Bereavement Support Group
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Hi everyone,
Well here is my story. My husband and I had been raising 2 of my grandchildren (ages 6 & 8) for 3 years. This caused alot of stress for me, working full time and living on a farm, helping my elderly mother etc. On 7/1/11 I retired after 30 years. I looked forward to destressing and having a better life after retirement. On 8/11/11 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had chemo, radiation, hospitalization and several trips to the emergency room and I still need further treatment because there is still cancer "hot spots". On 10/14/11 my mother died. I didn't get to spend much time with her once I began cancer treatment because I got so sick and I didn't want her to know I had cancer. On 11/7/11 my husband, "papa" to the girls, the love of my life and my "rock" killed himself. I didn't even know he was hurting. Nobody knew. I feel so bad. I don't understand. I feel so guilty. I believe the cancer and raising the girls were too much for him. He did everything for me/girls while I was sick. I kept saying I could help more but he wouldn't let me. Everything reminds of him. We built our farm together. My youngest granddaughter is taking it very hard. I don't understand how he could leave me knowing I may not survive the cancer. I had signed my will the week before and he wanted to raise the girls. We had discussed my "final arrangements" and he was going to be there for the girls. I don't understand what happened. How long was he thinking about suicide. Sometimes, the grief is more than I can handle. I started smoking. I drink. I feel like I don't care but I do care. My girls can't loose me after just losing papa and granny. I am so sad.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Well here is my story. My husband and I had been raising 2 of my grandchildren (ages 6 & 8) for 3 years. This caused alot of stress for me, working full time and living on a farm, helping my elderly mother etc. On 7/1/11 I retired after 30 years. I looked forward to destressing and having a better life after retirement. On 8/11/11 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had chemo, radiation, hospitalization and several trips to the emergency room and I still need further treatment because there is still cancer "hot spots". On 10/14/11 my mother died. I didn't get to spend much time with her once I began cancer treatment because I got so sick and I didn't want her to know I had cancer. On 11/7/11 my husband, "papa" to the girls, the love of my life and my "rock" killed himself. I didn't even know he was hurting. Nobody knew. I feel so bad. I don't understand. I feel so guilty. I believe the cancer and raising the girls were too much for him. He did everything for me/girls while I was sick. I kept saying I could help more but he wouldn't let me. Everything reminds of him. We built our farm together. My youngest granddaughter is taking it very hard. I don't understand how he could leave me knowing I may not survive the cancer. I had signed my will the week before and he wanted to raise the girls. We had discussed my "final arrangements" and he was going to be there for the girls. I don't understand what happened. How long was he thinking about suicide. Sometimes, the grief is more than I can handle. I started smoking. I drink. I feel like I don't care but I do care. My girls can't loose me after just losing papa and granny. I am so sad.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Knowing that things are out of our hands makes the hands tremble and faith to falter. You have good reason to be nervous and dwindle into strange behaviors. You require immediate comfort. But look at things this way. Youve lost at least two of your closest loved ones, you are dealing with unpredictable personal health issues, you have young grand girls depending on your support, last of all is the farm to keep up. Your heartfelt conditions are overwhelming to me as well. I am praying for fresh strength to rush to your soul as I write. Hold tight to hope. Because hope will save you from despair.
My first impression is that your husband was a loving, good man. What happened is naturally an unwelcome surprise. And good people are often secretive when pressed to the limit with worry, anxiety, and fretting. Another fact is that rushing trials bring on fear which will overwhelm a meek persons heart and mind, pushing that one to forget hope and not trust in their smart abilities to cope while experiencing certain trials at difficult times. Usually, a sensitive person is better at handling emergency situations, but only a small gulp, step or dose at a time. However, thing mounted up on your husband's thoughts and too much strong pressure can alter normal thinking patterns and cause a sensitive one, such as him, to become an irrational thinker.
Think back. In the beginning, when the grandchildren came under your care, Im sure that you will say that your husband seemed normal, considering what was happening. And he was conditionally in his right mind at the time, so to speak, because the sense of it all was that raising the grands came at a convenient time for you both, which happened during your retirement period. Naturally, he understood that this was an unforeseen emergency situation, and that he was a temporary support for the girls; another easing thought for him would be that a mature womans care is really a priority for young women during the growing stages of young life, so the girls would not be totally his responsibility. The twist for him was when your health started to decline, that's when your husbands fears fell upon him in the cruelest way. Then, he had to consider making choices he never imagined to make without your support. His defences were up, and he panicked. Naturally so. Because his life-long companion, his right hand, so to speak, was slipping away from life; you were his sound and reasonble mind and he trusted your opinions for decision-making. Add to it all, watching your wife slip away is one thing that no devoted and loving husband is prepared for or wants to imagine, nevertheless deal with emotionally in person. That's why he kept quiet and agreeable during your illness. He didn't want you to know that he was weakening and unsteady. He respected you, and wanted you to rest in confidence, which he never really had. But he loved you, and didn't want you to be troubled. He didnt want to leave you, maam. He ran out emotional and mental strength.The happy matter is that in spite of all the sadness, his heart was then, and still is, with you in complete love and sympathy for how he left you hurting and looking for answers. Its just that in the end the fear of losing you was too much for him to bear, and he was broken-spirited, and consequently whisked out of his healthy emotional control and normal mental range. God bless his soul; your husband tried to hold on, but the pressure of so much heartache and the lost hope was too overwhelming. And this is not your fault; its just one of those things we all fear to deal with in life, and we can never be prepared ahead for such unpredictable times.
I am so sorry that your granddaughter is grieving so deeply. It is hurting me that you are suffering too. I really believe that God has a reasonable purpose for you and your granddaughters to find peace and joyful progress. You may decide to get professional counseling in order to understand further what has happened and to approach healing. I hope so; for it is best to seek skilled help. Just keep being motivated to get better by believing that your husband loved you and those girls very much. If he could speak out today, he would ask your forgiveness for what he did to disappoint and hurt you all. And then he would ask you to be brave and carry on with faith in his prayers for your recovery that is resting in his trust in Christ, our Lord. Your husband is with Jesus today, and God will bless him with forgiveness for his weaknesses and faults, and Jesus will offer him peaceful rest. It is up to you now to become enduring and courageous as you desire to live on. God is living among your human needs and He is concerned for you as well. Be genuinely prayerful to God and you and your sweet grand girls will overcome grief and survive with His blessings.
Starfish, I will take all the prayers I can get. Prayers are what will save me and make me strong.
"Normal" is a relative term. Dealing with a black hole of depression has become quite "normal" for me over the holidays. The holidays used to be a joyous time!
I guess it's a matter of learning to adapt to the new situation, whatever it is. Adaption is the key to survival.
Try to find some joy in your grandchildren!
Psalm 71
Good News Translation (GNT)
Psalm 71
The Prayer of an Elderly Person
Lord, I have come to you for protection;
never let me be defeated!
2 Because you are righteous, help me and rescue me.
Listen to me and save me!
3 Be my secure shelter
and a strong fortress[a] to protect me;
you are my refuge and defense.
4 My God, rescue me from wicked people,
from the power of cruel and evil people.
5 Sovereign Lord, I put my hope in you;
I have trusted in you since I was young.
6 I have relied on you all my life;
you have protected[b] me since the day I was born.
I will always praise you.
7 My life has been an example to many,
because you have been my strong defender.
8 All day long I praise you
and proclaim your glory.
9 Do not reject me now that I am old;
do not abandon me now that I am feeble.
10 My enemies want to kill me;
they talk and plot against me.
11 They say,
God has abandoned him;
let's go after him and catch him;
there is no one to rescue him.
12 Don't stay so far away, O God;
my God, hurry to my aid!
13 May those who attack me
be defeated and destroyed.
May those who try to hurt me
be shamed and disgraced.
14 I will always put my hope in you;
I will praise you more and more.
15 I will tell of your goodness;
all day long I will speak of your salvation,
though it is more than I can understand.
16 I will go in the strength of the Lord God;
I will proclaim your goodness, yours alone.
17 You have taught me ever since I was young,
and I still tell of your wonderful acts.
18 Now that I am old and my hair is gray,
do not abandon me, O God!
Be with me while I proclaim your power and might
to all generations to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches the skies.
You have done great things;
there is no one like you.
20 You have sent troubles and suffering on me,
but you will restore my strength;
you will keep me from the grave.
21 You will make me greater than ever;
you will comfort me again.
22 I will indeed praise you with the harp;
I will praise your faithfulness, my God.
On my harp I will play hymns to you,
the Holy One of Israel.
23 I will shout for joy as I play for you;
with my whole being I will sing
because you have saved me.
24 I will speak of your righteousness all day long,
because those who tried to harm me
have been defeated and disgraced.
Believe in this prayer, it is healing power of our God sent to you.
I am not sure if he will he send angels to heal your Cancer or not but i am sure He will send angels of comfort for you and your grandchildren to bear this burden of pain.
Like Job, you will be 10,000x richer.
God Bless You