Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
I had to write this column.The people on this site are wonderful.You have helped me during this year and I am so grateful.But I had a fight with my so called best friend.She wasnt there last year.Noone was.That scene is being replayed over and over again.On May 22nd,2010...it will be one year and the phrase people have said to me is this"Vader...it has been a year...GET OVER IT" what do they mean? How does a person and survivor of suicide get over it? I dont have many close friends now to discuss this with.My social worker told me that I am going thru trauma and the trauma usually last one year.But on the night before his death,Brad was acting out of control and I knew that in time he would have hurt me.Even the cats were afraid of Brad.Little Tooey hid in the closet.Kramer hid behing the pots and pan and she refused to come out.When I found Brads body,the cats were beside him.Kramer was sitting by him.Tooey was sitting at his feet and when Kramer saw me...Kramer began to howl.Kramer has never howled before.But she wouldnt leave Brads side and when the police came,they ran into the house and hid in Brads room.I couldnt find them.They were hiding.Brad left me a letter.He told me in his letter that he did love me but he was a hopeless alcoholic and he told me that there was no cure.Brad also told me that I will be better off without him and he wanted me to stay in the house and not get rid of the cats.Brad did not leave a will.Since we were not married,I had no claims over his estate.His siblings had to sell the cars to pay for the cremation which was 2600.00.I felt lost and i feel abandoned.I have got no one to talk to.And today I cried and cried and cried and I asked The Lord...Where did I go wrong? Brad was on drugs when he died.He was smoking meth.I know nothing about meth but now I am trying to find out everything about it.If anyone of you has been a victim of meth abuse,please write me.I want to know what I did wrong.Meth is on the rise in Seattle,especially in King where I live.The meth labs are getting busted all over here.We are having an epidemic.But the chief of police here wants laws here to help.He doesnt believe that jail is the answer.Well,excuse me! Brad was in jail for two months in 2008.2008 was the worst year of our lives.Brad did time for drunk driving.They told him to go straight.Noone knew about Brads imprisonment.I told noone not even my brother.What can a person do if someone is in jail and they live 3,000 miles away? Stanley couldnt do nothing and I refuse to interude on him.He is a good brother.He is a good friend.And you dont involve good friends in your problems.I cant do this to my on ly brother.He is all the family i have left.Noone knows that I am struggling now.Not even Stanley.I am working 7 days a week.I am a mystery shopper now and I have to do it until I get a roommmate.Getting a roommate is hard enough here and you have to be careful.But can anyone imagine when you are told to :"get over it." What can I do? Brad existed.He was a human being with very serious problems.Yet he was straight and sober for 5 years and kept away from his jail bird cronies.I havent seen them since his death and i dont want to.lThey never call anymore because i had the number changed.It is a pleasure to sleep thru the night without that damm phone constantly ringing...Dont these people sleep? Dont these people have any kind of morals? But to be told to "forget Brad.",is poor advice and who does she think she is anyway? Number one....we are growing apart and she is to blame.She doesnt like what I like and this is a problem.Friendships can grow apart when you have got nothing in common.She doesnt watch tv,read books or magazines.She doesnt go to book stores and she doesnt read the paper and i am the one who is explaining things to her and i am getting to resent this.To be told this shows she lacks the common sense.Look....just because I had to take care of my mother doesnt mean I am in a dream world.I know what is going on because I have cable tv and see and watch tv.I also can have conversations.She does not.All she talks about is this guy and frankly,like Rhett Butler told Scarlett....I dont give a damn.If you have a boyfriend or companion.can you spare me the details? Can you at least have some interests of your own and do things by yourself? And could you spare me the details on all of your dates.......i am not interested.I am going thru trauma now and I need support,yet you are always talking about him and do me a favor...live with him or marry him..but if you do.....please dont bother me no more.I am sick and tired of hearing about him.I didnt know that some people can walk on water,but her lack of concern for me grows everyday and my lack of concern for her is showing.Losing Brad has been the most traumatic experience in my life.I wasnt prepared to deal with this.Before I called the police,after i found Brads body,I cried.I tried to turn him over...he was all bloody.Brad slit his wrists.I held his body next to me.I told him that I loved him and i cried more.i must have cried for 10 minutes.Brad died in my arms.And I stroked his hair and I said...."Now you can go to any rehab and get better.I will see you again...bubba" Then I called the police.On the phone the police told me to stay in the house and dont touch anything.I was sitting on the steps when they came over and they told me to go in the house.They had to do an investigation.There were 150 "suicides" in seattle last year.....that were really murder.The police have to be sure and after two hours and after the investigation and all of the questions.....they determined is was a suicide.The lead detective told me he was sorry and brought out a long bag.I saw him zipper the bag up and put Brads body in it.I couldnt say goodbye to him.He was all bloody but the medical examiner told me she was sorry and had to wait until she contacted the family....brads sister and brothers before she released the body.Then after she signed the paper...they put my beloved in the medical examiners ambulance.Then all of the neighbors came.One homeless man named Arnie saw the whole thing.He was living in a camp by me and was wallking his dog when he saw the police.When he saw the medical examiner...Arnie let out a yell.">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>he killed her.I told her to leave..................................that .......................................................killed her.Then he and another homeless man ran the other way.These 2 people have tickets for dui and are homeless because they cant pay the tickets.Arnies friend hid under an abandoned car.Arnie climbed up the tree and let the dog run loose.Arnie was crying.I didnt leave the house for one week.Noone saw me.I was in shock.Noone saw me.2 weeks passed and I was walking to the bus station when I was jumped by a 150 lb pit bull.Sophie was so happy to see me.Arnie started to cry...."Vader...you are alive....who is dead." I told him that Brad killed himself and he called his friend over......Arnie told his friend that Brad killed himself and I was in shock.He told the others who were begging at the stop to leave me alone.One of them asked me if i had coffee and i said no.Arnie went to the 7-11 and got me a donut and coffee.Then I cried.I cried so much i thought that I would vomit.So who can I "get over it." WOuld you? What would you do? I had to recapitualize the events.I had to play them out.Only Arnie saw the examiner and til this day....the beggars of seattle dont ask me for change for arnie told me to leave me alone and that I was in mourning.
Have you told your friend what is going on with you? No one should ever tell you to "just get over it" but she may not understand how hard a time you are having. If she continues to use you as someone to just listen to her, I do agree that the friendship is over. Friendship is about give and take and it sounds like she is just taking.
Drug and alcohol addiction is a difficult thing and harms those close to the addict as much as it does the addict. The suicide of a loved one also breaks something inside. Brad's drug addiction and suicide were not your fault. You can try to help people with their problems but you can't make anyone do anything.
Please go to a doctor and tell them what is happening. You sound absolutely frantic. They can make recommendations to help you. They can refer you to a therapist or judge if you need medication to help you through this crisis. I wish you the best of luck.
My wife was badly addicted to pain medication and was in and out of jail several times. Quite unsettling to see a loved one suffering behind heavy glass. Jail was clearly no deterent or solution.
I found her body in the kitchen one morning. I called 911 but she had been dead several hours.
The one year anniversary is comming up but I certainly don't feel over it. People who have never been through an experience such as yours simply can not grasp it.
drug was meth.Meth and booze is what killed him and noone who has
never been there before and noone who has even tried to imagine this pain called addiction just simply cant say "get over it".Some things I cant get over and Brads death is something that I have to live with everyday for I am the one who found the body and I will never forget it.It was one of the most horrible days of my life and I will always love Brad despite his drug and alcohol addiction.He did a lot for me and for this I am grateful.So anyone who said"get over it" doesnt know what it is like to grieve and i will mourn Brad for the rest of my life.
And to be completely honest I think said person is having their moments where they're still trying to deal with this loss, I know a fair number of my family members are. This is the reality of bereavement - it comes and goes in waves and you can't entirely control it, you just have to try to manage it better with time and effort. If there's anyone giving you that kind of response then my best advice would be that you don't discuss the passing with said person and find the people you can talk to about it.