I know what you feel I've gone through similar feelings too. Men love to control and they do things to make you feel good and be there for you and, for some reason, once you start feeling good boommmmmm they attack. well all i can say is remember the good things he did for you and how he was there for you. Emotional takes a toll on a person, mind, body, heart and soul. it's time for you to start healing in that way and don't allow another man to EVER treat you like this again. ss for your loss tho. laura

You need to find a very, very good psychotherapist. Somehow, this man caught you in a trap of abuse. Abusive persons CAN be very charismatic and charming. This is called sociopathology, it is an illness.

With time and hard work, you'll understand why you allowed the abuse SO YOU CAN AVOID REPEATING THIS in a future relationship. Grieving is a normal human emotion; when we care about anyone, we grieve them, even if that person was abusive.

This is gonna be an answer I personally would hate to hear if I was in your situation..I was abused by more than one man I loved..so I FEEL YOU...You love them even though they are ripping you apart inside. The good times are really good and the bad times are really bad and you usually can't remember the nuetral times at all. You feel guilty if your mad cuzz their gone..you wanna be mad when ya miss them cuzz it wouldn't hurt so much..I know your torment dear. My husband did all that to me then took his own life. I tried everything to deal with those duel emotions. Therapy, Phycho stuff..Pill's, Groups..but None of it was working. I found my answer in a church.. I'm not a very religous person..but..When you can't forgive them and let go of the bad..Its not on them..they don't suffer for it..Only you do..You got a road to travel to make yourself whole again..Its a long one and it's hard..with more than a few bumps..Getting your self worth back and knocking down all those wall you built is gonna take a while, have faith in yourself you will get their. but the key is to forgive them..give it all away..unload that burden. When you forgive him for the bad..the burden lifts..but thats step two..step one..GET MAD..be angry that you were hurt and let him know he hurt you and it's his fault not yours..get that off your chest ..You have to have that closure..then forgive him..this aint gonna happen today, or weeks from now.. mabey not months..but it will...Your in a transition stage were your trying to make sense of all these emotions..talk it out..write it in your journal ..take your time..and when you feel strong enough..then deal ....Love and best wishes...Angels mommy

Such a huge weight came down on me with his death. But such a huge relief at the same moment. I love the person he was and I hate the person he was. And knowing that he allowed this to happen. Almost makesit feel like it was one more shot at taking me down...

Your honesty was refreshing. I doubt if anyone could say that their beloved person was wonderful, and without blemish. Usually we take on warts and all, and do the best we can with what we have, You did, and therefore you can at least now know that you have very little to feel guilty about. It does not diminish your loss or the pain in any way - Use memories of the good times to help you heal, and forgive those things that need to be forgiven, knowing that similar allowances are made for you, by those who love and cherish you. We are here for you. xxxxxxxxx

I went today to research the word PSYCHOPATH. I read a discription of the behavioral patterns of a psychopath. And oh my it was as if they were describing my husband. His lack of guilt, his obssesive lying, his control, his anger, his self absobed, self idolized image. It was like reading a book about him.I don't know if this was his problem. I do know there were things he did that made me feel like he had a mental issue. Things that scared the hell out of me. Other people would have knonw how and bizarre they were. But he thought they were normal and exceptable. And never seemed to consider fro one second the permanent damage he was doing to my head and my heart and very being.
I could write a book about the last 5 years. And I think there would be people who said..yeah right..no body that kind of shit..But they do. Behind closed doors and out of sight. And you have to figure out how to survive them.

My mom died recently, its a little different i know but she was schizophrenic. So in alot of ways I'm dealing with the same things, and reading this thread helped me quite a bit. I loved my mom unconditionally, and i hated her for the hell she put me and my little sister through. years of childhood neglect and abuse that I don't have the time or emotional energy to explain here right now. I remember distinctly after getting the phone call that she had passed, feeling a huge sense of relief. My whole childhood i dreaded sacrificing my adulthood to her mental illness. And the tragedy was she was only going to get sicker. I don't know what or how you felt. But I have never in my life felt so guilty for feeling anything than when i felt relief that my mom had died. And i believe that it has been the worst part of grieving. I hope that someone posts on this website the answer that we're looking for. Some line of comfort or wisdom that will make it all right.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I would not wish this internal conflict onto anyone. I really wish i had the answers.

Dealing with loved ones who have mental illness is another life lesson.....Love to all who have to learn it xxxxxxxxxxx

When we grieve, we grieve two things. We grieve the loss of our loved one and we grieve for the relationship we will never have with them. My father and I had a rocky relationship. In his last 7 years he had a stroke and several heart attacks. Only then were we able to begin to forgive, or forget or to choose to push aside old pains. When he died I was just as sad because I lost that daddy I thought I was going to someday have. I am sure you always thought one day I will find the magic wand that will make him change. You thought you would have a wonderful life. That was your dream. Now you are grieving him and that dream. I'm sorry because I know it hurts.