Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

the question never to ask the grievingby vader

vader
vader
My name is vader and I am 65 years old.In May of 2009,my boyfriend of 12 years committed suicide and it has been a roller coaster ride since then.But I am finding out that people simply are tongue tied when they learn that someone in your life has died and they try to bring you comfort.Of they will let you cry.And they will let you talk...and then the questions will start...but here is one question...that you should never ask the grieving....HOW DID HE DIE? this question is unsensive and it is also full of nerve and wanting to know this...shows a persons total ignorance.I have been asked this several times since Brads death.Here is my reply.....IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.NUMBER ONE---YOU WERE NOT THERE AND EVEN IF THEY WERE...WHAT CAN A PERSON DO? nUMBER tWO----wHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW FOR? iT WONT CHANGE ANYTHING AND IT NEVER WILL.cONCERN LIKE THIS IS SIMPLY tALK SHOW GOO AND i WANT aLL TO KNOW THAT IN nOVEMBER i WILL BE WORKING PART TIME FOR 2 MONTHS AND THINGS HAV E GOTTEN BETTER.oNCE AGAIN.....THANKS.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I haven't minded people asking how my hubby died. It has gotten me to talk about it and be able to process better ... this is my personal experience. I know it is different for everyone.

The question I have found difficult is: "HOW ARE YOU DOING?" I'd rather have people ask if I am having a good day. Then the other question I was asked two weeks ago (5 months after hubby died) "YOU ARE YOUNG ARE YOU GOING TO REMARRY?" REALLY??? I though that was a very insensitive question.
Colleen
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree. People have no sense... most of them. It's very difficult to figure out what to ask or talk about. It's better to be just silent. It's confusing to even utter a word.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's a tough one and we are all different. Like holdahcl, I welcome any opportunity to talk about my husband. I miss him and sometimes people don't know what to say so they say nothing. Others saying nothing was a sore point on another thread. I think most people don't know how to behave in a way that's best for us, but I think they try. I also think we are all different and may need something different from the people we interact with.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, everyone is different & not everyone will take offense to being asked such a question, but I also see Vader's point. Hmmm. This will be something for me to think about.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Although I do think people are trying to be kind, questions can be painful for the grieving person. I have found that now, 3 years after my sisters death, I try to avoid the subject. On a few occassions people have asked about siblings. I always say I have three sisters. If the person pusheson and asks if they live around here, I then tell them where the two living sisters live and tell them that one sisters lives in heaven. Of course, there are times the person will ask, oh was she sick? When I say no, they will ask how she died. It is sometimes difficult to say she was murdered. When I do say it to someone, I can see the immediate change in their expressions and body language. Very few have asked how she was killed and I'm thankful for that. Tragic and unexpected deaths are difficult. Homicides and suicides are difficult for the grieving person to process, the questions are never ending in our minds. So Vadar, I can understand how you feel. I have yet to come up with an answer to how she died, except to tell the truth.
S