I am going through trauma and i always thought that the friends i made would stand beside me.This isnt so.They are slipping away.The last friend lost his job and moved back to Michigan to be on his dads farm.Another friend left Seattle and gave no forwarding address and this is unlike anything he has gone in the past.I heard that he relocated back to New York and so far noone knows.Why do people move and dont give an address? Why do people leave their jobs and apartments suddently? Why is everyone abandoning me? I was here for them.This is the worst I felt in all of my life.I feel alone.And I feel betrayed.I feel like he didnt like me in the first place.People just dont move.My move to seattle took me 5 years.In 1989,my dad was dead for two years and my mother wanted to sell the house.She told me and my brother to find a state and place to live because she was selling the house to go to florida.She never did.But relocating is so hard.First of all,you have to relocate where they have what you like.Seattle is the top movie people in the states.We also top the charts for our delicious coffee and coffee is like a religion here.I love coffee and have it 5 to 6 times a day.(Thats a lot of starbucks so i make it at home).I also like museums.Painting and the arts and I found that the other states dont have as much.Seattle in 1991 changed my life.I heard his name.Kurt Donald Cobain.I heard the song"Smells like Teen Spirit" and I heard the scream and the anger.I knew then (altho i was in my 40s...seattle would be for me.) so I read everything about seattle and planned a triip there.I went in 1993.I went in 1994.I quit my job in 1994 and in 1995,May 16th,i took the Amtrak train to seattle.It took me 3 days.When i arrive....It was May 19th,1995 and I stayed in the sea tac area for one month.I stayed in the hotel Econo Lodge for almost one month and i got to kn ow the transportation.Then I found a room.Then I found a job.I was there all summer of 1995.It was just so exciting.And I loved it.I loved the summer of 1995 and met some of these people at the local coffee house.They were my friends.We did Thanksgiving and Christmas.But then a friendship went sour.I found out that one of my friends started rumours about me.They were not true and i had no way to proving it.He kn ew that the rumours and stories about Brad were not true,but he continued to do it anyway.I never found out the reason why.We no longer see each other and we no longer speak.And what did it accomplish? Brad is dead.And I am alone.I am alone at 62 with 2 cats and several strays that I feed.I feel deserted.Now these people noticed that Brad did not talk much and made no effort to try to have a conversation with him about sports.Brad loved sports.Maybe if the effort wasmade and they stayed close things would not have happened.....but i still miss Brad.You see,when I found my Brad...he was on the ground of the yard on the grass.He died in my arms and I wept.I asked for his forgiveness.Cause in a way its my fault for I didnt recognize the signs of mid life depression.Men when you turn 49....theres a depression that comes with it.You go thru it.You go thru periods of dryiness.You go thru aloneness.But what this is mid life depression for you wonder what the rest of your life would be life and you cry and take drugs and you drink but you dont go for help.All I know is that before he died....Brad told me "I dont like myself.I dont like people.I would like to die." And I was going to a doctor and I was asking for help because he was abusing me...but he didnot go for help and when a person tells me that they dont like themselves...I cringe.This dear men...is a cry for help...that I ,Vader ignorned.That I Vader did not take him to rehab and I just sat on the ground and i wept as I asked for the forgiveness of our Saviour Jesus Christ.I asked him to forgive and to forgive Brad and take him into Paradise with him for there Brad would have peace.i am crying now.But people have also abandoned me but i want to live and i want to live to be 119.I will be the oldest person on Daily Strength.vader and peace.love from the cats.