Bereavement Support Group
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Hi, I'm new. My name is Janet and I'm 39 years old. My youngest daughter who would be 17 years old as of December 31st of last year passed away on December 15th after an unexpected episode on November 28th.
I had to make the difficult choice of (after the breathing tube was removed and she was breathing on her own) to remove the feeding tube and fluids. She had brain stem damage to one side of the brain stem and significant brain damage to both sides of the brain. She was not cognizant of any goings on and the neurologist saw 0% likelihood of her ever returning to any state similar to what she had been before. What made matters worse is that my mother had been in a persistent vegetative state from 1992-2013 (which is what my daughter was in, sorry, I'm kinda skipping around). I was traumatized over that, and now seeing my youngest daughter this way sent me reeling!
My daughter, her name is Darrian, she lasted for longer than I would have liked. I have had tremendous support from many people and things are calming down now, finally. But that's not necessarily a good thing.
I started out as a young mom. My oldest daughter was born when I was 20, and Darrian was born when I was 22. Our family is not of the normal dynamic by any means. It's quite the long story, but needless to say, my oldest daughter has been out of the house for a few years now and now my husband and I are "empty nesters". We hadn't imagined it would have happened this quickly. We figured we would have more time. But life is tricky that way. You just never know.
So here I am, not really fully aware of who I am and who I need to be for not only myself but also with regards to my husband. On top of that, I miss Darrian. She was my sunshine. I sat in the living room tonight, talking to my husband and just started breaking out into tears because I was just literally 3-4 feet away from the spot where she sat many a night watching youtube videos and playing Call of Duty Black Ops 2. Many things are absolutely painful. Going to the grocery store is the epitome of dreadful and anxiety inducing. I'll see the lunchables or the ramen noodles, or noodles in general and I'll have to try to pull myself together.
I'm sorry, I know I talk a lot and I hope this isn't too much to start. I miss my little girl and I feel really frustrated, angry, and so tired of being this "strong person" everyone says that I am.
Anyway, that's it for now, thank you for reading.
I had to make the difficult choice of (after the breathing tube was removed and she was breathing on her own) to remove the feeding tube and fluids. She had brain stem damage to one side of the brain stem and significant brain damage to both sides of the brain. She was not cognizant of any goings on and the neurologist saw 0% likelihood of her ever returning to any state similar to what she had been before. What made matters worse is that my mother had been in a persistent vegetative state from 1992-2013 (which is what my daughter was in, sorry, I'm kinda skipping around). I was traumatized over that, and now seeing my youngest daughter this way sent me reeling!
My daughter, her name is Darrian, she lasted for longer than I would have liked. I have had tremendous support from many people and things are calming down now, finally. But that's not necessarily a good thing.
I started out as a young mom. My oldest daughter was born when I was 20, and Darrian was born when I was 22. Our family is not of the normal dynamic by any means. It's quite the long story, but needless to say, my oldest daughter has been out of the house for a few years now and now my husband and I are "empty nesters". We hadn't imagined it would have happened this quickly. We figured we would have more time. But life is tricky that way. You just never know.
So here I am, not really fully aware of who I am and who I need to be for not only myself but also with regards to my husband. On top of that, I miss Darrian. She was my sunshine. I sat in the living room tonight, talking to my husband and just started breaking out into tears because I was just literally 3-4 feet away from the spot where she sat many a night watching youtube videos and playing Call of Duty Black Ops 2. Many things are absolutely painful. Going to the grocery store is the epitome of dreadful and anxiety inducing. I'll see the lunchables or the ramen noodles, or noodles in general and I'll have to try to pull myself together.
I'm sorry, I know I talk a lot and I hope this isn't too much to start. I miss my little girl and I feel really frustrated, angry, and so tired of being this "strong person" everyone says that I am.
Anyway, that's it for now, thank you for reading.
It's perfectly okay--and normal--to feel what you're feeling. Just know that you're not alone.
Hugs & prayers!
There will always be things that remind you of her. Rather than run from them, at some point you will be able to look at them and smile. My dad has been gone just shy of 5 months, and I have those "smile and remember" moments.
By all means stop being the strong one for everybody. That forces you to put your grief processing on hold so that others can grieve.
Gentle hugs
I feel I know exactly how you meant that. I want to say we women & mothers probably have that in common , very often.
we live for our family, and when that family dynamic is turned on it's side we are left not knowing what to do or what is our role in life now.
You become so used to being Darrian's Mother and you still are, and will always be, don't get me wrong.
But it is a lost feeling. I could not bear any children of my "own" but I raised my stepson and I have said before I may not have have had a 9 month pregnancy but I felt like I had 20 + years of labor pains.
sorry if that is bad taste but there are so many things that sucked the life out of me, and if I don't use my humor I would not have lasted this long.
My son did not die, but his father did. The extra sad part is my son got mad at me when I made that awful , most difficult decision about feeding tube, etc.
( I cannot even imagine how much more difficult that was for you, as a Mother )
so my son leaving my life is different but I do feel the loss.
I have been working on finding myself since then. I have a dog.
he is all I have in the world as far as company and love goes.
I have relatives far away.
I hope you & your husband are supportive of each other. I have heard that death & illness can cause marriages to be tested.
PepperMan gave great advice, as well as everyone.
I agree try to not be the strong one , when you are not up to it.
It is hard to give that up though if that is what you are used to.
Hugs from me, too.
Keep purging your sadness so the happy stuff can come , too.
And however much you say here is the exact right amount !
That is a way to deal with it.
At some point you will find somebody new to peel the plastic with, or you will find new ways to bond with other family and friends. (Easier said than done though. My dad and I went to lunch at Denny's once or twice a week. I've been there only once or twice since he passed away almost 5 months ago.)
Those are the things that will be the hardest and it's what make trying to get through this basically impossible. Try not to let the platitudes of others get to you. People love to tell you how "strong" you are and can be. You don't need to be strong and you aren't looking to be strong. Feel what you feel.
My dad passed suddenly from an aneurysm just over 8 years ago... that surreal feeling of, "they were just here" never really goes away... the time between those feelings just gets bigger (sometimes).
Ah, the grocery store.. it is etched in my mind as a terrible place to be when grieving. I remember walking through it (maybe a few days or the week after my dad died), and it was so busy. I could barely navigate the aisles, and I was getting so frustrated I wanted to scream, "Don't you people know the tragedy that has happened?! Don't any of you know that time should have stopped?!" But, of course, no one does.
Please, talk/type as much as you like... you'll feel when you're ready to be done with a section. >>hugs