Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
Hello. I am new to this group and I'm not really sure what to post here. I guess I'll just lay it all out there.
I lost my father the day after my 21st birthday; He passed away at 3:45pm on July 6th. My father had been my rock, through all the horrible things I said and did while living with him for 5 years, he never gave up on me unlike everyone else. Today marks 4 months since his passing and I am still barely accepting he's gone.
I sat with him in the ICU in Topkeka, Kansas from the end of June until July 3rd, only sleeping somewhere besides the hospital by his side once. I remember the time there vividly and it seems to be tearing me apart more each day since his passing. The day I got to the hospital, June 27, 2018, my father had been put on a ventilator which came with full sedation. As soon as I saw him my whole world came crashing down. The next day, June 28th, he had made amazing progress and was only on 20% on the vent; They were even talking about taking him off it the following morning, Friday June 29th, meaning he could wake up too. I was estatic, I was going to be able to sit and talk with my dad again and he would be able to hug me and tell me he loves me. My cousin and I had to leave for shift change at 6pm so we had gone to the nearby mall and walked around for the 2 hours we couldn't be at the hospital with him. It had helped me to walk around and laugh with my cousin, but we had no idea what was happening at the hospital. At 8pm we got back to the ICU to find out my father had taken a nose dive and was now 80% on the vent again, which meant taking him off anytime soon was out of the question. What made things extremely real for me was Friday morning when they woke my father up temoprarily from sedation to check neutrological function. As soon as he woke up, he immeadiately started to fight the tube down his throat, that is until he heard me tell him to stop, that he was okay but he needed the tube to breathe right now. He looked me dead in the eyes and gave up fighting as quick as he had started, never looking away from me. June 29th until July 3rd consitsted of the same routine; Sleep at the hospital with dad, leave for shift change in morning to get food and coffee, go back and sit with dad all day, sometimes talking to him, leave for night shift change and repeat.
The night before I left to come back to Colorado, my aunt had brought me the birthday present my father had gotten me. A beautiful heart necklace and ring; Which I have not taken off since receiving them. I clutched the necklace my whole drive home and broke down in my mother's arms as soon as I got home. I had known in my heart that was the last time I would ever see my father, I knew he wasn't going to be able to fight any longer. July 6, 2018, I was at work when our main line got a call. My coworker told me it was for me, and my blood ran cold. I had been having the nagging feeling for the 3 hours I was at work that kept saying I was going to get the call while at work that my dad was finally gone. Well, that nagging feeling was right, the call was my stepfather telling me my dad had passed. All I remember is hanging up with him, turning to my coworker, saying "my dad's gone", and hitting the floor. I don't remember my drive home, I remember getting home, hugging my mom while breaking down all over again and screaming.
Ever since then, I have been in such a daze that keeps trying to even keep the idea he isn't really gone.
I am so lost, nothing has gone right since my dad left, I have no clue how to function without him.
So yea, that's me..
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
another old friend crashed a motorcycle and seriously damaged his brain . hes alive but can barely talk .
we just have to go on and live life one day at a time and try to appreciate the good moments . the only ( very wry ) consolation i can offer is ; if we were any of the other animals on this planet , one misstep would result in us being literally eaten alive .
lostgirl , you are young and have many chapters ahead of you . there will be joy and there will be more loss . im 60 years old and life has knocked me flat on my ass many times . ive no reason to expect any less in the future .
I have lost my birth family: my sister in August 2011, my mom in August 2014 and my dad in August 2015. (And I was born in August, and my parents were married in August. I hate August now)
I wish I could say some cool "dad thing" for you, but there are no magic words in real life. Just emotions and the ways that we deal with them.
There is no "one size fits all" solution to grief. We need to confront it head on and use the tools we can. We can learn from other, but it is very important to know that something that works WONDERS for another person may be a waste of time for you. But likewise, something that failed for another may be just the thing for you.
For me, a real life grievance class really helped. Give them a chance. The one I took was a bit too much pop psychology for me, but the core parts of the class really helped. So when we did breathing exercises I let my mind wander.
Take what works, and discard the rest!
Allow yourself to get through it. A couple of people in the class seemed bound and determined that they were gonna be miserable the rest of their life. Oddly, neither of them had a memorial service because their loved one did not want one. Then they went to a "generic memorial service",and BAM! Tears flowed like crazy, they totally lost it, but that was what they needed! They freed themselves from the restrictions they felt their loved one wanted.
I think of things as the emotions of grief rather than the stages of grief. That way when I have a "relapse" I understand it as a new (and perhaps more powerful) trigger that I must deal with rather than a failure to deal with a stage.
Another thing: allow others to fill the role that your dad did in your life. Nobody can replace him, but other family members and friends can help out. I'm older than you (65), so I have tried to emulate the good things I saw in my dad to others in my life.
Well, sorry to go on and on, ...
Gentle hugs
I am so very sorry that you've lost your dad..... I have lost my birth family as well and it's painful
It sounds like you're struggling as well with survivors guilt?... A lot of people do... He wouldn't want that for you sweetie.... You are young and we can often say things that we don't mean when angry
I'm sure that your dad knew you loved him
I agree that a RL bereavement group might really help you.... You could also write your dad a letter and read it to him now
Gentle hug and a blessing.....xo
I do agree with the others that grief counseling might be a good option to consider. You meet with others that are also grieving and it is a good opportunity to share what you are feeling (or not feeling) and get the support of others who somewhat understand what you are going through.
Over time you will be able to remember your dad without it hurting so much. The memories will always be there and you will be able to draw on them for support and comfort. Right now, however, it hurts and that is OK also.
A parent's love is amazing and continues on after death. That is what makes them able to continue loving us even through the rough times and the good. Often it can be an example of God's love for us, unconditional and never ending.
I will be praying that you will find comfort in his memory and the strength to live your life and he would have wanted you to.
God bless.