It is Christmas Day in seattle.It is raining and I just came back from Starbucks.I had a bagel and coffee and cried.This is my second xmas without my Brad.And it hurts.Brad did not like Christmas and he never celebrated his birthday.On his birthday we didnt go out.We had coffee.But this year was different.I sent out 35 xmas cards and to people whom i havent heard or seen in ages.And for the first time in 19 months,I brought Xmas gifts and the people who I gave to was surprized.One remarked to me.Why did you do this? And I replied..."well it is Christmas.Christmas to me is a time of giving and this Christmas is it a time of healing.I did housework because i have been working and this place is a mess.I did all of the dishes.And i fed my cat.I did not get up at four o clock.This is the first time that I slept to 6 o clock without tossing and turning.When I awoke,I felt and i did not cry.And I feel that this is Brads spirit telling me to move.But the biggest miracle of it all...I saved the house.He lowered the rent and i have been able to make it for four months.The roommates did not work out.In fact,one of them ran up a 290.00 phone and I sam still paying it off because i cant contact her she left no address.I realize this.Brad was sick and he needed help.Brad had a secret life.He was addicted to meth and it was because of his addiction.He lost the fight.And I realize this.He lost and I have won.But i refuse to date or go to parties anymore.They bore me.And i just cant give up this house.It is part of me andBrad.To all who gave mewonderful advice...thanks a bunch and remember this.....Time does not heal all wounds.I have found this out.Only thing that time does is make the living for you better and give you more options to go on.And I am thankful for the twelve years we had together.And I hope the day will come when we will meet again.I love you,Bubba.Vader.