Bereavement Support Group

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.

3,879 Members
13,419 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

Words not to say when grieving-vader

vader
vader
This is the holiday season and I am doing my xmas job.This is the only time of the year that I can make money and not be penalized for it.But I do find today that people are like bulls in a china shop.That means they say things that just come to their head without thinking.This is the way that things were when I attended school.The boys then were a bit stupid.But today when I told someone about the death of my aunt..she responded.".well,its is better this way".Does anyone know what this means?What does she mean by better? Is she telling me who is having a hard time with Brad in rehab and the death of my cousins and aunt that I wish them dead? How could she be so cruel? Secondly..after she realized what she had said...there was no apology.These are words that you do not say.Another phrase..is this."I know how you feel".Now this sounds a bit offense.How could she know when she hasnt been around in months? How can anyone know the hurt a person is going through? Does he/she know? Of course not! Then why do people say this? But the biggest thing and the biggest crud that someone just told me is this"You will get over it." Now what does this mean? Are they telling me to forget the fact that these persons lived?How can anyone say this? If the person just lost a child..how can anyone say this to a mother? Some deaths people just dont get over.These are words that you just dont say.But people can help the grieving by not saying anything at all..but giving them love and support and sometimes giving us a surprize like buying the groceries and flowers to help us deal with the shock of death.Vader.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are so RIGHT. When mom passed everyone said that to us. I got so sick of hearing, "It's better this way and she's in a better place" that I wanted to scream.

They all went home to family for Christmas. We went home to emptiness.
daisydduck
daisydduck
Hurting and grieving make you defensive, especially in a holiday season when the songs tell us to be happy and bright. Vader, I am working for the holidays too and there is always something missing since my daughter died 17 years ago. I don't tell people about my loss. It's private. When you choose to tell someone that you have suffered a loss, what do you expect them to say? Especially if they don't know you, they will blunder out the first words that come to mind. You or I would do the same thing. This type of venting has been on this sight before. Remember one thing. Anger is part of the grieving process but being angry at people who don't say what you want them to say does not help. I believe that grieving is private for those who have suffered the loss. Telling strangers and expecting them to make you feel right will not fix it. I'm sorry for your loss and I won't tell you it will be alright. I do know you will survive, one way or another. Focus on your aunt being at peace in Heaven which is our ultimate goal, not on your loss.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is so hurtful. It's crazy that you posted this. First of all let my start by saying that I lost my first child in Dec. of 2001, and then I lost another child in Oct. of 2008. I am having such a hard time with these losses, and just the other day my Gma told me that "I just needed to stop this and get over it already." I was furious with her. I love her, but I just couldn't believe that she could say something so hurtful to me! It just shows you how most people will never comprehend what you are going through.
vader
vader
To all who have replied..I have been so busy and doing stuff.My aunt wont have a funeral.She is going to be cremated.The memorial service will be in two weeks.But I will always remember her and in 1956..at the age of 8..I was the flower girl in her wedding which I still have the pictures.And it was something that I cant ever duplicate.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt.When my son died at birth,i couldn't believe some of the things people said to me...
1]It's probably fo the best,when god takes a young child it's because they had a horrible life ahead of them....Like losing your life before it starts isn't horrible?
2]It was gods will..god wanted my baby dead?
3]Everything happens for a reason.ok,a newborn dies and theres a good reason for it?
4]You'll get over it...Well guess what,it's been 13 years and it still feels and hurts like yesterday!
5]This one really got me..Well,you really didn't want another one did you?[I have 4 others] Oh heck no...thats why i carried him for 9 months, loved him,had so many hopes and dreams for him!
6}Well at least you have the others,be thankful for them...like i wasn't thankful for them before my son died? I thank god every day for all of my children and have since the day they were born!
I hold a "gathering"at my home once a week for people that have lost a child and we talk about all the things people have said to us.It's totally crazy what some come out with! I tell people...give someone a hug in their time of need,that says it all!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think people say that kind of thing because they don't know what else to say but, yes it hurts us and we will never get over it. Untill one goes through what you went through they will never know the pain.All of us here know that it it will never get better.Maybe the comment she is better off is their way of thinking at least they will never be hurt or in pain again but when one says it the way they did to you it hurts and sounds bad. People should choose their words wisely.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do have to say that I have found alot of people to be mean and really say mean things just because they are mean people who are unhappy with their life.Maybe they never knew love the way we have. I guess I should be gratefull for having and knowing that love.
vader
vader
Thanks to all.But do remember that this is the holiday season and regardless what is being said...they aint buying at all.I am not doing so good as a bell ringer..People are not at all donating..but I have to do this as a big promise to Frank and this helps me cope with my depression.Happy Holidays!
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • deleted_user

    Food Allergy?

    Posted by: deleted_user
    Last Reply: Iafaforallergy
    7
    My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...