Bereavement Support Group

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duane 07/22/2007

A few months ago I posted a topic about my sister-in-law meeting a new love three months after my brother's death in June 2007. It has been a year since his death and now she is getting married this weekend which will make it a year and a month later. Do I call her up to congradulate her? I was debating this for most of the week. I am not upset that she has found someone to love...just that she can move on. Two months ago she was very active in getting rid of items of my brother and she was upset with my mother who asked for those items. She does not want us over to her house (that she had shared with my brother). Everytime she complains that she does not want to lug bags to my parents, i volunteered to get them, then she says do not bother I will bring them over. all I really want is some of his stuff, but I do not know what she got rid of. Is it wrong for us to want his stuff? I do not mean items that they shared, but rather clothing, hats...you the stuff that people remove from their closets). My mother needs to see it, so she can move on...each time i see her pick up an item of clothing of his and talk about the time he wore it and the memories that it brings back, I can see that she is moving on. But my sister-in-law (or is she that anymore?) wants to pack it up and send it to good will (which my mother does with his stuff as she goes through it).because these are items he wore after he moved from my parents house into his. She keeps explaining that it is like trying to regress him into a child if she gives the stuff to my mother...
So here is where I need advice:
1. Do I call and congradulate?
2. After she is married, do we just loose contact...

deleted_user 07/22/2007

call to say cong. an tell her that you need to just set a date to come by tell her that you understand that she needs to move on an you wont to help,she doesn't need to know that you also have your own resons, then don't call anymore. because i understand moms point of view she wonts to do what moms do an that is take care of our children an she wonts to handle his things the right way, an if she has moved on o.k. but at least let mom have her pease

deleted_user 07/22/2007

Blimey. devil and the deep blue sea! She has to realise that people grieve differently and whilst i can see why she wants to move on in her own way she should and maybe would understand that you and your mum feel different. The fact that you are tormented by this decision shows your compassion for her, if you think that she will show compassion to you - have the discussion re your brothers clothes. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago and my dad wanted mums clothes removed before the funeral, my house is now full of her stuff as i couldn't give it away! As for your questions, you have to live with the answers not me, but I would have to keep the door open for her so therefore i would congratulate her.

deleted_user 07/22/2007

If your heart says to congratulate her, then do it. There's nothing wrong with her finding a new love and getting married. Yes, your sister in-law is moving quite fast; however, people do grieve in their own way and she's the one who will be living with her choices. Maybe she just needs time to let go of your brother's clothes. I don't think you have to lose contact with her; she's still your sister in-law. Your brother passed away- he didn't get divorced. I came acrossed a great idea in our grief class about what to do with the clothing of our loved ones who have passed- make a quilt! :-) Maybe when you call to congratulate your sister in-law, you can suggest the idea to her and re-request your brother's clothing in order to do so. Hope this helps. :-)
Sincerely,
eagleandfrog

deleted_user 06/27/2008

Hey there, i know exactly how youa re feeling right now. My sister died a few years ago though and my brother-in-law rang me about a month ago telling me he had something to tell me and he did'nt know how i would handle it. I told him that i already knew he was re marrying....it was a feeling i had. He is one of these people that really does not cope well on his own, so I knew the day would come where he would have to find someone else. He asked me to come to the wedding and that it would mean a lot to him for me to be there. Unfortunately, it rained solidly that week and some of the roads were cut between my place, which is 5 hours away and his place. My niece was not happy with him getting married again, but she, along with the other children attended the wedding. She phoned me and told me that it was more like a funeral than a wedding as everyone was so negative about it. I congratulated my brother-in-law and wished him the best in the future. I think everyone needs to have someone to share their lives. BIG HUGS to you

deleted_user 06/27/2008

Duane, sounds like maybe your sister-in-law may feel guilty that she has found this happiness and doesn't want to deal with reminders of your brother.

You could call and congratulate her, if you truly are happy for her and it sounds like you are. You might not want to bring up the topic of your brothers belongings in the same phone call. Have you ever thought of writing her a brief letter asking that she give you all the clothing/personal items that I'm sure she won't want in the house (I'm assuming she and the new hubby will live in the same house she shared with your brother).

People can always misconstrue your intentions in a phone call--but it seems to me that they respect the fact that someone took the time to sit down and write them a letter. I bet it might work. It could be the final gesture of her leaving the old life behind and starting anew. Maybe you could work something like that into your letter.

As far as after the wedding, it will be up to her how much contact she will want. My hunch is she will want to close the door on everything from her old life. If I were you, I'd send her cards for her birthday, etc., and call her only now and then to see how things are going.

It's too bad that she doesn't want your family over to her house. There are so many people in the world who are alone. It's hard to imagine cutting off people who care and want to be a part of her life.

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