Bereavement Support Group
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Hi all -- my Mom passed away about 6 weeks ago. (Dad died in '04.)
I'm the oldest of 3 siblings and by default I ended up in the main, almost the sole caretaker then the patient advocate. I adored my Mom and we were very close. My brother was sort of present but with a lot of passive aggressive acting out, lying, escaping to distance himself. My sister estranged herself from the family several years ago and essentially without explanation. She broke my mother's heart by not ever being in touch or showing up.
Sure enough, one call from the lawyer and Sister has reappeared as the vulture that Brother and I expected her to be. However, It's stunning that Brother is so caught up in his own projected, distorted guilt -- and resentment for my having totally stepped up -- that the two of them have triangulated against me. Both of them have stolen from the family. They really do have a lot In common.
In a couple of days we have the meeting at the house where we were raised -- estate lawyer present, not that there's a whole lot to divide up.
Wow It feels obscene to be writing about this because it's going to be a feeding frenzy. But other than a few items willed to me, I have no desire for other possessions there, much less to bicker about them. They can wander thru the house laying claim to their spoils.
I've resolved to take the high road. From my brother's very occasional text messages to me -- the only communication there is -- it's obvious that they are both projecting a lot of volatility into this meeting. As far as I'm concerned it's a business meeting and it has to stay that way.
Saddest part is that I'm mourning my Mom on my own and I feel.I've lost any immediate family that I can trust or remain at all close to.
I'm not looking for advice per se, I know what I need to do, the pitfalls and probable baiting I need to carefully avoid.
Just wondering if anyone else has been there and how it's worked out. Any reconciliation or re- establishing of trust?
Thanks very much.
I'm the oldest of 3 siblings and by default I ended up in the main, almost the sole caretaker then the patient advocate. I adored my Mom and we were very close. My brother was sort of present but with a lot of passive aggressive acting out, lying, escaping to distance himself. My sister estranged herself from the family several years ago and essentially without explanation. She broke my mother's heart by not ever being in touch or showing up.
Sure enough, one call from the lawyer and Sister has reappeared as the vulture that Brother and I expected her to be. However, It's stunning that Brother is so caught up in his own projected, distorted guilt -- and resentment for my having totally stepped up -- that the two of them have triangulated against me. Both of them have stolen from the family. They really do have a lot In common.
In a couple of days we have the meeting at the house where we were raised -- estate lawyer present, not that there's a whole lot to divide up.
Wow It feels obscene to be writing about this because it's going to be a feeding frenzy. But other than a few items willed to me, I have no desire for other possessions there, much less to bicker about them. They can wander thru the house laying claim to their spoils.
I've resolved to take the high road. From my brother's very occasional text messages to me -- the only communication there is -- it's obvious that they are both projecting a lot of volatility into this meeting. As far as I'm concerned it's a business meeting and it has to stay that way.
Saddest part is that I'm mourning my Mom on my own and I feel.I've lost any immediate family that I can trust or remain at all close to.
I'm not looking for advice per se, I know what I need to do, the pitfalls and probable baiting I need to carefully avoid.
Just wondering if anyone else has been there and how it's worked out. Any reconciliation or re- establishing of trust?
Thanks very much.
I feel like an orphan. My older sister disowned me, mom, dad older brother all died and i thought sis and i would be there for each other. here I am alone. Well....i've created a surrograte family. i have my own family...hubby, 17 yr old and close friends and i love my teaching job of 22 years. i chose to live. i miss mom and i have ups and downs but I chose to honor her by being the better and bigger person and planting a tree in south carolna that will grow into a big tree and i can put a bench under it and think of the good things about mommy and my.
I will NEVER trust sis again.
Is it a lack of empathy? A busted enough-meter? I dunno.
I know of a woman who lost her mom that had some estate estrangement with her sisters. It drove a wedge in an already tense situation. As far as I know, that wedge is still there.
It's kinda hard not to take it hard. Death of a loved one usually is an when-all-the-chips-are-down kind of life situation. How people respond is really hard to forget. It feels like you're seeing them in their truest form. At least, that's how I think of it anyway.
I'm sorry that your family doesn't seem to value, well, family. I do know that you can't beg, force, argue, shame, reason, rationalize, or otherwise compel someone into caring when they're not inclined to do so.
You sound/seem like a lovely person. I've never had a sister and I'll bet I would have been lucky to have had you as one. Tell your siblings to bite it... with a complimentary dipping sauce of their choice, of course, should they find the flavor unsatisfactory.