Bereavement Support Group
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Hi,
I have been reading posts for days now and see that people are in similar circumstances as myself. I wish those people my heartfelt sympathies.
I am not from UK I was finding it hard to find a group from Aus. I am sorry for the long post now...... not sure where I am heading.
I am 36 and have become part of a club I did not want to become part of an Adult orphan! I lost my Mum 2 weeks ago today to cancer. I am so confused and lost and do not want to live anymore. I know it is early days.... and people say that time heals all wounds. I never get over the first one before the next one hits and this one hit hard. It was my Mum...my best firend. My husband says that I should keep living for the sake of our 6yr old. However I see no good in this world.
I am actually fed up with the sayings she is in a better place now. You only get dealt what you can handle and you will get over it!
Seriously all I can think about is how much I have been robbed in this life... how much has been taken away. Future plans with Mum and everything.
I lost my Dad 5 days after my 13th Birthday whilst on holidays with him. My parents were divorced so that was something that I had been trying to deal with from an early age. Then that hit.
I got on with life and then met a guy (now husband) who lived in another state so in 2004 I moved away from everything I knew. My family, work, friends etc to start a new life.
Then in 08 we my husband's brother was killed whilst riding his motorbike on his way home when a p plater hit him with car. His son had just turned one and his fiance 3mths pregnant with their 2nd child.
09 lost my husbands Dad, 2010 his other brother, 2011 sister in laws Mum, 2012 My Nan, 2014 my soul kitty and Granddad, 2016 Uncle and now my Mum....my best friend.
I know that poeple say there is stages of grief all very well. However I really do feel as if I failed Mum, I tried so hard to save her and the Doctors did not give two hoots. they were killing her and they did not care!
Mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer Oct 2016 she was told they caught it early and was operated on in Dec...full hysterectomy and appendix taken out. Jan 2017 her PET scan came back all clear and they ask her if she would like to do chemo now or wait. She asked why do I need to if I am all clear? they said just in case. She refused as she is a very natural person she saw it as toxic and why put something in for just in case. March 2017 she started to fill up with fluid. They said stage 4 malignant ascites. Although she was drained sereval times she seemed to be going good.
Then it went to her lung. They told her she had a month to live and operated in May. Why would you operate if someone only had a month????
She came out of hospita Early june and the plan was for me to go to her for a week and then she come back to my housr for 3 weeks and then I go back to hers in the school holidays for 2 weeks. Her 3 weeks here she ended up in hopsital for most of it and in ICU for about 4 days. They held no hope for her. I kept thinking I have all faith that she will beat this. She kept saying I want to live and I want to see my Grandchildren grow.... then when the Doctors would come in giving her more meds and creating more problems. She would cry I do not want to die. We told her she was not going anywhere yet.
When we returned to her home in July she was tired and slept for most of one week and then I had to call an Ambulance as she said she could not breath. 15th of July she went in to hospital and was put on a drip for dehydration and her tummy drained again. They then said can we transfer you to pallative care for a few days to get your strength up and then you can go home with your daughter. She reluctantly agreed. So on the 19th she was transferred to the place my Nan passed away in 2012. It got her down. As I said I wanted her out asap. From in hospital sending me sms and having conversations with us and walking (hard as it was she still did walk) to being in pallative care and could not get out of bed, not eating or drinking, constipated and them pumping her full of morphine, I told them to stop! My Mum had changed dramatically in a couple of days. They said it was how it was and there was nothing more they could do. I fought to get her to her house. SO on Sat July 29th she came home. She could not remember me or have a conversation properly. To Sunday 30th not even talking to Mon 31st at 12.30am taking her last breath.
I am so angry she walked into hospital with 3 medications for her asthma (inhalers) still talking and sending sms etc to being wheeled out on a bed with a bag full of medication 3 of those morphine and not coherant.
It all happended so fast and I have lost my Mum. I have no will to even get up in the morning, Purpose has been taken away and the world has been so cruel.
Mum and daughter bond gone forever.
Sam
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
You are very early in your grief, and it is so ok to feel what you are feeling. You will have bad days, I just wish it weren't so, but it is. And yes, people say the dumbest things to us. They think they're helping, or they don't know what to say. I don't think people ever know what to say in extreme circumstances (I'm going through chemo. Have no hair, no bottom eyelashes, half an eyebrow, and I'm walking hunched over after my hysterectomy, and people tell me I look good. A very dumb thing to say. This is looking good?)
But listen, if you feel your grief has become too much, maybe you need to talk to someone. It won't take away your grief, but it will hopefully make you feel not so alone, and possible help you deal with the guilt. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but I think you can find your smile again.
But my point here is that I learned that deaths have a cumulative effect on us; when dad died he was the last of my birth family, and that was a symbolic thing and its loss was like another death all of its own.
I am so very sorry for all your losses; yes the adult orphan club sucks big time.
2 weeks is a short time, let yourself go through the emotions. Sometimes all we can do is curl up and cry, hoping that they go away. As time passes we get stronger; not all at once, but we do get stronger.
Your husband is right, find the strength to push through this. Yes, you lost your mother; that is no reason for your 6 year old to lose his/her mother. Yes, it will be hard. And it is OK for her/him to know that it is hard for you. But it is also a chance for you all to know that love may not be for ever, but it can be very strong!
Gentle hugs, and yes, it does get easier. The key is to accept that we will have a new normal.
Diane - Yes I am not seeing anything positive at the moment. I actually get angry at my 6yr old daughter when she wakes me during the night IF I have fallen asleep as then I am awake thinking again and can not stop crying or go back to sleep. People say Mum will guide me through this. I doubt it. I have lost faith in everything!!! I do not understand why she cried saying she did not want to die or give up and she gave up? I also blame myself thinking I gave her too much natural stuff at one time and overwhelmed her body.
She was too young to go she had just turned 69 in June and it was a horrible birthday in hospital.
I am in charge of her will. I can not even bare the thought of selling anything especially the house. It was where I spent my whole 23yrs of life before I moved to another state.
Pepperman - That is the only thing that stops me.... thinking that I do not want my 6yr old daughter to feel this pain. Although she is feeling pain in the way that I am so vacant from her again. I had trouble with post natal depression and now all this. I feel as if I have no one. I find it hard to talk to my husband as he has lost two brothers! This is completely different and also different in a daughter and Mum relationship. My mind whirls around..... how long do I have to live without her? Why did she leave? Why our family again!? If she had chemo would she still be here?
I had to go see my Father In Law in nursing home other day and I really did not want to go. Horrible thoughts of I honestly thought he would be gone before Mum.
I am so lost without her.
Then at school pick up and drop off it has become even worse. Most kids are getting picked up by their Nans and my daughter had to pick a new reader yesterday. The title is Finding Grandma. I lost it and started crying. I think all the other Mums that would see me usually happy before are wondering why I have lost the plot. I just do not want to talk or see anyone.
Thank you for listening.
Sam
I have no true friends. Not one has contacted me in anyway to see how I am after the initial news. I feel very alone. My Mum gave me an embroidery machine... which I loved doing things and also with her when she would visit. Now I can not even go look at it. I want to punch something or just cry.
August is the month of my Mums funeral, my grandad passed in August and so did one brother in law. I hate sept. Grandad and brother in laws funeral. My Dad's birthday and Fathers Day and my Father in laws passing. Dec for Christmas was my Nan's birthday and she passed on 12.12.12.
Jan my soul kitty. April 5 days after my 13th was when my dad passed. May other brother in law... June is Mum's birthday which will never celebrate again and she had two horrible last ones. July is when she passed. SO most of the year is filled with heartache and bad memories. :(
As we get older I find the losses get more and more and it's sometimes hard to bear
Regarding the sayings that it does get easier with time it truly does..... We can't stay in that raw part of grief ongoing and our loved ones lived much more and longer then they died so eventually I have found I can celebrate their lives and how thankful I am for them .... I can smile when I think of them however it took some time to get to that point and still on special days it just hurts
There are some things that simply change our lives so we work our way through the best that we can
If possible for your own well being try not to put everything into one big melting pot.... Putting years of painful things together becomes a catastrophe .... .If you start to catastrophyze you'll really sink into a depression..... If you're able I would try and deal with what is in front of you now Lost and if you can't do that perhaps you would consider seeing your doctor ... . You might need some help with depression
A RL bereavement group may help as well........ I'm glad that you're here.... Another hug and a blessing....xo