Bereavement Support Group

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.

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kshort49 05/05/2009

I didn't ever think I'd be in need of this site, but here I am. My 68 year old sister passed away last night. She lived in Michigan, and I live on Long Island. She was found to have lung cancer in the fall. They were hoping that they could get the cancer under control, but then she got really sick this past week, and then passed last night.

Although we weren't able to see one another for many years, just because of life problems, all of us (I have another sister, and 2 brothers) were very close.

I feel guilty because, after spending all of last night talking to my siblings and my sister's kids (she has 3 grown daughters) and crying, I woke up this morning feeling glad that it is all over. I don't deal with death well, and never have.

Here's one of my problems. Her children are planning a service for her. I am totally afraid of flying, and that is how I would have to get there. And my sister knew how afraid I am. But even a bigger problem is that I do not want to go to a service-I just want to deal with my loss with myself and my other siblings. Although we all live all over the US, we are so close. I don't feel that a service would be good for me-I just want to picture her in my mind and speak to her on my own. My siblings feel the same. During the past 10 years we also buried my Mom and Dad. I dont think I need to go to a service in order to find closure. I said what I wanted to say to my sister over the phone just before she passed on, and I know that she heard me-especially when I told her it was ok to go on. So I feel ok about that. I just don't want my sister's kids to feel that, if we don't come to the service, that we don't care about her passing-we just need to do it our way. I guess this doesn't make much sense. Do I need to go to the service? Would it be a bad thing if I don't? My sister would understand why I wasn't there-we talked often about my fear of flying, and my strong feelings about funerals, etc. I am so mixed up-I know I should follow my heart, but I feel like I am "chickening out" because I just don't want to go-I want to just grieve in my own space and my own way.

I know I have been rambling, and hopefully you can understand what I am trying to say. I guess I'm looking for someone to say that it's ok for me to deal with this my own way. I am so mixed up. Thanks, and God bless. Kathy

deleted_user 05/05/2009

You are not rambling. Everyone grieves differently. I sure your sister's children know that you are afraid of flying. You are not chickening out.

OLDBIKER 05/05/2009

i would tell your sister's children just what you told us here on DS. I am sure they would understand. We all grieve in different ways and I like you, like to remember people the way I saw them last or talked to them last.

Being a Pastor, I can't always do that but, if I had a preference, that's the way it would be.

God Bless

deleted_user 05/06/2009

Hi
First I want to say sorry for the loss of your sister and people do grieve I also would explain to your sisters children, I do not think you should feel guilty. Its hard enough to deal with your grief

love and hugs
cinnie

koolman 05/06/2009

If you wish to clear some guilt out of your conscience...push through that fear of flying, embrace it (the flight is probably only an hour). I think your sister will be smiling on you from heaven above, and will probably even be guiding the flight to make sure you get there fine...she'll be delighted that you bested your fear and made the effort for her. And you'll feel better too. Some of the guilt you feel will evaporate.

Zenon 05/11/2009

Personally I would go but that's me. You have to deal with it in your won way but of course be mindful of the feelings of relatives. How you balance that is a matter for you and thm of course, but if they were fine with you not attending then - as I said you deal with it in your own way.

deleted_user 05/11/2009

I think your sister would be so proud of you if you could set aside your fear of flying. My sister told me she has phone phobia so she will never answer the phone. I can not contact her on the phone. I have many written letters to her over the years. She told me she thought they were bills and threw them away. OK, we do not speak to each other anymore. Why don't I just send email...I guess I don't care enough anymore.
I say to you go to the funeral. If you don't fly take a bus or train.

daisydduck 05/11/2009

It's true that it is your decision and you have your reasons for not going. However, sometimes, in grief, we make a decision we later regret so think it through again before deciding. I do think that not attending is insulting to her children. The service is not for you, it is for your sister and those gathering to remember her. My mom died six years at 91. She did not look at all like the person she had been when she died. She had stated she didn't care whether she was cremated or went through the traditional wake/funeral. I decided on cremation and planned a memorial service three weeks after her death where we celebrated her life. Yes, there were tears but afterwards we all felt joy that we had remembered what a vibrant person she had been. We laughed at old stories and shared precious moments with her. What a shame for you to miss this! By the way, I w/be 68 next month and I have driven from Chicago to New York in one day on several occasions because I am not a huge fan of flying. There are also trains that take less than 24 hours. Also, my sister died a week after she turned 34 of Hodgkins Disease and left 4 children. Ever since I turned 34, I thank God on my birthday for every year I have lived that she did not have the opportunity to. I'm sorry for your loss and totally understand but don't let fear of flying (or dying?) keep you from the gathering to honor your sister.

deleted_user 05/11/2009

I am so sorry for your loss. In 2003, I lost my only brother. I can understand you about everything you have said. In the end, do what YOU feel comfortable with. If you're afraid of "hurt feeling" from others, maybe write a letter or talk to them and explain your feelings. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Be well.

deleted_user 05/14/2009

Im sorry for your loss, and extend my condolences to you and your family. I too, lost my brother last year. This month at the end will be 1 year, and i find you just have to let yourself grieve naturally and not rush the process. Listen to your heart and intuition, if you feel youre not ready to go to the funeral, you can have your own private one. She will understand. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

deleted_user 05/15/2009

Grief is a very emotion feeling. No particular oerder, but just as they come let t hem happen. I am sorry for you loss.
Gos bless.
Debbie

deleted_user 05/15/2009

i lost my sister many years ago, to suicide. i think what can be so different about the death of a sibling is that THEY are the ones we go through the longest part of our life with, usually. we all expect to lose our folks, beloved aunts, etc. but a sibling is different.

i really get the ambivalence abt the service. my mother died in 9/07. the service was not real helpful. i knew in my bones that wasn't where she was. (it was on Long Island, I live in texas). i wanted to be with my spouse ( we couldn't afford 2 tickets), my familiar surroundings, my pets. my father had a massive stroke a few months ago. i know i will not go up there for his service. i've already talked to my siblings about it. they all have their families, their homes, there - i don't. as i did/do with my mother, the ways in which i will honor my father will be here, in the city that has become my home. here is where i will plant a tree in the backyard, perhaps buy a plaque to put on it, with something healing on it. here is where i can lie in bed and be held. my own spiritual beliefs are different from my remaining family. my father will be with me, in whatever way he can, as i honor him. follow your heart.

missy12358104 05/15/2009

do not be afraid of your family not understanding they will understand. everyone deals with grief differently and you are entitled to deal with your grief the way you see fit.

deleted_user 05/15/2009

I just had drafted a long reply to you advising you differently - until I noticed Koolman's reply. The one thing he and I similarly replied - was about your feelings afterward. Koolman may just be RIGHT ! Who knows if you will gather your courage for your sister. You're not mixed up - you're in mourning for a gift lost. Something I never had - a sister. I'm so sorry for your loss - and send my heartfelt condolences. Go with your heart !

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