I am so sorry for your pain and your loss of your dear husband.
I was so blessed...I held my dad in my arms while he passed in 2002 (mothers day) and then in 2004 I held my mother in my arms telling her it was ok as she passed. I guess afterwards I found this almost spiritual.
I told myself the reason I had to see my loved ones suffer was because I could not stand to lose them especially mom. The sicker she got the weaker she got as well and the pain was so intense for her. I did not want her gone at all but yet I did not want to see her is such pain. She looked so peaceful and all the pain had left her face.
I had such a hard time for the first year, then slowly the heart ripping pain started to get less, and less. l don't think you ever forget or really get over it..it just gets easier.
The momories at first were so vivid of what I had lost and ached to have back, but later those were changed with wonderful happy memories of all the time we shared, how I cherished them all.
Right now the pain and your loss is so fresh, so don't be hard on yourself. Another problem I had..I took care of mom although she lived alone I was an only child and was with her constantly. Between my own family and being with her, taking her to the hospital, doctors and for many tests. (I do not regret a single moment) But what hit me broadside was the guilt. The guilt I felt of being relieved...al that intense pressure was gone and the worry about how the end would be all of it and suddenly it was all gone.
So don't beat yourself up if you feel this way at some point.
Counseling mught be a ggod idea, to talk with an outsider about all your feelings.
Good luck and God bless

I was with my husband for 25 years when he was diagnosed with cancer I had lost my mom 03/12/03 then my husband on 03/01/04 this will be the hardest times for you to endure, I talked to alot of people but until you go thru it only this forum will help you. We did not have children and did not lot too many people into our lives, my late husband had it all good looking, funny, a heart of gold the most important thing he loved me, listen to me please, take one day, one minute, one second at a time, I did not think I was going to get thru losing my husband this widow club I did not want to join, but little by little I was able to exist in this world, nobody, nobody can feel your pain we can just guide you and make sure you are eating do not give up on life, with a few good friends and beloved dog, I am here to tell you you having nothing to be ashamed about you were with your husband till the end, he knows that its just that the angels needed him more then you and one day you we be together, but until then I will be here for you and all the wonderful people on this web page will be here for you too, my husband passed away at 57 from cancer and left me a young widow, I talked about him to anyone who would listen to me, now 7 years later I miss him terrible but the fact that you are here on this platform means you want help and we will be here to help you, you will never forget but you can get on with your life I am not here to tell you the pain will get better but in time you will be able to maybe just maybe laugh again it will take alot of time if I could do it then you could do it, god bless you and keep your husband safe in heaven, he would want you to go on, love and peace to you in this very difficult time I go by the name efraim but my real name is Meryl.

I so much understand your pain! I lost my husband to renal cancer as well in March 2010. He was diagnosed only seven months earlier. I was so fortunate to have been his wife for 27 years. We loved each other so much, and I am completely lost without him. I know how you feel - the first year, you are in a fog and in shock from the loss. The second year, it really sets in; and I am trying to learn to live without him. One thing that has helped me so much is joining a bereavement group for widows and widowers. Although we are different ages and were married for different lengths of time, we all have the same thing in common - learning to cope with the loss and trying to find our way with a new life that we do not want. It has been 16 months, and, although I still cry, I do not cry all the time. I am trying to find my way and feel that I am just "existing" now, but we all know that others get through this; and we will, too. It does help to be around others who understand so try and find some kind of support group. Know you are you in the thoughts and prayers of so many who have read your posting and have experienced the same kind of pain.
Roxanne

Thank you so much. It gives me hope to think there may be a little bit of light at the end of this tunnel! Thank you all again!