Bereavement Support Group

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MamasChild1 12/03/2009

It's over two years since I lost my Mom, and since we lived here my whole life, you'd think there'd be a certain amount of ease - not having to go to another address to quickly go through / remove possessions, etc. Many of you have experienced this. But I'm learning that no matter how much time - the grief will cause mistakes.

A word of advice: If you can, don't do ANYTHING (i.e. give away or remove things that were your loved ones). You may THINK it's time or see no reason in keeping things but there is a SEVERE backlash during the aftermath of loss. My biggest mistake was trying early on to re-arrange / remove some items from drawers. I may have given away things I didn't realize the value of.

Depression keeps us from doing things normally. I know. I live in what was once an organized household (thanks to Mama). It's now "The House of Dust and Clutter". Don't let things get that bad. Try to do a LITTLE. With holidays coming - the realization is overwhelming that things won't get done in time to decorate - and it keeps you from going on. I just hung some curtains Mama made after washing them. They'd shrunk and were torn in places. That had never happened before when I washed them - and I'm wondering was it age or was I not remembering anymore how to do things.

I realize this is long but I URGE you all - not to make quick decisions in doing even the simplest things. Aside from basic housekeeping, leave possessions as is - think / re-think before you do anything. Once undone - the grief is worsened if we lose items connected with those we love and have lost.

deleted_user 12/03/2009

Thank you for the advice. My mom was the daily "straightening upper" too. I did the deep cleaning but the day to day management was hers. I hear her words every day. Put your coat up, if you leave it on a chair it will leave marks. Put your shoes away. Close the cupboard door before you hit your head. I'm trying to keep up with it because she never allowed the place to look a mess. This week has been tough. We don't have much to give away. She didn't let herself have much. I've kept everything exactly as it was for now. I can't move anything.
I'm going to get her a Tiffany lamp for Christmas. I know she liked them. I mentioned to her because her birthday and Christmas was coming up. She didn't want me to spend the money. I'll do it now because she can't stop me. I do miss her so, even the hard times.
I adopted a second cat to keep my current one company. Working gradually with mixed results. She's moved into mom's room. My mom did not like cats but I figure she might understand. The only things I got rid of were the oxygen machine and canisters. They were on loan from the insurance/medical supply company.
I think I'll have to move eventaully but I can't bear the thought right now.
Don't feel bad about the curtains. Grief affects our concentration.
Thank you for sharing your advice and experience.

deleted_user 12/03/2009

I wish we would have had more time going through my sisters house. Since it was the crime scene we had to empty it within 9 weeks after her death. What they don't show you on the crime shows on tv is the after effect of the crime scene. Fingerprint carbon dusting stains everything. It was awful, haunting to walk in that house. The bathroom where they found remained closed. There were 7 of us there that day and we worked 9 hours to empty the house. We kept alot of things, my son stored a lot of things for my niece and me. I wanted to bring it all home with me, which I knew was impossible, but I still wanted to. I do have some things with me at home. A blanket that sits on my chair and i smooth it out everyday, a robe that I wrap myself up in and imagine it's her arms around me. When we go back to Indiana for Christmas, I'll pick up the rest of the things I wanted from her house. The car will be full. Hopefully, when we go back in a few weeks, her house will be completely restored. They had to replace all flooring, paint all the walls, doors etc. The bathroom where she was murdered was completely torn out and everything new put in. I'd like to see it restored, maybe it will erase those haunting images I have of her once beautiful home.
Still no arrests made. I want an arrest made. It's on my mind every day. I think about her, I try to think about the good memories, and I do sometimes. But still the thoughts of how she died are there too.

deleted_user 12/05/2009

Jude, I understood what you meant. It's a catch 22 i guess. Yes the house was horrific, but I also know the detectives are doing their job. I just didn't anticipate her home looking like it did. Blackness everywhere. But that means they dusted for alot of prints, which is good. I also didn't know home owners insurance pays for total restoration. My niece, my sisters only child, needs to have that house finished so she can sell it and have that much off her plate. She's only 25 and having to deal with all of this. She's a brave strong young woman. I worry about her everyday.

MamasChild1 12/09/2009

I've been away from the board and just read your comments - so inciteful - particularly, those who've lost someone where a crime scene is involved. Unless hit by it on a personal level, we see things as portrayed on TV - not real life. My heart goes out to you and to those whose loved ones' belongings were selfishly given away by someone else. On that latter sentence, I'll give you a quote of my Mama's...She said it for years, and I even quoted it in the eulogy:

"Love many. Trust few. Learn to paddle your own canoe."
Good advice, Mama, but it's taking so long to learn.

DonnaB49 12/11/2009

I feel the same way. I still have my mom's walker downstairs and haven't disturbed anything that was in her room, somehow I didn't feel I had the right. Friends have told me I should get rid of them but I feel I can't - not yet. She was a hoarder as well as I and while going through a box of old bills of hers I found a handwritten list of all the old jobs that she worked during her lifetime, something that I didn't know and I felt that it was like finding a treasure. She was always writing lists when she was younger and when she got older she had to stop because her hands were deteriorating too much.

deleted_user 12/11/2009

I know this might sound wierd or crazy to some of you, but since my sisters death, I'm so much more aware of my own mortality. After going through her house and sorting through her belongings, cleaning up a crime scene, I've decided to make it easier on my own children. I've started getting rid of the things I don't need or want anymore. I have a son and a daughter, both grown and living on their own. My daughter got married last June. I've talked to them both over the years about things I have that I want each of them to have. When we were cleaning out my sisters house, her daughter asked me to clean out her Mom's bedside table. She didn't want to do it and she knows how close her mom and I were so she asked me to do it. When I opened that drawer, I found alot of notes she wrote, thoughts and some prayers, some of her favorite bible versus in her hand writing. It touched me. I also found a birthday card I had sent her. I always sent her a fun sister card, but the year my dad died, I knew she was struggling so I sent her a beautiful, loving sister card. I found that card in that drawer. She saved it for 6 years. It was right beside her in that drawer everynight she went to sleep. That touched me, touched my heart. So to get the what some might think is wierd, I've started leaving notes. Notes for my kids, taped on the back of certain items they each know they are to take when I'm gone. Just simple love notes. I love you son, I'll always you. So years from now, when they have the task of going through my home, maybe they'll smile and know I'm with them always.

MamasChild1 12/11/2009

To Donna and Sandy:
Same here, Donna. I sleep in Mama's room with all her clothes still in the closet - and mine in the next room. I keep TELLING myself to move clothes for convenience - just can't. I even can't repair some chips on the hallway wall, which may have been made during her last stretcher trip home from hospital (or on her way out after her passing - I don't know). Donna, I have a ZILLION pieces of paper with Mama's handwriting - they make me cry when I come across them. Keeping track of bills, etc. Or her age beginning to creep up on her, she'd write, "Today is Monday". Then the next would be "Tuesday". She was forgetting. Who could part with that?
And, Sandy - YES - Mama's passing has made me aware of my mortality but filled with fear for "where is she now?" They've become part of Eternity - and it hurts my heart not knowing where she is - praying she be safe. I miss her so.

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