the heck. I have to go back. So i did. in my mind the last area that I went through was @ the ER. But it wasn't there. And then i went up on the ward, there, i found it.

I really wanted to CRY and scream at that time because i was so sick of being like this. Of being so out of tune. I cant focus and i get easily distracted, oh what the hell! I hated this disease so much that sometimes it makes me think that I could not live with myself anymore, you know what i mean? BECAUSE I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. THAT I HAVE A LOT OF DREAMS TO ACHIEVE. ---it was like im humiliating myself to others everyday,again and again, im humiliating myself to myself! sometimes ,i can't stand living like this. That you have to stand and fall stand and fall again and again. And when I get down, I REALLY "GET DOWN". I am so sick of being sick.That you make the SAME stupid mistakes, the in-your-face, obvious, frustrating mistakes from moment to moment of everyday. That the normal people WONT do.

Before that notebook incident, someone or something saved the day.

There was this clinical instructor who approached me ( he was there for training too, but he was already trained so he knew and mastered all the skills in nursing) he told me that next month he and his students would train at the hospital from where we are currently practicing. And i asked him why he has become a Ci, he said that he's interested in imparting knowledge and skills to students. He was teaching or c.i--ing for almost 5 years now. And I said that have u also trained in a real hospital setting,? he told me, "yes. i was a medicine nurse for a year, everyday that's what I do, and then eventually I got bored. I am not happy anymore, so I resigned."


..And that's like an epiphany moment for me, it's like a little "aha" moment. Feels like, hey, why can't i do that? What i mean is all this time, really, i feel like im pushing myself too hard. Im not saying that i will leave all this clinical trainings behind and move on with my life, --because I haven't figured it out yet. I really don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe this disease is a part of who I am. I know that medicines would take care of its job..this whole therapy thing... but the disease...this disease, bipolar, it won't go away, it will haunt me every time. And yeah.. it takes a lot of strength to go through life with it.