Big hug for you Emma..... I am so very sorry that you lost your friend and that she died so terribly and so young

You really do have to have boundaries with someone who's actively using a substance such a alcohol for your own well being.... Addiction is a terrible illness for all involved and friends and family can suffer terribly

You could go to Alanon ..... That's the part of AA that is for loved ones of a person addicted to alcohol in order to talk to people who know the illness so well and get some support.... It's a free group.... This could be a good place to go to help with the guilt.... You couldn't save her sweetie.... Don't take this on.... She made her own choices as an adult...... You couldn't stop her from doing what she chose to do and staying around to watch it was no good for either of you.... We have a Friends and Families of Addicts on here but I'm not sure if it's active.... I'll put up a link for you

You could write your friend a letter and read it to her.... Tell her what you need to say and then burn the letter as a symbolic goodbye to her

If you have a religion talking to a leader in that faith could help or a bereavement group
As far as getting over a death of someone we cared for I don't think we do.... We get through it and over time it gets easier

You did nothing wrong.... She was ill however you can't force someone into treatment if they don't want to go

Big hug for you and a blessing.....xo

This is the Families of Addicts board

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/families-friends-of-addicts

I walk my dog a lot, and tend to notice who is who in the near by community. There was a young adult who had serious mental and physical limitations; he would notice us, but speech did not come easy to him. We always waved and said high to him.

We found out, after months of not seeing him, that he had passed away. We thought about it, and then got a card and the 3 of us who walk all signed it and put it in the mail box. The mom came running out one day weeks later and asked if we were the ones who sent the card. We said that we were, she thanked us so much she almost cried.

I think that your friend's parents would appreciate the a card or note of some kind. Just express your sadness at the loss and offer your thoughts to her parents. Knowing that somebody cared for their daughter may be hard for them, but I bet it will make them feel good.

Gentle hugs

That is lovely Pep..... Really, really nice

Thank you Pep went with your suggestion. Mailing out tomorrow.

Thank you for all the replies. Maybe alnon will help as well

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you I think the hardest thing is it doesn't feel real with no obit and there was never any public services. Plus she was cremated it's not like I have a headstone to visit.

EmmaRose, I am so sorry you lost your friend. I agree with Suncloud, write her a letter, tell her all your feelings. When my brother passed away unexpectedly, I went and bought a bunch of balloons and I took them to the cemetery and wrote all over them, things I wanted to say to him and then I let them go. I watched until they disappeared out of sight, when I left I felt a sense of peace. Sending hugs and prayers to you.

Lost my husband the beginning of this year and I couldn't control what HE did- not eat right (he was diabetic). To feel responsible yet not have control is anxiety. You have to absolve yourself. It seems her family should have been the first ones to intervene in her life...Why was she hurting herself anyway? ---The 1st question. Should have forcibly been put in rehab.

The OP has not disclosed what the family tried to do. It is possible that the lady was committed against her will, it is possible that they had many interventions, it is possible that they tried everything they could to steer her to help, it is possible that the lady had started turning her life around but that there was too much damage to her system from years of abuse and she died.

Or it is possible that the family did nothing.

We don't know.


Emma: how did it feel writing that letter? It must have been hard, but I am glad that you did it!

We can't force our will on others even if 'we think' it's in 'their' best interest..... I think the OP is hurting now though and we can offer her support
Addiction is an illness that has huge effects on all who love the addicted person and I am so sorry that you've lost your friend.....xo

Pep it felt great. I was able to talk to her sister. I couldn't control what my friend did. She was committed before but no one could help her ...,she had to want the help. This family went above and beyond for my friend. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I don't expect to her from her family but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. Thank you all for your support.

Sometimes we never know just how much a gesture on our part means to others. I suspect that this is one of those times where you made a huge impact but may never know.