Until I started coming to this forum I thought that having lost so many people in just over a year was uncommon. Now I see so many others dealing with multiple loss of friends and family. It helps to know that there are others who understand how lost and miserable I often feel. It has been a little over 5 months since my mother passed away and I am still having trouble dealing with it.

I do not remember much of the first three months after mom died. I had been living with and taking care of her since my father died in 2001. My world (especially over the last five years) revolved around my mother. I was defined by taking care of mom. During the last three years of her life mom was terrified of being alone so going out was severely curtailed. I did not realize just how isolated from the world we became. After she died I found myself lost and without purpose. I still feel that way often. I don't know how to define me now.

These last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. My mom and dad's stone is finished and has been placed on their graves. My son and I are going home next weekend so that I can see the stone and my brothers. It caught me off guard how it brought back the initial pain of her dying when I was called about the stone. My mind has been filled with feelings of loss, guilt and grief. I question and berate myself with questions of; did I do enough? Was I gentle enough? Should I have handled stuff differently? How could I possibley be angry with a woman who was dying?. I realize I did the best I could with her care but it just doesn't seem like enough.

I am so greatful for God. I don't think I could have made it this far without His love. I pray often for strength and help. I know now that I am not alone with how I feel. I appreciate others on here who have been brave enough to be open about their feelings of loss. I will be praying for everyone of you for hope, strength and courage to go on. Thank you for listening to me and for the prayers and encouragement you have given me.