It has been a long time since I have posted.  I have been struggling to find a way to express myself and find solace in an online support group. I first came here because of the unexpected loss of my 15 year old daughter July 2018.  It has been an up and down battle.  Trying to stay strong for my two younger children and oldest daugther, keeping life going- struggling with trying to get to a sense of normalcy; but is there really such a thing when you are missing such a HUGE peice of that normalcy that we all knew?  The little girls talk about her often; which provides me comfort that she made such a difference in their lives and I pray that they continue to remember.  I fear forgetting really great memories or living life too good that it seems I have forgotten what I've lost. 

And I struggle with understanding my oldest daugther.  My 19 year old daughter has struggled for years with depression.  Her and I sometimes don't see eye to eye, because we both have two different personalities, handling of lifes daily occurences, and how we allow others to affect us.  Where she would rather be a hermit, disregard cleaning up, eat, sneak food, be grouchy, isolate herself- I, on the other hand am a "Fuck this shit" and "I'm proving everyone wrong" type.  I am sure that the passing of her sister has been difficult for her to work through- but I have tried to discuss with her the important of HONORING her sister rather than MOURNING her.  My daughter who passed will never be able to experience the things my 19 year old can; and I encourage her to live life in a way that would make her sister proud.  My daughter says she suffers from depression and anxiety; yet she make little attempts to make an appointment with a therapist.  She says she is not happy with her body; yet she does little to eat healthy, exercise, or change her life habits.  She has an excuse for everything that should be done that wasn't done and she gets frsutrated when I suggest she call again or ask questions about the progress on things.  If you tell her something lovingly- it is too nice.  You tell her sternly, and she feels like you hate her.  You joke about it- and she gets offended.  There is never a good way to tell her.  And while I am here thinking that I did everything for my children to make her happy; she tells me that she has never felt happy completely.  I am a firm beleiver that money doesn't by everything; and my hsuband and I were disciplinarians while still providing our children with TONS of experiences not a lot of kids get.  They never went without, always had clothing, food, and a beautiful home.  I am at a loss.  Trying to tell your child- who by the way- thinks she knows EVERYTHING, is exhausting.  I don't want to see her fail; but I feel like that is what it will come down to if she doesn't take the advice of those around her.  It is not just me making suggestions and recommendations to her- everyone around her does.  I feel like SHE feels as though we are all against her- but in acutality, we all believe in her and know that she is so capable and her potential is so great.  But she doesn't see it and she doesn't see the connections of getting her life in order in the small ways to make those big impacts.  As much as I know grief is different for everyone, how; as a parent can I sit back and just watch her life pass her by.  Plus, her issues with depression go further back than the passing of her sister.  She has mentioned suicidal thoughts and has self-harmed previosuly, adn it scares me to think that my lack of steering her in the right direction could make things worse- OR my overbearing parenting could make her overwhelmed and I could lose another child.  I don't think that I can go through the loss of another child. 

I am lost as to what to do.  Struggling with the physical loss of one child, while struggling with the emotional and mental loss of another.  Any advice from parents or teens who may have been through this with their child/parent?