Events like this are hard, there is no getting around that.

Is there a chance you are over-thinking this? The phone system works 2 ways, and I'm willing to bet that you did not change your number ever couple of months. She could have called you, made an effort to get in touch with you.

But she didn't.

Look at emotional bonds, and the lack of them.

Your aunt was your mom's sister, so she must have held some value in that. You are her niece, obviously the 2 way phone thing applies to her as well.

I assume your parents were divorced, that kind of sets your dad's emotional attachment with your mother at a pretty low level. He most likely has moved on emotionally.

I am so very sorry that your mom's life ended so soon, and without you being able to reconcile with her.

I had an old work friend who fell out with his family. He doubled his energy on his family, his wife and children. I don't know if he had the same regrets you have, he never confided in me. But he was very happy with his wife and children.

So tell your children about their grandmother, but limit it to what they can understand. As they grow older, fill in more of the gaps.


My dad's father committed suicide when my dad was very young. My family never told me much more than that. I can guess about some of the unspoken issues dad referenced, but he is gone and with him all the answers. But I'm OK not knowing that bit. Dad loved me and my sister as did his mother. 60 plus years later I'm still OK with what I do and do not know. I wish I knew more, but I value the time I had with dad far above and beyond any family history he might or might not have told me.

And your kids can do just as fine. Who knows, perhaps 60 years from now they may be telling people that their information about their maternal grandmother is rather sketchy, but they have an entire rest of their family that loved them and that is gold as far as they are concerned!

Gentle hugs

Honey, you don't have to reach out to her by being in a church. All you have to do is talk to her and she will hear you. I just lost my Tom 3 weeks ago and I talk to him all the time. It's gotten so bad that I'm actually talking in my sleep! Listen to your heart. The Holy Spirit will guide you. Hugs

Going to church that day would be for me, as a way to cope with the day itself. We usually attend the Saturday evening Spanish service.

Yeah, my parents divorced more than 10 years ago, but they had problems for as long as I can remember. So no love loss with my dad, that's for sure. Despite his feelings towards her, he's very understanding with me.

I wish I could say the same for my aunt. You would think that being her niece, she'd at least have the courtesy to reach out to inform me she's gone. Since December, I have been going over and over this in my mind, and I've always given her the benefit of the doubt.

My aunt has lost a lot of people in the last six years, but not even to send a quick letter in the mail now that she has my current address?

When my children ask--and I know they will one day--I plan to tell them the truth. Grandma and Mommy didn't have a very good relationship, and we lost touch when Mommy came to live in Florida.

My husband wanted to send flowers to her grave, but since we're sure where or to whom, makes it a bit difficult.

Hi-this month is a toughie for me too Mom would have been 96 on april 3rd-my b.day comes 12 days mine comes9 dayslater ,the 12th.We both are aries maybe because we shared this month and i was her last born ,we were so close.I plant flowers to honor her,we both loved the springtime,We were blessed to have had her all those years-your mom was young which makes this painful journey of grieving so tough...hang in there-bake her a cake,do something that she would have liked

I finally worked up the nerve to call the cemetery. I thought I'd check into my husband's idea of sending flowers to her grave. However, she wasn't buried. I knew from the death certificate that she was cremated, but I thought that her ashed were "buried" or in the mausoleum.

Well, when I called the cemetery, they informed me that her remains were scattered in their scatter gardens. They said I could still send flowers, but I'm not really sure how that would work since 1) she wasn't really "buried," and 2) every florist only offers arrangements, not a bouquet.

A colleague suggested that I blow up an old family photo and place flowers by that at home. She said that the arrangement would probably just end up in the office of the cemetery. I don't even know if there's a plaque with her name or anything.

I had a very odd moment when I read about you blowing up an old family photo. I wondered what sort of explosives one uses in that situation!

Sorry, just an old man with a senior moment!

If you are open to ideas way outside the box, ...

you could call a local nursing home and tell them that your mother was estranged when she passed, but that you want flowers to be displayed and you would like to send them to their business as a way to honor all mothers.

same idea, but a local hospital.

I am Presbyterian (mostly), so I do not know how Catholic services work, but could you send flowers to your church in honor of your mother?

Perhaps there is a local public/private garden where you could donate a plant in your mother's name, or perhaps you could partially sponsor a plant at such a place.

If there are burned out forrests or other such places nearby you could donate plants to be used in the land recovery efforts there.


Continuing hugs

Congrats on making the call. I know how difficult it is to do things like that especially now when everything seems so much harder.

Pepper has some great ideas.

You could also take out an "in memoriam" ad in your local paper (usually runs on the same page as the obituaries) and you could put in a pic and dates of birth and death and as much or as little about your mother as you want. The price varies by the column-inch, and is usually cheaper in small town papers and more expensive in big cities.

I hope this helps you to achieve the experience of honoring your mom in the way you wish.