Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
This has been a very stressful, painful and frustrating week. I am a mother of two very active children (2 and 1 years old), who simply refuse to settle down at night. On top of the that, I am an Administrative Assistant for the Management Office of a luxury condominium, which can be very demanding at times.
A few months ago, I had received a few strange phone calls from what I assumed to be debt collectors and an attorney's office. They were all looking for my mother for some reason they weren't at liberty to disclose. I thought it was very strange, and I felt in my heart that something was wrong. But I listened to my dad's advice, and let it go at the time. Now just a couple of days ago, I learned through a posting on my aunt's Facebook that my mother had died. She had posted that she had finished planning her funeral, which was held on December 5th. I was so shocked that I called my dad (they are divorced). It was no surprise that he was as shocked as I was. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night, nor the next night. I sent an email through Facebook to my aunt, since I have no other way of contacting her. Yesterday, I scrolled further down her Facebook timeline and learned that my mother had been in the hospital for an unknown condition.
Things between my mother and I have always been rather strained. It's been 14 years since I last saw her, and about 3 years since we last spoke, which was very brief. And a few years ago, I even lost touch with my aunt when her husband was released from prison. That last conversation, though, has been the only thing I can focus on the last few days. I remember as if it just happened yesterday. I was anything but calm and polite. I accused her of only calling me on that particular because she needed money or something else, which had been her pattern. She was always moving, always changing her number. Her contact information changed more than how often I buy toilet paper (bad analogy, I know). Anyway, during that conversation she had said the only reason she was calling was to check to see how I was because she heard I had gotten divorced, to which I responded in a rude manner, accused of her needing something yet again, and asked her not to call me again.
It's no secret that we weren't close. She was always abusive towards me growing up, and even into adulthood. So it was only natural that I thought what I did when she called that day. Now that I look back on it, I keep pondering the same questions over and over:
- Was she really calling out of concern?
- Had she really turned her life around and was trying to make amends for the past?
- Did she really want a relationship with me that wasn't being abusive toward one another or about favors?
Ever since my daughter was born (she's my 2 year old), my husband (second marriage, BTW) has been saying that I call her. I always found her on Craigslist looking for books. She was an avid reader, and book collector. I always chickened out, though. A couple of times I did call, but hung up when she answered. I have a separate email address--aside from my personal email--that I emailed her a couple of times from to let her she had a grand baby and we were expecting another. I didn't get any replies; not that surprised me, though. She did call my grandmother for my new phone number. When I got remarried, my number changed when my husband added me to his account. But my grandmother never gave it to her.
And now all I can think of is "if only" and "what if":
- If only I had spoken when I called her.
- If only I had permitted my grandmother to divulge my phone number.
- If only I had tried harder to contact her.
- If only I had used my vacation time to go back home when I had chance.
- What if I HAD spoken with her?
- What if I was able to tell her about her grandchildren and new son-in-law? Would
- What if I hadn't chickened out when I called her?
- What if I hadn't chickened out when I initially found my aunt on Facebook?
Then last night I found myself getting even more upset at that the fact the funeral has already happened. I feel like I was robbed of the decision to attend or not. No one notified that she had passed, or that she even sick or in the hospital. I found out through a Facebook posting of all things. Even my boss was surprised at that one. Sure, we had our differences and unresolved issues, but she was still my mother, after all. It if weren't for her, I never would have been born, nor my adorable children.
This all feels sudden and surreal. I frequent Y!A quite a bit. When I posted on there about lost I was feeling--and still am--someone suggested that I write my mother a letter, or even a series of letters, as a way of addressing the unresolved issues.
I don't know what to do, or where to go from here. I've been told that what is done is done. While that makes sense, it doesn't help one bit. I emailed my aunt, but she hasn't responded. And I still don't even know what happened or how she died. All I know is that she died while she was in the hospital and that my aunt and her husband were there. At least she wasn't alone, thankfully.
Sorry for the "book." I really didn't mean for it to be so long.
A few months ago, I had received a few strange phone calls from what I assumed to be debt collectors and an attorney's office. They were all looking for my mother for some reason they weren't at liberty to disclose. I thought it was very strange, and I felt in my heart that something was wrong. But I listened to my dad's advice, and let it go at the time. Now just a couple of days ago, I learned through a posting on my aunt's Facebook that my mother had died. She had posted that she had finished planning her funeral, which was held on December 5th. I was so shocked that I called my dad (they are divorced). It was no surprise that he was as shocked as I was. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night, nor the next night. I sent an email through Facebook to my aunt, since I have no other way of contacting her. Yesterday, I scrolled further down her Facebook timeline and learned that my mother had been in the hospital for an unknown condition.
Things between my mother and I have always been rather strained. It's been 14 years since I last saw her, and about 3 years since we last spoke, which was very brief. And a few years ago, I even lost touch with my aunt when her husband was released from prison. That last conversation, though, has been the only thing I can focus on the last few days. I remember as if it just happened yesterday. I was anything but calm and polite. I accused her of only calling me on that particular because she needed money or something else, which had been her pattern. She was always moving, always changing her number. Her contact information changed more than how often I buy toilet paper (bad analogy, I know). Anyway, during that conversation she had said the only reason she was calling was to check to see how I was because she heard I had gotten divorced, to which I responded in a rude manner, accused of her needing something yet again, and asked her not to call me again.
It's no secret that we weren't close. She was always abusive towards me growing up, and even into adulthood. So it was only natural that I thought what I did when she called that day. Now that I look back on it, I keep pondering the same questions over and over:
- Was she really calling out of concern?
- Had she really turned her life around and was trying to make amends for the past?
- Did she really want a relationship with me that wasn't being abusive toward one another or about favors?
Ever since my daughter was born (she's my 2 year old), my husband (second marriage, BTW) has been saying that I call her. I always found her on Craigslist looking for books. She was an avid reader, and book collector. I always chickened out, though. A couple of times I did call, but hung up when she answered. I have a separate email address--aside from my personal email--that I emailed her a couple of times from to let her she had a grand baby and we were expecting another. I didn't get any replies; not that surprised me, though. She did call my grandmother for my new phone number. When I got remarried, my number changed when my husband added me to his account. But my grandmother never gave it to her.
And now all I can think of is "if only" and "what if":
- If only I had spoken when I called her.
- If only I had permitted my grandmother to divulge my phone number.
- If only I had tried harder to contact her.
- If only I had used my vacation time to go back home when I had chance.
- What if I HAD spoken with her?
- What if I was able to tell her about her grandchildren and new son-in-law? Would
- What if I hadn't chickened out when I called her?
- What if I hadn't chickened out when I initially found my aunt on Facebook?
Then last night I found myself getting even more upset at that the fact the funeral has already happened. I feel like I was robbed of the decision to attend or not. No one notified that she had passed, or that she even sick or in the hospital. I found out through a Facebook posting of all things. Even my boss was surprised at that one. Sure, we had our differences and unresolved issues, but she was still my mother, after all. It if weren't for her, I never would have been born, nor my adorable children.
This all feels sudden and surreal. I frequent Y!A quite a bit. When I posted on there about lost I was feeling--and still am--someone suggested that I write my mother a letter, or even a series of letters, as a way of addressing the unresolved issues.
I don't know what to do, or where to go from here. I've been told that what is done is done. While that makes sense, it doesn't help one bit. I emailed my aunt, but she hasn't responded. And I still don't even know what happened or how she died. All I know is that she died while she was in the hospital and that my aunt and her husband were there. At least she wasn't alone, thankfully.
Sorry for the "book." I really didn't mean for it to be so long.
My father died this last August. He and I were close, got along very well, and I visited him 1 or 2 times a day the last month when he was in the hospital and nursing home. AND I STILL HAVE A LOT OF "WHAT IF" QUESTIONS.
We all have those pesky 'what if' questions, no matter what the status of the relationship was at the time of death.
I think that you are dealing with 2 complex issues here: the first one is the desire to have had a better relationship with your mother, and the second one is passing of your mother.
Those are some pretty big things to deal with. Have you considered professional counseling?
Give it time. Grieving is not a set pattern of 'stages' that everybody goes through the same way. There may be a master list of emotions that go with dealing with death, but we all experience those emotions in different orders. Sometimes we think we have dealt with an emotion only to find that it returns to bug us yet another time.
Lean on people in your life as is appropriate for that relationship. My wife has been wonderful; my children are good, but it is hard for me to lean on them because I'm their dad and supposed to be the strong one. People here in this group are really good, but without the direct personal contact we are limited in what we can do.
Gentle hugs
However, I think can add one more complex issue to your list: feeling guilty about NOT reaching out to her before. I recently went through all of my stuff looking for some memento from her that I kept, and found nothing. Either everything was tossed or simply went missing when we had moved.
Continuing hugs.
As I went through the five weeks of hospice with her (which was its own set of if only and what if crap), I spent time going through our past in my heart and mind (and a little with my therapist and psychiatrist) and reminded myself that part of the reality of the distance in my relationship with my mother came from the fact that without it in my life I couldn't be an effective wife and mother. With her constantly verbalizing my perceived flaws, I would never be able to parent my own children effectively and I would not be able to be a good wife to my husband. I did see her and visit with her, but it was always on my terms and when I was emotionally stable enough to handle anything that would come out of her mouth.
You can't beat yourself up for taking care of yourself and removing yourself from an abusive situation. It is ok to grieve your mother and also to grieve the relationship you wish you had had with her. That is what I am doing......and I don't think I am wrong.