rocking you gently and crying with you, embare. . .

listening. . .

for what it's worth
i applaud the funeral director's wisdom in not telling the details of your soulmate's sternum. it has been 28 months since my youngest son's fatal car wreck (age 35) and my grief is still trying to obsess over such gory details. our funeral director wouldn't share such details with us, either and i appreciate his wisdom more with every go-round. obsessing over such details remains easier than finding peace with that awful hole in my life.

Welcome to DS embarely..... I am so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you're in

There is also a Widows and Widowers board on here for people who have lost their life partner that might be a good support for you

Huge hug and a blessing.... xo

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Wido...

Thank you, arfie and SunCloudJD. My username is a little silly. It's a pun for ember. I always thought of us as twin flames, soulmates, created for one another, etc. I saw the widows and widowers board and thought of joining. I live in the Southern part of the US, and having a safe place for a woman to declare her love for another woman is just not something with which I am well acquainted. We had hidden our relationship for 12 years. The road on which I have trodden has been a difficult one. And instead of a road, it feels like I got lost and strayed into a cursed and haunted wood. Anyway, thank you so much again for replying so quickly and offering your support. I look forward to getting to know you.

Welcome to DS, but I am so sorry to hear the loss of your love, your life partner, and sorry you have to hide this relationship. What about doing a google search for grief support for LBGTQ people? I bet there are some online ones and it could help you a lot. You've suffered a trauma also in her collapse and you trying to revive her to no avail. So it's both grief and processing the trauma of it. Our minds do go to those little details and we focus on them I believe to keep our minds off of the bigger issue of our deep grief and emotional shock.

I believe in life after death and believe her soul is still with you. You don't have to believe like me, but you might try talking out loud to her (in the privacy of your home of course). She may be giving you signs of her continued love if you pay attention.

I found this online support group and article that might help you. I know my church is supportive, inclusive and loving to all people including LBGTQ and has a grief share support group (we have a good sized LBGTQ membership). If you are interested in a religious based program, google churches near your city/town that are LBGTQ oriented. There are some. If you are not interested in that, this support group seems to be non-religious. I do an online support group for another issue and they can be very helpful. Know you are welcome and supported here with us.

https://www.hopehealthco.org/blog/lgbtq-grief-support-one-womans-journey-through-love-loss-and-renewed-hope/

thank you for the explanation "embarely." it gave me a welcome grin. am i wicked for thinking it puts a little more arf in my own abbreviation of "embare?" set the truth free, my friend. embare it. love deserves to be seen.

i'll buy the allegory of grief as a cursed and haunted wood. proof irrelevant, but i believe the quickest way out is straight on through. the surest way out is itsy bitsy baby steps with frequent self-care breaks in the journey.

steadying support while you find your healing path, ember.

for what it's worth
my own username is a bit silly, as well. during my construction years, my standard response to being called a bitch was, "arfie arf and the bitch bites when appropriate."

Thinking about the details does you no good. It doesn’t change the fact that she is gone now. Anything that happened during the course of CPR was incidental, it would not change the outcome, you did absolutely nothing to cause her harm. . You tried to save her, let that be enough. At some point those thoughts will fade away. I’m very sorry you had to go thru such a traumatic event, but I can tell you with certainty that your being there when she collapsed was the best chance she had for survival. You gave her more than you realize.

So sorry for you loss. I think your username is beautiful. I think this site can be great for support but also seems like would be great to find something in person. You mention no friends or family within 500 miles so you must feel very alone. The more communities you can get around you the better.

ARFIE - thanks for the uplifting admonition and your wit. Also for buying my description of grief. The best description I have heard though, came from a Dolly Parton Christmas musical - "grief is love with nowhere to go." IMHO, that just about says it all. And I have to tell you that I experienced one of those welcome grins as well when you told of the origin of your username. So thank you for that.

URBANGARDENER - thank you for reminding me of this perspective. I too believe in an afterlife, and I have only been focused on the fact that she is physically gone. I'm fairly certain there are not any church based LGBTQ support groups for any type of anything, unless it's a conversion camp. That's the only type of "help" for LGBTQ relationships this particular buckle hole of the Bible Belt.

After all that, it might seem strange for you to learn that I believe in and love God. God is the One Who I love and trust and respect. "Religion" on the other hand, is a very different animal. And I don't judge people who worship differently than I do. That is their own business and none of mine. I have far too much going on in my own life than to be trying to judge how a person worships or what name that person uses when they call on God. Whew! Apparently, I needed to get that off my chest! And thank you for the link you sent as well.

MTD - You're exactly right using the word "obsessing". I have been doing that every day since the day she passed. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she is not going to come in the door laughing at me for stressing over where she's been, because I was/am always a worry wart. I'm in so much pain. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have RA and Fibromyalgia and a couple of other things. And if any of you know about chronic pain, you know that stress and anxiety and depression make it worse.

ANONA123 - Thank you for your kind words. And for saying my username is beautiful. The email associated with this account is ember2ash1016. And yes I feel very much alone. I'm really hoping that being a part of a community, even if it is an online community (baby steps) will start to help with that.

Thank you all. I really appreciate you being so welcoming. I'm an aspiring writer, so I would love you all to give me literary criticism on my journal entries when I get started on those or even with a post like this. Thank you again.

Grief is so hard to process with anyone special to us. I'm so sorry for your loss and knowing that you were trying to revive her and keep her living for as long as possible is very inspiring and touching. Thats painful memories. However, knowing that you were at her side and with her until the end, I'm sure, brought her comfort.
I heard a comment about grief the other day and I thought it to be so true. Grief isn't something that you get "over" it's something that you get "THROUGH". There will be up days and down days, but try to find something to be thankful for daily so that each day you can focus on moving forward. I started up a Gratitude Journal that has helped me process grief quite well as well as remember my loved one in the midst of the memories and thankfulness for what they taught me. Write in it as often as you'd like and some days simply writing a journal entry, or love letter to your partner is appropriate. Sometimes you may find that you just need a place to "park" your words, feelings and emotions. Thinking of you... these are tough days.

i don't know of any LGBTQ specialized grief support groups in the big cities, either, but grief is grief, psychosis is psychosis and every case is unique. surprising things might happen if you show up as a human in need with your LGBTQ issues as an unimportant detail. love is love. loss is loss, regardless of which cultural sub-group you belong to.

Just wanted to say I feel for you, So sorry for your loss.
I am 34 months into the loss of my 27 year old son and I definitely have inconsolable grief.
Please be kind to yourself . Take a lot of deep breaths. Come often to vent.
Hugs❤️

Grief is not grief to these people. Love is not love. And psychosis is not even something all of them "believe" in. I wish it were the case, but it's not. I already know that the stove is hot, so I am not going to touch it again. LGBTQ should be the least important thing about it all.