Bereavement Support Group
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Today was my first day back at work since Molly died. I had two completely different jobs to manage, two subjects to prep/learn/teach and I\'m also preparing to take over the position of a friend of mine who should deliver her second baby at the end of the week. I haven\'t been able to get anything done around the house because I can\'t bear to be in any of the rooms I used to literally live in with Molly. So the house looks like...... well it looks like crap! Here\'s the problem: it looks like Christopher has pretty much put everything on the \"it\'ll keep for Janine\" list. Because why should he do anything that\'s technically \"my responsibility\"? I came home from work today, pulled into the garage and sobbed because I knew I was walking into a house that Molly doesn\'t live in anymore. He found me crying in the car...........
then came into the house, sat down on the sofa and went to sleep. Then came up to use my laptop because his is broken. What am I going to do about dinner? What am I going to do about the 5 loads of laundry? What am I going to do about the garbage and the floors and the shopping and the dishes and all the other things that go along with living in this house he was so intent to own? So I\'m sad and I\'m grieving and now I\'m ALL SORTS OF PISSED OFF!!!!! I knew that the \"window for grieving\" a pet is small because my friends and family don\'t really understand what she meant to me but I expected more from my husband. I don\'t know whether to say something to him (and if so what?) or just suck it up and force myself into action so his life can get back to normal.......... and if I do that........ am I going to hate him for it later?
I read this now and it looks small and mean and petty. But so does the idea of pretending I\'m better. Molly...... well, Molly would understand.
then came into the house, sat down on the sofa and went to sleep. Then came up to use my laptop because his is broken. What am I going to do about dinner? What am I going to do about the 5 loads of laundry? What am I going to do about the garbage and the floors and the shopping and the dishes and all the other things that go along with living in this house he was so intent to own? So I\'m sad and I\'m grieving and now I\'m ALL SORTS OF PISSED OFF!!!!! I knew that the \"window for grieving\" a pet is small because my friends and family don\'t really understand what she meant to me but I expected more from my husband. I don\'t know whether to say something to him (and if so what?) or just suck it up and force myself into action so his life can get back to normal.......... and if I do that........ am I going to hate him for it later?
I read this now and it looks small and mean and petty. But so does the idea of pretending I\'m better. Molly...... well, Molly would understand.
I am woman... watch me roar...
I think you should say something to your husband--if you go underground with your feelings they will come back to haunt you later. This is an opportunity for your relationship with your husband to get closer or more alienated. What to say to him? How about something like this: Honey, I\'m having a hard time with Molly\'s death; she was so important to me. It\'s almost impossible for me to focus on household tasks right now. It would mean a lot to me if you can be patient and give me more time to get through this.
Is your husband usually understanding and supportive? He sounds like he\'s either clueless about your feelings or not as caring as one would wish for. Any chance HE would be willing to take on some of the laundry, etc.? If you feel comfortable asking, it might give him a concrete way to help you, which is often really helpful for the people watching you go through this but feeling helpless. But only you know if he would be supportive if you pointed out to him what you need.
Turns out I think we both surprised ourselves and each other. I didn\'t bitch........ and when I got home this afternoon (after a stoping by the store for t.p, kleenex, cereal, Benedryll, Tylenol) I sat down on the sofa for a few minutes and he came down and did the dishes! So I did the garbage, sorted through some mail, straightened up the bathroom and put some clothes away.............. and no animals were harmed during the making of this event.... Wow, both of us being responsible grownups at the same time.......... whooda thunk it???!!!!!
It would seem that having a melt-down online is much more condusive to \"wedded bliss\" than the alternative. If I\'d been in my right mind at the time (grief REALLY messes with how I respond to EVERYTHING) I might have been able to figure that out for myself.
Hugs and my gratitude to one and all. I can\'t tell you how much it means to me to be able to come for help and know that I won\'t be dismissed or belittled.
My husband is not emotional, he\'s more like \"get over it\", but he cooks dinner, he washes dishes, he does little stuff around the house to help without being asked to. In his own way, he is trying so much to help. Me, I\'m working full time and I have to do all the shopping, he\'s not allowed to be up on his foot that long.
Maybe your hubby just doesn\'t know in what ways he COULD be helpful to you and is looking for a hint (or a 2x4) to show him the way.
Make sure to thank him .... tell him, honey that was such a help to me that you did the dishes for me. Praise the actions you want him to repeat! Let him know you appreciate the little ways he goes out of his way for YOU.
He might just do more of it.
Mine has actually run the vacuum and done some laundry too! Never ceases to amaze me, but it surely is a measure of his silent strong way of trying to help me in concrete ways. And I surely love him for it.
hugs,
Becky