I just came from a website called \"permission to Grieve\" it\'s basically a blog that lets people make entries on how they are dealing with the grief of loss. The thing is; they spell out very clearly that we all have to deal with it (grief) in our own way. Sometimes, that means not dealing at all. I\'ve spent an enormous amount of time over the last 4+ years pretending to be ok because it made everyone else\'s life easier. Then, when I was alone (which was often as my husband traveled for a living and we are childless), I just sort of existed. I didn\'t live, I didn\'t act or react, in fact I don\'t remember a whole lot about 2004-05/into 06. Katrina sort of became a metaphor for my life because my husband and I had been in New Orleans in Feb. and by the end of Sept. it was gone. I had walked the streets of that miraculous city for 4 days by myself because Christopher had to get back to work after our first night there. We had taken a Carribean cruise the week before and his available time had \"expired\". In any case, I have never felt less alone than I did when I was alone in that city. It is as indescribable as the color of the Carribean to a person who has never seen it. It is......... soul healing and spirit changing and wonderful to feel. It\'s like sinking your toes into thick green grass in the shade of a house on a hot, hot Indian summer day. It\'s all the dreams of magic you ever had as a child......... Ok, you are saying, but what the heck does that have to do with anything?

When Molly died, I told everyone that I was going to abstain from Christmas this year as I knew without question I had nothing to celebrate. Yesterday and today, I was experiencing some guilt about that decision. Christopher went to his folk\'s house without me this year and I really, really love his family. He\'ll be going on his own to my Mom\'s place to celebrate with my family as well. And that\'s alright. I shouldn\'t have to justify my decision to anyone. I don\'t have to pretend and \"make-nice\" because of the season. For most people, the season really only represents a great big celebration of debt while all of us make excuses for overeating, overdosing, overspending and overdoing. And hey..... let\'s cut down and kill a whole mess of trees while we\'re at it because it\'s the perfect symbol for our \"it\'s disposable\" attitude. Don\'t misunderstand me, more than anything else I believe in peace on earth and good will toward men. I just don\'t think that the 6 week insanity from mid November to Christmas has anything to do with peace or good will. I also happen to believe that we are all entitled to irrational overabundance when it comes to buying or doing something fabulous for someone we love. I just don\'t think it should be scheduled.

In the end, what the loss of Molly and my self-imposed exile from Christmas has shown me is that we all have to decide for ourselves what is meaningful and/or what is not. I don\'t want to live in grief and misery. I\'m not going to cut myself off from the world around me either. But I am going to be the one who makes the decisions about how and when I choose to interact with the world I live in. Those choices will not be based on the expectations of others. My life view and world perspective is unique unto me. How can I possibly be true to anyone or anything else if I\'m not even true to what I believe?

John Lennon wrote a song about Christmas asking \"what have you done?..... another year older....\" and so I am. The 26th is my 47th birthday and I think I can honestly say that this year, for Christmas and my birthday, I will have found loss and grief, and learning and peace...... Now all I want is Molly.