With springtime here, and the flowers blooming, and hearing people talk about gardens...it is really hard for me to even get the energy to get up each day. My dad never finished high school, but I swear it was like he had an encyclopedia of flowers in his head that updated every year, because he could name any flower he saw. My love for flowers and for gardening came from him, though I don't have nearly the green thumb that he had. I walked outside today and realized that the roses next to my house are blooming, and I just sat beside them and cried. Every year dad would bring mom and I both a blue rose, and even after he was sick and almost too weak to move, he refused to let anyone tend his flowers, we just had to let him do them, and make sure he was okay while he did.
I guess I didn't realize how much seeing the flowers bloom would actually hurt, and I want to make a flower garden...but I guess I am too scared that they will all die, and it will feel like I let him down.

It's also getting harder and harder for me to sing. Dad always loved to hear me sing, his favorite part of church was the music, During the 2 weeks he was in the hospital, he was incoherent more days than not, and on one of those days, mom played a song that she had recorded of me singing at the Easter Concert, and clear as day he told mom "That's my baby"
When he came home for the 3 days before he passed, I stayed in the living room, catching small naps whenever he would sleep, but when he couldn't sleep I sang Christmas carols to him and he relaxed.

Tonight at choir practice, I had to leave the room because 3 words into a song I had never heard and I was crying, and I couldn't stop. I know it would break his heart if I stopped singing, and in a way it would break mine as well because it is a connection to him, but it is so hard to sing anymore...