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what is grief without tears by vader?

vader
vader
I hope that I dont come across as being down right nasty.But I do feel that this topic is important and it is one that I would like to address.I wrote about this in my other group..but i have noticed and maybe all of you will also that lately when you start to cry to express your sorrow,people just get haywire.She asked me about Brad.I told her the circumstances about his death and when I started to cry,,she left the room as if i have had cooties.Crying is a healthy emotion and it did release certain chemicals to the brain.It is necessary,but not to cry is bad and this is bad that people are turning away if you cry.I cant stop the flow of tears when I talk about Brad.And since noone was here except me and the cats.......dont you think I have got the right to cry? Bradley died in my arms.I heard the rattle.It was one of the most traumatic experiences that I had in my life.And it is still be replayed in my mind everyday...even tho I am trying to rebuild my life.So if your friends wants to cry and you leave the room...thisshows you are also over whelmed and dont know what to say,but please let me cry.They are in grieving and what do you expect them to do? Do you expect jokes and happy go lucky at this time? Do you expect people to "get over" it? Brad committed suicide.This has devasted me.I failed to get him help.He was sending me out signals and signs.We were too busy fighting and yelling about his drinking and such that it also got
violent.Brad was depressed and i failed.i failed.But i have to rebuild my life and tell my story.i have to reach out and try to help people who are hurting.I promised my brother and my Brad that I would and i am going to soon to become a public speaker.I will help others in spite what has happened to me and i will help them cry.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree that crying is part of grieving.Though sometimes I feel people don't want to hear it or are uncomfortable with it. I learned I will listen to people cry because I want to be heard sometimes
vader
vader
to all who responded..thank you...crying is a part of grieving and it has to be let out instead of being kept in.It is natural and if others dont let this happen,they are either ashamed or are overwhelmed what to say.Once again...thanks.vader.
jk54cat
jk54cat
Yes, Vader, I agree with you! If people are uncomfortable with your showing grief that is their problem, not YOURS. I am weary of trying not to cry. That is why they call it the 'grieving process'. It comes and goes in stages.
Hugs to you,
JK
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with all of you. cry cry cry, its cleansing, it's healing. Vadar, when people ask you about brad and then walk away from you, it's because they don't know what to do or say. I can't blame these people. I blame society in general. We have not been taught to accept grief. We are not taught how to deal with a grieving person. People want a period at the end of a sentence. they want grief to have a period at the end. it's the way we are taught to think, until we face grief in the eye. I often think back to the time before my sister was murdered. Did i say stupid things to people who are grieving? Did I say, he's in a better place? Did I say those things? I'm betting I did, because i thought it was the right thing to say. I've since learned differently. So all of us, every single one of us have an opportunity to educate our society. The next time someone says to me, "your sister is in a better place" I will politely say, I understand you feel that way, but i don't, to me her better place is here, with us. Instead of nodding in agreement, instead of dropping my eyes and holding back tears. I will educate and imagine if we all did. I'm tired of the excuse, 'they don't know what to say'. So lets educate them. If you walk up to me and say, tell me how you're doing, be prepared to listen. be prepared for tears, for anger, for sadness. be prepared or don't ask.
Sorry I kind of got on a soapbox there. We do NOT have to explain our grief. we can educate the people around us though.
Shirley
starfish
starfish
Wow, vader....you are doing wonderful, taking this horrible thing and making something positive out of it....takes a very strong and brave person to do that. I agree with you 100%. You might also consider writing a book, because the way you have expressed this is very captivating.

I have the same feelings about losing my son.... it was NOT your fault. ((( hugs )))
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is soo good to read. I headed to work Friday, and remembered part way there that I had left the dog inside. I started crying, headed for home, and stayed there crying all day. It was one month from my husband's funeral, and that was probably what I was reacting to.

We need that time to grieve, and crying is part of that. I make no excuses. If folks don't understand now, they will.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Crying is part of the grieving process, part of healing, part of simply being human.

Please do your best not to question yourself over if it is right to grieve, when to stop grieving, etc. Your soul will tell you when it is time to move onto the next step in your healing journey.

I often feel like I shouldn't cry over Mom. I tell myself that I should start to be feeling better and getting my life back on the road because she really is gone forever. But that's easier said than done, and so I still find myself crying almost every day. And I know it's getting my boyfriend fed up -- he has told me he has no idea what to say. But I do know that he cares. In your case, please know that your friends DO care about your pain. They just don't know what to say.

Shirley noted that society teaches us to deny grief and to "get over it" at an extremely quick pace. Just because society educates us to be that way doesn't mean we will react that way. Grief is a very unique experience, and the best thing to do for yourself is to be patient. Remember: Some people seem to bounce "back to normal" (in quotations because I don't think anyone is ever TRULY the same after a loss) in what seems like an instant, while others may not begin to feel better until months or years later. EITHER ONE IS OKAY!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can't tell you how many times I have heard that tears are healing. So go ahead and cry. I hope you can find a friend who will be there and let you cry and not bail on you. Unfortunately, some people just don't know how to deal with the super personal/deep stuff so we need to find friends who support you who can handle the tears.
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